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WD-50 Alums Plan Pop-Up Meals at Darnell’s in Washington, DC

WD-50 Alums Plan Pop-Up Meals at Darnell’s in Washington, DC


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Basil and Wolffe will host a series of pop-up dinners at Darnell's, as a prelude to a restaurant in the D.C. area, details to be announced. (Pictured: WD-50)

Basil, formerly the sous chef at WD-50, and Wolff, a line chef for the restaurant until he left in 2010, have teamed up once again in Washington, D.C. to host a series of pop-up dinners for Feb. 18 and 19 at Darnell's Bar. Tickets are $125 and the menu includes razor clams, stone crab, and black tea ice cream.

Basil, who was raised in the D.C. area, worked previously as a menu consultant for Torrisi in New York and McCrady's in Charleston, before returning to D.C.

After his time at WD-50, Wolffe moved to London to work at Viajante, and was eventually appointed sous chef. Wolffe moved back to the States in September 2013 to pursue the pop-up project, Zero Degrees Zero Minutes.

The six-course meal will include wine pairings and other treats. Eater reports that the project is a prelude to an eventual restaurant, to be opened somewhere in the D.C. area. See the the sample menu.

At the time of reporting, tickets for the Feb. 19 dinner are already sold out!


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Chicago’s Restaurant and Bar Closures for 2020

The state banned indoor service across Illinois at the end of October with health experts saying America is now caught in a second wave of COVID-19. Cases and hospitalizations have spiked and lawmakers have shutdown on-premise dining as hopes of one way of controlling the virus.

As Chicago’s restaurants and bars struggle for survival, the latest state ban has caused more layoffs. Many restaurants are now hibernating, electing to take a break until 2021, while temporarily closing their venues. For these operators, riding out the winter is an easier decision as they contend with ongoing rent and utility payments, and are grappling with the realities of capacity restrictions in spaces with cramped dining rooms and kitchens. Meanwhile, workers face difficult decisions regarding their careers, potential exposure to COVID-19 from colleagues and patrons, and the precarious nature of this moment in the hospitality industry across the country.

Below, Eater is cataloging both temporary and permanent restaurant closures in Chicago. If you know of a restaurant, bar, or other food establishment that has closed since the start of the pandemic, please email [email protected] We will continue to update this post.

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January 4

Andersonville: Arcade bar and restaurant Replay Beer & Bourbon is temporarily closed due to the pandemic, according to a Facebook post. “We thank everyone for their support during 2020 and look forward to welcoming you back when circumstances change!” the post reads. The venue was among several to participate in open-streets dining this summer on Balmoral Avenue.

South Loop: Tutto Italiano Restaurant, a 27-year-old spot known among fans for its antique train car dining room, permanently closed at the end of December, according to a Facebook post. “We have gone through many ups and downs for over a quarter of a century in the heart of Chicago’s business district including the dot com bubble, 9/11, and the 2008 housing and financial crisis,” the post reads. “But this situation has brought us beyond the point of not being able to meet our obligations.”

West Loop: Bar and liquor store 1340 Beer Wine Spirits permanently closed on December 31 after more than 5 years, according to Block Club Chicago. Previously known as Madison Wine Shop, the business served draft beer, cocktails, and wine, and hosted private events in its tasting room. Ownership is leaving Chicago for “new adventures,” they wrote in a newsletter to customers.

Wrigleyville: The Dark Horse Tap & Grille permanently closed in late December after 17 years in business. Current owner Niko Kostakis Konstantoudakis announced the shutter last month in a Facebook post, which details his appreciation for the federal government’s pandemic response and Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) but “admonish[es]” city and state officials for “draconian rule while operating with a different set of rules for themselves and their cronies.” Konstantoudakis also asserts that Wrigleyville is the “worst place in the country” for bar and restaurant operators. The venue first opened in 2003.

Lombard: Ownership at suburban restaurant Pinched Mediterranean Grill have closed the business to “reevaluate and reconstruct our business model,” according to a Facebook post. Sister spot Pinched on the River remains open for pickup and delivery in Streeterville.

December 22

Bucktown: Cocktail and burger spot Cortland’s Garage has temporarily closed until Chicago allows indoor dining to resume, ownership writes in a Facebook post. “With the current mitigations put in place by our governor, we have decided to shut down until restrictions are lifted, the post reads. “Although this isn’t an easy decision for us, we look forward to seeing you all again when we are able to reopen back up for indoor dining.”

Pilsen: Fran’s Beef, a family-owned neighborhood spot for hot dogs, Italian beef, and more, will close at the end of December after 25 years, according to Block Club Chicago. “While we would have loved to stay in this community for another 25 years, our lease has ended and we can no longer continue the business,” a sign on the door reads in English and Spanish.

River North: Bernie’s, a restaurant with a rooftop space that opened in 2015, temporarily closed in October due to the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a Facebook post. “This is not a decision we have made lightly, but feel it is best for our staff, guests, and greater community,” it reads. “We look forward to seeing you again in the new year!”

Wrigleyville: Starbucks Reserve is permanently closed on Clark Street after three years and the coffee giant has wiped the address from its website. The coffeeshop was in the same building as the Chicago Cubs officers that were built along with the Hotel Zachary, transforming the neighborhood. Bigger and more elaborate than a typical Starbucks location, the shop featured specialty drinks and an upscale aesthetic. The Reserve introduced Chicagoans to a more polished version of the brand.

Munster, Indiana: Iconic beer destination Three Floyds Brewpub is permanently closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, according to the Times of Northwest Indiana. The announcement confirms fears from anguished fans back in May when founder Nick Floyd kept the brewpub closed indefinitely to prevent his staff and customers from contracting the novel coronavirus. Three Floyds has a staunch Chicago fanbase with beers like Alpha King and Zombie Dust. The brewery was in the middle of a campus expansion and unveiled a distillery and cocktail bar last year.

December 15

Dunning: Northwest side watering hole Family Bar is permanently closed after 22 years, ownership writes in a Facebook post. “It’s bittersweet that FAMILYBAR is now officially closed do to the COVID PANDEMIC,” the post reads. “With all COVID restrictions we’ve exhausted all are revenues and we’re unable to survive which is unfortunate.” It was a destination for cheap beer, pool, and steel-tipped darts, and even housed a small dart shop with replacement parts.

Gold Coast: Southern Cut Barbecue from the owners of Chicago Cut Steakhouse is permanently closed after three years, according to a Facebook post. It doesn’t detail the reasons behind the closure but promises a new menu at the steakhouse in the spring. Southern Cut debuted in 2017 as a collaboration with pitmaster Lee Ann Whippen (Chicago Q) in a space that previously housed the Local inside the Hilton Chicago Mag Mile hotel.

Lincoln Park: Marge’s Still, one of Chicago’s oldest running taverns, is temporarily closed until the pandemic is over, ownership writes in a social media post. “COVID has hit the restaurant industry particularly hard, with that being said we have decided to close our doors TEMPORARILY,” the post reads. “We will miss you but we have hopes of coming back even stronger after this is all over.”

Originally founded in 1885 under the name Victor Caruso’s Soft Drinks, the tavern operated as a combination barbershop and saloon during Prohibition. Its current namesake, Marge Landeck, took over the bar in 1957 and became the first woman in Chicago to obtain a liquor license, according to its website. Landeck died in 2001 and her children now operate the business.

Logan Square: Good Fortune, the highly anticipated supper-clubby restaurant and bar from Charles Welch and Andrew Miller of Out to Lunch Hospitality is permanently closed, according to the New York Times. The pair presented a menu that blended new American and Mediterranean flavors with the help of a wood-burning oven. Good Fortune had been closed for months after the pandemic shutdown in March, but management never returned requests for comment or made social media posts regarding its status. Welsh has since gone back to working at Eleven Eleven (formerly Honey’s, where he was once chef) in Fulton Market.

Pilsen: Ownership at modern Mexican restaurant La Luna has pressed pause on operations for the time being, according to a Facebook post. “We have made a difficult decision to close our doors for the time being, until indoor dining or until any plan is in place & announced by the city for a way to operate through these times,” the post reads, adding that the restaurant will “hopefully” reopen at a later date. The restaurant first debuted in 2018. In the meantime, the spot is hosting a @chi.pie.guy pop-up featuring a rotating menu of different flavors and styles. More details are available online.

Wicker Park/Pilsen: A “for lease” sign hangs in the window inside the original Furious Spoon ramen shop at 1571 N. Milwaukee Avenue. The restaurant is listed as “temporarily closed” online but the sign is likely means it’s the end of the line for chef Shin Thompson’s first ramen restaurant. It opened in 2015. Another location in Pilsen, 1316 W. 18th Street, is listed as permanently closed. Locations in Logan Square and Lakeview remain open and listed on the restaurant’s website. During the pandemic, Thompson has started a Japanese curry virtual restaurant called Bokuchan.

Hodgkins: South Suburban brewery Blue Nose will permanently close after the new year, or “whenever the beer runs out,” according to the Tribune. The brewery was originally founded in 2012 in the village of Justice, just over 14 miles northeast of Chicago, and relocated to Hodgkins in 2015. Offerings ranged from familiar hits like pilsners and golden ales to a gummy bear-infused raspberry sour ale. Co-founder and operator Jordan Isenberg plans to hang onto brewing equipment and establish a new brewing business as soon as he can.

Evanston: Alums at Northwestern University will mourn the closure of the Burger King at 1740 Orrington Avenue. As a fast-food spot it wasn’t fancy, but this location was open 24 hours a day, and gave sleepy Evanston one of its only late-night restaurants. Patch has the sad details.

December 8

Edgewater: American bistro Broadway Cellars is temporarily closed until Chicago officials allow indoor dining at 25 percent capacity or more, or the federal government releases more stimulus funds, Block Club Chicago reports. Neighbors raised nearly $26,000 to help support the business, helping owners Tom and Geri Foley from going into personal debut and allowing them to pay for a month’s rent and a week of work for their 16 staffers.

Edgewater: Neighborhood pub Burke’s Public House has temporarily closed with plans to reopen in the spring, according to Block Club. Outdoor seating helped keep the business viable through the summer and early fall, but ownership told reporters that takeout alone isn’t enough to get through the winter.

Fulton Market: Glitzy old Hollywood-style restaurant BLVD Steakhouse has paused operations until 2021, according to a Facebook post. Previously dubbed BLVD, the venue offered delivery, carryout, and grill kits during the first pandemic shutdown in the spring. Owners then relaunched with a new menu in August under the a steakhouse banner and leaned into indoor service until the state halted dining room operations on October 30. Ownership company Sancerre Hospitality Group is also behind Rose Mary, the forthcoming Croatian-Italian restaurant from former Spiaggia chef and Top Chef season 15 winner Joe Flamm.

Gold Coast: Family-owned Mexican mini-chain Blue Agave Tequila Bar & Restaurant is permanently closed after nearly 30 years on State Street, ownership writes in a Facebook post. Locations in River North and Lakeview remain, as does an outpost in Kissimmee, Florida. Ownership continues to operate another Mexican restaurant, Fernando’s, in Lakeview. The location is steps away from Morton’s Steakhouse which closed last month.

Lincoln Park: Devil Dawgs will permanently close its original location at 2147 N. Sheffield Avenue on Sunday after a decade in the area near DePaul University, according to a rep. The team aims to go out celebrating on Wednesday and Thursday, offering $1 Chicago hot dogs at all four outposts (Lincoln Park, South Loop, Wicker Park, Lakeview) to mark the brand’s 10-year anniversary. Operators hope to find a new location in the same area and aim to reopen by summer 2021. Devil Dawgs was inspired by the iconic DePaul-area hot dog stand, Demon Dogs.

Logan Square: Saba Italian Bar and Kitchen is on hiatus until 2021, ownership writes in a Facebook post. The modern Italian food and cocktail spot first opened in 2018 on Milwaukee Avenue.

North Center: One of Chicago’s most popular soccer bars, the Globe Pub, is going on a winter break until early 2021, according to series of Tweets on Sunday. The spot is beloved for its menu of British fare, long beer list, and large TVs. “This was not an easy or light decision but one that we have decided is best for us as a small business,” ownership writes. “Stay safe and healthy, and we will share a pint or a gangway photo with you soon.” The Globe first opened in 2004.

Uptown: Upscale pub the Reservoir has temporarily closed as a result of pandemic regulations, according to a Facebook post. “Due to the current Illinois restrictions on bars and restaurants, we have made the hard decision to temporarily close our doors for the next few weeks,” the post reads. Ownership promises that the business will be back “bigger and better than ever” in 2021. It first opened in 2012.

Uptown: Uptown Arcade has left its storefront home after four years at 4830 N. Broadway, but ownership hopes to reopen in a news space after the pandemic ends, according to Block Club. The arcade bar first opened in 2016 with about 35 arcade games, craft beer, and whiskey.

December 1

Edgewater: Chinese restaurant Wing Hoe is slated to close on December 12 after nearly 50 years, according to Block Club Chicago. The restaurant’s lease is up at the 107-year-old mansion on the corner of Sheridan Road and Balmoral Avenue, and developers have previously introduced plans to raze the building. Ownership has reportedly decided to retire rather than try and relocate the business, which first opened in 1971.

Lincoln Park: Peruvian street food spot Chopo Chicken is closed after three years, ownership wrote in a November Facebook post, which details the financial and legal challenges the restaurant has faced over the past several months. In the post, owners write that after after falling short on rent in August due to a lack of funds, the restaurant’s landlord filed a lawsuit and a judge later ruled against Chopo Chicken.

“It is hard to believe in a time like this that a small restaurant like ours would not only be denied the support and assistance we needed to survive, but also be met with such gross injustice on such a massive scale from the systems we trusted to defend and protect us,” the post reads. Owners write that they are searching for a new rental location.

Pilsen: Thalia Hall’s gastropub Dusek’s from 16” on Center (Longman & Eagle, Empty Bottle, Pizza Friendly Pizza, Revival Food Hall) has temporarily closed, according to a Facebook post. The announcement doesn’t specify a reopening date or timeframe but promises plans for its return are already underway. The spot first opened in 2013.

Wicker Park: Popular modern Mexican restaurant Las Palmas is closed for reconcepting after nearly 20 years in business, owner Maria Rivera announced in a Facebook post. The restaurant first debuted in 2001 and became a festive neighborhood destination for upscale fare and creative drinks. Taquizo, the new restaurant, will feature a street food-focused menu from veteran chef and restaurateur Yanitzin Sanchez (Mas, Sabor Saveur, Mercado Cocina), who will also oversee the culinary team. It’ll operate as both a quick-service taqueria and a dining room with a seated dinner menu. During the pandemic, it’ll feature delivery, takeout, and meal kits. Stay tuned for more news as the project progresses.

Western Springs/Hinsdale: Celebrated chef Paul Virant (Gaijin) has temporarily closed his suburban flagship restaurant Vie and casual sister spot Vistro, according to a Facebook post. “In addition to helping to keep our guests and team safe, this temporary closure is necessary to be sure we can welcome you back when things get better,” the post reads. “We will look forward to those brighter days with much hope and anticipation.” Virant has also put his West Loop restaurant restaurant, Gaijin, in hibernation mode.

November 24

Gold Coast: Morton’s The Steakhouse, a 42-year-old dining institution on State Street, has permanently closed its original location due to COVID-19 and the resulting bans on indoor dining in Chicago, Crain’s reports. The restaurant first opened in 1978 at 1050 N. State Street and became popular as a special-occasion spot for luxurious dinners with steak, seafood, and cocktails. Additional locations at 65 E. Wacker Place and in suburban Rosemont remains open for carryout and delivery.

Humboldt Park: All-day French restaurant and wine bar Cafe Marie-Jeanne, a neighborhood retreat adored among Chicago critics and hospitality industry, permanently closed on Monday after five years. The business couldn’t continue without financial support from the government, chef and owner Mike Simmons tells Eater Chicago. The cafe’s friendly, creative vibe fostered a following of loyal fans — including a substantial number of acclaimed Chicago chefs — who sipped wine and dined on foie gras, Chicago-style lobster rolls, calf brains, one of the city’s best burgers, and more. Simmons, his wife Valerie Szafranski, and partner/wine director Jamie McLennan (Rootstock) opened Cafe Marie-Jeanne in 2015, across the street from the now-shuttered California Clipper.

Logan Square: Glitzy gambling-themed restaurant and bar the Whale is closed indefinitely, according to a Facebook post. Ownership places blame squarely on restrictions placed on the hospitality industry during the pandemic, writing, “the restrictions that have been put on us by the elected officials are suffocating our industry and leaving us no choice. There has been no plan in place or system for relief.” The post does a vow to reopen at some point. The Whale, a sister spot to glossy Old Town sports bar the Vig, originally debuted in July 2019.

West Loop: Gaijin, Chicago’s first restaurant dedicated to okonomiyaki, temporarily closed this month with a plan to reopen after the new year, according to a Facebook post. “It is absolutely our intention to reopen in early 2021, assuming things have improved and we can once again resume regular indoor service,” writes owner and veteran Chicago chef Paul Virant. “We will look forward to those days with much hope and anticipation.” Virant debuted the restaurant, which features regional Japanese savory pancakes topped with cabbage, meats, and sauces, in November 2019.

Paul Virant’s West Loop restaurant is closed until early 2021. Nick Fochtman/Eater Chicago

November 17

Andersonville: Eclectic global street food restaurant Gadabout is closed for the time being due to safety concerns related to the pandemic, according to a Facebook post. “The health of our staff, family and friends is at the forefront of our minds as we approach the holiday season,” the post reads. “Our doors have been closed temporarily, but our hearts are always open to you.” It doesn’t reveal a reopening timeframe, but urges fans to keep an eye on social media for updates.

Andersonville: Esteemed Andersonville beer bar and restaurant Hopleaf is temporarily closed, owner Michael Roper announced in a Facebook post: “. it is not prudent or wise for us to remain open,” he writes, citing a back-of-house employee had tested positive, Lightfoot’s advisory, and the virus’ resurgence. “Until further notice, Hopleaf is closed. WE ARE NOT GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!! We will reopen when it is deemed safe to resume indoor service.” Roper wrote about the challenges Hopleaf faces during the pandemic for Eater Chicago in May. He told Block Club Chicago that the business can survive through April or May, but says after that he’ll need to either pull funds from his retirement savings or shut down the establishment permanently.

Lincoln Park: Arcade bar and prolific pop-up spot Replay Lincoln Park is temporarily closed, according to owner Mark Kwiatkowski. “We are going to wait until hospitalizations and positivity rates trend in a better direction and we get some more guidance from state and local leaders,” he writes in an email. Earlier in pandemic, Kwiatkowski and his pop-up squad shifted events outdoors for safe revelry, including a Bob’s Burgers-themed “Grand Re-Re-Opening” and a drive-thru haunted house for Halloween.

Logan Square: Longman & Eagle, one of Logan Square’s most popular fixtures, has temporarily closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “Our team has made the very difficult decision to close for the time being, probably until early 2021,” management writes on Instagram. “We didn’t make this call lightly, but want to make sure that once the pandemic is over, we can welcome everyone back to the same old Longman you know and love.” The restaurant is still accepting Thanksgiving to-go orders and will fulfill those already placed. The inn’s six rooms will also remain open for business, as will the online retail store and whiskey bottle shop. There’s also a GoFundMe relief fundraiser for workers displaced by the closure with a $50,000 goal. Supporters have so fair raised more than $12,600.

Logan Square: Chic neighborhood cocktail bar Scofflaw announced via social media that its team has ceased operations for the time being. Bar management kept an Instagram annoucement brief and didn’t detail reopening plans: “Tomorrow we’ll be closed for the foreseeable future, but hope to see you tonight for a last hoorah,” the post reads. “Thanks to everyone that came out to support us the last few weeks and the last 8+ years. Hope to see you on the other side, cheers!” Block Club first reported news of Scofflaw’s closure.

River North: Imperial Lamian, a top Chinese spot in Downtown Chicago known for hand-pulled noodles and some of the city’s best xiao long bao, has permanently closed after more than four years. Management shared a farewell post on Facebook, citing “challenges we faced as a result of the pandemic this year.” The restaurant came from an Indonesian chain, opened in February 2016, and also catered to vegetarians and vegans. Casual sister restaurant Phat Phat in suburban Schaumburg will remain open. The Tribune first reported the story.

Roscoe Village: Mediterranean spot Le Sud in Roscoe Village is closed completely for the time being, according to a Facebook post. “Your health and well-being are our priority, and we feel a strong social responsibility to keep our guests, staff, and the loved ones in our community safe and healthy,” owner Sandy Chen writes, noting the surge in COVID-19 cases in Chicago. “This is the time for us to remember our humanity. Together with our community, we will always strive to create less harm and better in the world.” Chen does not detail a reopening timeframe. Sister restaurant Koi Fine Asian Cuisine in suburban Evanston remains open for carryout and delivery.

Funkenhausen has paused operations for now. Barry Brecheisen/Eater Chicago

West Ridge: Iconic South Asian grocer Patel Brothers has temporarily closed its Devon location, according workers and neighboring business owners. The store closed on Saturday, November 14, which was Diwali. The plan is to reopened on March 15 after remodeling. Patel Brothers, which opened a massive new flagship last year in suburban Niles, opened its first location on Devon Avenue in 1974 and has survived on the strip in several locations. The chain is now nationwide.

West Town: Southern-style German restaurant Funkenhausen is closed until early 2021, according to a Facebook post. Ownership promises that fresh ideas for dinners and events are “percolating,” and that fans can rest assured that the popular spot will be back: “YES, we WILL reopen, THAT much is Funken’ clear. ” the post reads. “We wish you health, happiness, and a fresh new beginning from the great dumpster fire of 2020.”

West Town: Lauded contemporary Korean restaurant Jeong is temporarily closed as its location doesn’t allow for outdoor dining, ownership wrote on Facebook in late October. The post does not mention a reopening date or timeframe. Chef Dave Park and partner Jennifer Tran are still offering a carryout meal of Thanksgiving sides along with their annual holiday beef and kimchi pies.

Wicker Park: Beer and sausage spot Bangers and Lace has gone into “temporary hibernation” this month, according to a Facebook post. Though the post doesn’t specify a reopening date or timeframe, its tone is optimistic: “We will miss you all, but rest assured we will see you again soon!” it reads.

November 10

Avondale: Ludlow Liquors, the cocktail bar with a spacious patio from Wade McElroy and Jeff Donahue (Sportsman’s Club, Estereo) in the former Orbit Room, is temporarily closed. An Instagram post states: “. We will unfortunately be pressing pause on the business until we can figure out how to navigate the new restrictions here in Chicago.”

Bucktown: Dance party haven Danny’s Tavern, a neighborhood fixture since 1986, is permanently closed, according to Block Club Chicago. A beloved spot for funk nights where patrons could expect to work up a sweat dancing to Prince, the bar held on for decades. They were several reports that the bar was close to closing, but the creaky space endured.

Lakeview: Neighborhood spot Emerald City Coffee has permanently closed its cafe under the Sheridan Red Line stop due to the economic impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, ownership writes in an Instagram post. “The uncertainty of the pandemic and other financial stressors were too much to bear and we’re so, so bummed to see ECC Sheridan go, but it’s the tough choice we had to make,” the post reads. Workers have set up a GoFundMe with a $5,000 goal for baristas who lost their jobs from the closure, and so far have raised more than $2,200. Emerald City’s Uptown location on Wilson Avenue remains open.

Lincoln Park: Centre Street Kitchen, the positivity-promoting restaurant from Erik Baylis of Big Onion Tavern Group (Fatpour Tap Works, Hopsmith Tavern), is temporarily closed, according to a Facebook post that places blame for the closure squarely on Chicago’s indoor dining ban: “The reality is we may not survive another closure for even just a few weeks, let alone months,” the post reads. “Most restaurants will not have the means to come back from this.” Still, it also indicates that ownership hopes to reopen as soon as possible.

South Loop: Friendly neighborhood bar Wabash Tap is permanently closed after nearly two decades with “for lease” signs in the window at 1233 S. Wabash Avenue. The spot was a convenient place for folks heading to or from Soldier Field, and first opened in 2002, according to the Chicago Bar Project.

The Loop/West Loop: Once-ubiquitous Italian mini-chain Caffe Baci has permanently closed its last remaining location on LaSalle Street due to the pandemic, according to a rep. “The company’s 28-year run has unfortunately come to an end, due in large part to the economic difficulties and instability resulting from COVID-19,” owner Joseph DiCarlo wrote in an emotional Facebook post. “I am heartbroken, knowing that I can no longer venture in to one of my locations to spontaneously get behind the line, and work on creating some new sandwich or pizza as I once did.” The company’s catering division, Baci Amore, is temporarily closed on Jefferson Street until at least spring 2021.

West Ridge: Devon Avenue staple Mysore Woodlands, known for dosas and other South Indian vegetarian delights, is permanently closed, according to a Facebook post. “We are closing Mysore due to COVID distress and landlord disagreements,” ownership writes. The closure was long rumored after problems with the landlord.

November 3

Avondale: Neighborhood bar Edelweiss Tavern is temporarily closed due to Illinois’ ban on indoor bar and restaurant service, according to a Facebook post. “These are tough times for all and we recognize this closure might be the new reality for a while,” the post reads. “Once reopening is possible, we will continue to do our best to ensure everyone is safe while on our premisses by regularly sanitizing and cleaning all bar areas.”

Fulton Market: Modern Mediterranean restaurant Cira, an all-day spot from Boka Group and chef Chris Pandel inside the Hoxton Chicago hotel, is temporarily closed because of Chicago’s ban on indoor bar and restaurant service, according to an announcement on social media. “Chicago is resilient, and we know there are brighter days ahead,” the statement reads. “Let’s get through this together by supporting each other, supporting local business, and wearing your mask.”

Lakeview: Schubas, the Lakeview music club, has temporarily closed as the music business has been ravaged by COVID-19. The venue serves food inside the bar and also is home of ambitious New American restaurant .Tied House Tied House, located next door, was built in 2018 to replace Harmony Grill. A Facebook post states the venues’ last day was Sunday, November 1. The Tribune was first to report the closure.

Lakeview: Devour 312, a restaurant and bar near Clybourn and Webster — across the street from the Regal Webster Place movie theater — has closed. A “for lease” sign hangs in the window.

Lincoln Square: Taco in a Bag, where competitive eaters churned out creative nachos that were great as a guilty snack or as a food which provided life after too many double whiskies and Cokes without ice, has closed. An Instagram announced the shutter, which was October 30.

North Center: Cobblestone, a newish European bistro and cider house from ex-Bohemian House owner Dr. Markus Chwajol, has temporarily closed for the winter, according to a Facebook post. “Have a safe and healthy winter!” the post reads. “See you April 1st!”

Portage Park: Family-owned spot Foundation Tavern closed indefinitely at the end of October, ownership writes on social media. The post attributes the shutdown to the impact of COVID-19. “Although we are sad to close our doors, we are eager to open again when it is safe to do so,” the post reads.

Bucktown: Ipsento Coffee has closed its Bucktown location along Western Avenue. There’s no word on its other locations.

Tied House is taking a break. Marc Much/Eater Chicago

The Loop: Ritzy downtown steakhouse Ocean Prime is temporarily closed inside the Shops at LondonHouse for an indefinite amount time, according to a social media post. Management urges fans to keep an eye on social channels for updates, writing, “We thank you for your support during this time - we will get through this together.”

West Loop: Bellemore, the luxurious Boka Group restaurant on Randolph Restaurant Row helmed by chef Jimmy Papadopoulos, has temporarily closed due to Chicago’s restrictions on indoor dining, according to a Facebook post.

Wicker Park/West Loop: Kinton Ramen has posted signs outside its Milwaukee Avenue restaurant declaring a temporary closure. The Canadian-based ramen chain’s West Loop location is also temporary closed.

Wicker Park/River North: Hollywood Grill — a greasy spoon at the corner of Ashland and North avenues — and Griddle 24, another 24-hour diner — are both temporarily closed. Owner George Liakopoulos says he will reopen when the state allows indoor dining. At Hollywood, he late-night diner’s windows have large signs thanking Gov. J.B. Pritzker for the closure. Pritzker banned indoor dining in Chicago in late October. Liakopoulos says he wishes Pritzker put more pressure on the federal government and Sen. Dick Durbin to get more aid for workers. His other restaurants, like White Palace Grill in South Loop, remain open as they have decent to-go business.

Wrigleyville: In side the Hotel Zachary and across from Wrigley Field, Smoke Daddy is temporarily closed its barbecue. The Wicker Park location remains open. Also in the hotel, Boka’s Swift & Son Tavern is temporarily closed. Both Hotel Zachary properties have signs in its windows.

October 27

Andersonville: Neighborhood candy shop Candyality has permanently closed its Andersonville location, according to Block Club Chicago. Owner Terese McDonald told reporters that business had dropped by half during the pandemic, and she could not come to an agreement with her landlord over rent reduction: large signs hung in the Clark Street store’s windows read “lost our lease.” The brand’s flagship location on Southport Avenue in Lakeview remains open.

River North: Swanky seafood-focused Mag Mile restaurant Beacon Tavern is permanently closed after four years due to the coronavirus pandemic, according to a rep. It was from Billy Lawless’ Gage Hospitality, the group behind popular downtown spots the Gage and the Dawson, and gave tourists and downtown workers a space to unwind from the once-bustling Michigan Avenue. The restaurant’s website and social media pages have been taken down. The restaurant was home to a McDonald’s before ownership remodeled that space.

Ravenswood: Band of Bohemia, the world’s first Michelin-starred brewpub, won’t reopen as its owners have filed for bankruptcy, according to the Tribune. Co-founders Michael Carroll and Craig Sindelar blame the closure on the pandemic and subsequent economic crisis. Records show that the restaurant owes about $1.3 million to Bancorp Bank and many other small companies and vendors, as well as $100,000 in rent and taxes. Ownership also reportedly took on $40,000 in Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans in April.

The ambitious restaurant and brewery opened to great fanfare in 2015, as the co-founders met met while working at world-famous Lincoln Park restaurant Alinea. Band of Bohemia first earned a coveted Michelin star just a year later, and held on to it through 2019. At the time, it was the only starred brewpub in the world. Despite critical acclaim and national recognition, the restaurant was the site of controversy as well. Allegations of inappropriate touching and misconduct against a former Band of Bohemia chef date back to 2017, though accounts from women coworkers largely didn’t enter the public sphere until two years later. Sindelar and Carroll were accused of not having control of their workplace in allowing such behavior to take place.

Despite opening a stall in Time Out Market — a sign of the brewpub was moving beyond past controversy — Band of Bohemia soon hit rocky waters. In July, the restaurant closed — a temporary move, ownership said at the time — following a flurry of allegations claiming leadership fostered a toxic work environment while mishandling operations during the pandemic. Former executive chef Soo Ahn (Grace, EL ideas) left Band of Bohemia in May, claiming that Carroll and Sindelar asked him and other staff to help reopen the restaurant for free while simultaneously collecting unemployment. Ahn says he was told he would later be paid back about $500 per week at some point should indoor dining resume. Carroll and Sindelar denied these claims at the time. Despite telling the Trib they an official announcement would be posted on its website, six days later, it’s still not appeared. The official Instagram page has not been updated since July.

Ukrainian Village: Family owned taqueria Border Taco closed earlier this week. The restaurant’s owners posted a heartfelt farewell writing that the pandemic didn’t just hurt financially, something obscured by angry business owners barking at lawmakers over restrictions. There’s also an emotional toil, as owners shared how deaths in the family affected their psyche.

West Rogers Park: Modern Mexican restaurant Three Legged Tacos Taqueria is permanently closed as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a Facebook post. It opened just two weeks before officials mandated that dining rooms close to try and prevent the virus’ spread, and ownership writes that timing was insufficient to get a new business off the ground. The business also operates a food truck that will remain in hibernation for the time being, “but don’t forget about us just yet,” ownership writes. “Fresh starts can be painful, but in our experience, can be equally catalytic for exciting new chapters.”

West Town: After eight years, TWO has closed in West Town. A large “for lease” sign hangs in the window. The restaurant’s online ordering portals are down, and its owners have started to post old photos on Facebook from when the restaurant opened in 2012. The New American restaurant enjoyed success, including a Bib Gourmand recognition from Michelin.

Rosemont: Near O’Hare International Airport, Gene & Georgetti is being evicted so the steakhouse owners will close its restaurant and banquet hall on October 31, according to the Tribune. Owner Michelle Durpetti tells reporters that she’s accrued three months of deferred rent and faces an upcoming property tax bill of around $120,000, but says village leadership wouldn’t meet with her to try and come up with a solution. The restaurant reportedly must vacate the space before November 4. The suburban outpost served as a backbone for the business when a fire ravaged its iconic original location in River North in October 2019. The downtown restaurant reopened after six months of repairs in March, and won’t be affected by the closure in Rosemont.

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October 20

Andersonville: Popular drag queen diner Hamburger Mary’s will close its restaurant on the corner of Clark and Balmoral on November 1 after nearly 15 years, according to Block Club Chicago. Co-owners and brothers Ashley and Brandon Wright hope to reopen the business in a different, less expensive neighborhood when the pandemic is over, they told reporters. The Wrights put the restaurant, along with upstairs performance venue Mary’s Attic and shuttered brewpub Andersonville Brewing Co., up for sale in August 2019. At the time, more than a year remained on their lease and the pair planned to remain for the duration. The pandemic upended their plans, and they now hope to find a new space for Mary’s in the spring. Hamburger Mary’s Milwaukee location remains open.

Hamburger Mary’s co-owner Ashley Wright as Apple Brown Betty. Barry Brecheisen/Eater Chicago

Fulton Market: California-based brewery Ballast Point will temporarily close its Chicago brewpub on October 24 due to the coronavirus, according to the Tribune. “Our plan is to reopen this location when the weather is favorable and it is safe to dine indoors,” ownership announced on Twitter last week. The location first opened in June 2018. In a surprise move, suburban Highwood brewery Kings & Convicts Brewing Co. bought Ballast Point from Constellation Brands — the owner of the American rights to Corona, Modelo, and more — in late 2019. The deal included the Fulton Market location, as well as four California brewpubs and a tasting room. This was Kings & Convicts first restaurant operation.

Ballast Point’s Fulton Market brewpub is temporarily closed. Ballast Point/Marcin Cymmer

Fulton Market: Casual all-day spot City Mouse at the Ace Hotel Chicago from chef Jason Vincent (Giant) is permanently closed. The restaurant first opened in August 2017 in concert with the hotel launch, and served many cups of coffee and gas station sandwiches to laptop-wielding downtown denizens. Hotel management points to the pandemic as the reason behind the closure — downtown employees, like those at a Google office across the street from City Mouse — are working from home now, and aren’t buying lunch. Meanwhile, Alinea will take over the former City Mouse space on the hotel’s ground floor for three months, starting in November. Reps stress that the closure isn’t tied to the Ace’s deal with the world famous restaurant, and that the timing is merely coincidence.

Lincoln Square: The Huettenbar, one of the last remaining traditional German-style bars in the area, is closed, according to the Tribune. The bar’s ownership is still holding off small hopes that it could reopen post pandemic, according to a source close to management. But the chances are slim. The bar was ideal for tall glasses of German beer.

River North: All-day brunch spot Hutch American Cafe, a spinoff of Hutch American Bistro near Wrigley Field, is closed after four years, according to an Instagram post. Ownership will reopen the Ontario Street space next week as Boca Loca Cantina, a Mexican-style restaurant with tacos and plenty of drinks, they wrote in a follow-up on social media.

South Loop: Grant Park Bistro, the ground floor French restaurant inside the Hotel Essex, will temporarily close after brunch service on October 25, according to a Facebook post. “We are so grateful to this community and our wonderful neighbors in the South Loop for all of your support this summer and fall and we want to assure you that we will be back and better than ever in the spring of 2021,” LM Restaurant Group co-owners Nicole and Stephan Outrequin Quaisser write on social media.

South Loop: Longtime burger and fast food spot Standing Room Only (SRO) Chicago is closed after 14 years, according to neighborhood blog Sloopin. “Space for Lease” signs are visible in the window at 610 S. Dearborn Street.

The Loop: Michelin-starred fine dining destination Everest will close following New Year’s Eve service after more than 30 years, according to the Tribune. The elegant restaurant helmed by chef Jean Joho — one of the first in Chicago to offer a tasting menu — drew attention for remarkable views from its perch above the financial district. It also earned recognition from organizations including the James Beard Foundation, Les Grandes Tables Du Monde, and Relais & Chateaux. The closure is not a result of the coronavirus, Joho tells the Trib the restaurant’s lease is up, and building management doesn’t want to renew. Everest is currently open three nights a week, and is even featuring carryout and delivery via Tock.

Everest is owned by Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises. When it closes, the group’s RPM restaurant line will be the last of its establishments (it closed Tru in 2017) to approach fine dining in Chicago. A LEYE rep points out that Joho also has a fine dine restaurant in Las Vegas (Eiffel Tower Restaurant), Before the pandemic, LEYE and the Alinea Group announced a collaborative project to reopen French icon Ambria, which was supposed to open in early 2020. There have been no updates on the endeavor in the months since.

Wicker Park: Mex-Tex all-day diner Dove’s Luncheonette is temporarily closed for the winter, according to a statement posted to its website. Though the announcement doesn’t specify a reopening date or time frame, ownership reassures fans that “we can’t imagine Wicker Park without our little luncheonette and will be back as soon as we can safely offer up our cozy, 41-seat, diner to you again.” The restaurant is owned by One Off Hospitality, which has closed both Michelin-starred West Loop restaurant Blackbird and French bistro Cafe Cancale in June due to the pandemic. Former Eater critic Bill Addison named Dove’s as one of the best new restaurants in America when it opened in 2015.

October 13

Avondale: Twenty-five-year-old institution Belmont Snack Shop is closed after a fire erupted inside the restaurant on October 8. The 24-hour diner was known and loved for its affordable meals, offered long before the neighborhood became a desirable location for independent restaurants like Parachute and Honey Butter Fried Chicken. In a Facebook Live video on Monday, co-owner Nelson Rodriguez takes viewers on a tour of the extensive damage inside the restaurant. Rodriguez’s daughter Alexis has set up a GoFundMe to help support employees financially. So far donors have raised more than $5,000.

Lincoln Square: Philly cheesesteak bar Monti’s is temporarily closed due to a fire inside the Talman Avenue restaurant in mid September, according to Block Club Chicago. Fire crews were called to the building around 9:30 a.m. on September 15, a Fire Department rep told reporters at the time. Damage to the building was severe but no one was injured. A reopening date has not yet been announced. Monti’s first opened in 2012.

Logan Square: Bar and Mexican street food spot Masa Azul is temporarily closing just after celebrating its ninth anniversary, according to a Facebook post. Ownership writes that they feel confident in their decision to only offer carryout over the summer to help keep customers and workers safe, but the business is suffering financially as a result. “In an effort to hopefully rise again when the pandemic wanes, we will be hitting the pause button on our operations,” the post reads. “We hope this is temporary, as we look forward to many more anniversaries to celebrate with you!”

Montclare: Illinois’ last remaining Old Country Buffet location is permanently closed at at 6560 W. Fullerton Avenue, according to the Tribune. The all-you-can-eat buffet chain is one of several operated by Texas-based parent company Vita Nova Brands. Buffets are dependent on dine-in customers who usually are up and about the restaurant space and often share serving utensils — features that are also serious obstacles to social-distancing efforts. The Fullerton location offered curbside pickup during Illinois’ stay-at-home order, the Daily Herald reported. Still, the company was struggling even before the pandemic: Old Country Buffet was already facing a sales decline of 3.3 percent in February, the Trib reports.

West Loop: Michelin-starred Scandinavian restaurant Elske will take an “extended winter break” starting October 18, with plans to reopen in early 2021. Co-owners and spouses Anna and David Posey have been offering a rotating carryout menu during the pandemic. The prospect of indoor dining, however, made them sufficiently uncomfortable that they decided to pause operations during cold weather, according to Anna Posey. “We kind of kept the restaurant in Phase 3 this whole time and promised that to our staff when they came back,” she says. “It became evident to us that we didn’t feel safe opening for indoor dining. it’s hard to say goodby to the staff, but hopefully it’s just for the winter.”

West Loop: Randolph Street restaurant and lounge Maude’s Liquor Bar is permanently closed after nine years, according to a letter posted to the website. The letter, signed by a fictional and eponymous Maude, claims the closure is a natural conclusion for the venue and is not a result of the pandemic. Operated by Au Cheval owner Brendan Sodikoff’s Hogsalt Hospitality group, Maude’s was founded in 2011 and drew crowds for cocktails and rustic French food. It reopened in August for the first time since March with dine-in service, delivery, and carryout. Sodikoff has not responded to a request for more information.

Wicker Park: Neighborhood pioneer Northside Bar & Grill, one of the few remaining vestiges of the area’s quality dining boom, is permanently closed, ownership told Eater Chicago. It first opened in 1989 on the corner of Concord and Damen, according to the Chicago Bar Project, and earned fans over the decades for good bar food, an enclosed beer garden atrium, and a late-night menu. Its former compatriots include the now-shuttered Feast from Debra Sharpe (Goddess & Grocer), along with Piece Brewery and Pizzeria, Blue Line Lounge & Grill, and drinking spot Estelle’s.

October 6

Lakeview: Neighborhood sports bar Schoolyard Tavern & Grill served its final beers on Sunday, ownership writes in a Twitter thread. “Covid has been a destructive force to so many lives, families, friendships, and livelihoods. We have all felt the sting, some of us worse than others,” the tweets read. “When we close Sunday evening. It will be the last time we lock the doors as Schoolyard Tavern. Unfortunately, trying to run a sports bar in this new reality is just not sustainable.” Four Corners hospitality group, Schoolyard’s original founders, sold the bar to the owners of Links Taproom in 2018.

Lincoln Park: Ambitious Latin American restaurant Mundano from chef Ross Henke (Quiote) is permanently closed. The restaurant, forced to patio and takeout was one of the 2020’s most anticipated openings. Ownership closed in September, just eight months after its February debut. Henke sought to draw inspiration from Latin American cuisine with items like savory churros, but also integrated genre-defying options like Chinese dan dan noodles with lamb chorizo. He also brought in former Quiote colleague Trista Baker, who co-founded the Restaurant Culture Association, to help create a healthy and equitable workplace.

Lincoln Square/Ravenswood: Pioneering North Side gastropub Fountainhead is scheduled to permanently close on November 14 after more than a decade. Fountainhead was an early adopter of the gastropub model in Chicago, and demonstrated that great bar food didn’t have to be fried. Though ownership received a Payroll Protection Program (PPP) loan in the spring, the business hasn’t been operating at a sustainable level, Jon Putman, the bar’s director of restaurant operations. Fountainhead Market, the retail side of the business that features wine, beer, spirits, snacks, and more for carryout and delivery, will remain open indefinitely.

Rogers Park: Casual neighborhood bar and restaurant Pub 626 is permanently closed, according to Block Club Chicago. Ownership attributes the closure to pandemic-era mandates that cap the number of customers allowed inside, writing on Facebook that it was ultimately impossible to avoid shutting down. It opened in 2015 in the space formerly occupied by Bullhead Cantina.

September 29

Old Town: Italian-style snack shop BomboBar bears a large “available space” sign outside its location at 1529 N. Wells Street. First opened in 2019, it was Chicago’s second BomboBar location from the group behind Bar Siena in West Loop. It was popular for its bombolini, or hole-free Italian doughnuts, along with Instagram-friendly desserts, burgers, and more. Reps have not yet responded to a request for more information. The space formerly housed Buzz Bait Taqueria.

Ravenswood: The windows at casual Mexican restaurant Erick’s Tacos on Lawrence have been papered over and its phone number has been disconnected. It’s also listed as “closed” on Yelp. Fans over the years have touted speedy service and affordable prices since it opened in 2006.

River North: Wild and wacky Miami import Barton G. is permanently closed, according to the restaurant’s website. “After careful consideration, we regret to inform you of the permanent closure of Barton G. Chicago due to difficulties related to the COVID-19 pandemic,” the announcement reads. Known for over-the-top drinks and dishes — like a four-foot tall ice cream cone that made a big splash on Instagram — Barton G. first opened in Chicago in February 2019. Locations in Miami Beach and Los Angeles remain open.

River North: European-style restaurant, catering, and wine shop the Artisan Cellar will permanently close on Wednesday after 22 years inside the Merchandise Mart, according to owner Philip Bernstein. “The combination of the city and state imposed lockdowns lasting for months made the generation of any tangible cash flow necessary to pay essential recurring bills impossible, with no relief in sight, and lack of any clarity in terms of what new regulations may be imposed by these governmental entities in both the near term and long term,” Bernstein writes in an email.

River North: Famed national chain Ruth’s Chris Steak House has temporarily closed its Dearborn Street location, according to a sign in restaurant’s window. The sign tells customers to order from the chain’s suburban locations. Other locations across the country are also listed as temporarily closed. Parent company Ruth’s Hospitality Group was roundly criticized for accepting two separate $10 million Payroll Protection Program (PPP) loans in the spring, especially after the federal government announced that it had run out of the $349 billion set aside to support small businesses during the pandemic. The company returned the funds in late April.

Update: Ruth’s Chris Steak House on Dearborn Street is permanently closed, according to the Tribune.

The Loop: Downtown Polish spot Pierogi Heaven has disconnected the phone number for its Wells Street location and is listed as “closed” on Yelp. Hailed as one of Chicago’s preferred pierogi purveyors, the restaurant served downtown workers and neighbors for a decade. Ownership has not yet responded to a request for more information.

Arlington Heights: Iconic suburban bake shop Arlington Cake Box Bakery is permanently closed after 71 years, according to the Daily Herald. Co-owners and spouses Karen and Paul Gardner have looked for a buyer for a while without success, so when the bakery’s lease was up in the Westgate Park & Shop center, the pair decided not to renew. They plan to auction off equipment next month. Karen Gardner’s grandparents first opened the bakery in 1949.

Norwood Park: Family-owned suburban Irish spot Mo Daileys Pub & Grille was closed and sold to a new proprietor in early June, according to a Facebook post. “It is with a happy and humble heart that we announce the sale and closing of Mo Daileys Pub & Grille,” the post reads. “After 9 years here in Norwood Park, we, the Dailey Family, have decided to move on to other exciting adventures and endeavors! “

September 22

Lakeview/West Loop: Both Chicago locations of London-based coffee chain Department of Coffee and Social Affairs are closed and have entered liquidation, according to Big Hospitality. The Lakeview cafe, first opened in 2017, was the company’s first location outside of England.

Logan Square: Essential barbecue restaurant Fat Willy’s Rib Shack will hold its final day of service on Sunday, September 27 after nearly 20 years in business. It’s located near the Regal City North movie theater — now shut down for months because of the pandemic — so the restaurant lost the stream of hungry filmgoers that gobbled down its popular pork racks. Owner and chef Bo Fowler (Owen & Engine) made announced the closure on Facebook. Owen & Engine remains closed during the pandemic, but ownership hopes to reopen in the future.

Ravenswood: The North Side location of Mexican coffee house-style spot La Catedral Cafe and Restaurant is permanently closed after five years, according to a message in the window of the Western Avenue space. The note attributes the closure to the pandemic. The restaurant’s original Little Village location remains open.

River North: Famed deep-dish pizza chain Gino’s East and first-floor brewpub Gino’s Brewing Co. are permanently closed in the former LaSalle Power Co., an employee confirmed on the phone. The space is being liquidated. It opened at 500 N. La Salle Street in late 2014 and the team transitioned the ground level space to serve beer and host live comedy. The building was previously home to Michael Jordan’s Restaurant, the icon’s first establishment, which lasted from 1993 to 1999. Gino’s River North location was originally across the street in a now-demolished building that was once a Planet Hollywood.

River North: After nearly half a century, downtown steakhouse Lawry’s the Prime Rib will permanently close at the end of 2020. The closure is a result of a lease expiration, the pandemic, and recent civil unrest, ownership told the Tribune, and neighboring gastropub SideDood will also shutter. The restaurant has operated out of the historic McCormick Mansion on Ontario Street since it first opened in 1974.

Rogers Park: Twisted Tapas, the globally-focused spot from a co-owner of the shuttered Twist tapas cafe in Lakeview, will permanently close on Sunday, September 27, according to a Facebook post. “COVID has destroyed this industry and we are another casualty,” the post reads. “Thank you for 7 years. It has been grand.” Reservations are strongly encouraged for those who want to dine at the restaurant again before it closes.

Southport Corridor: Historic bar, bowling alley, and billiards hall Southport Lanes will permanently close after nearly a century on Sunday, September 27. Owner Steve Soble, who has operated the bar since 1991, said that the financial situation is untenable — he reopened the bar in July, but safety restrictions have left him with a side walk cafe and limited bar food menu. He and partners can’t afford to keep Southport Lanes open. “We have been around since 1902 and I’ve owned it since 1991, so I would say we’ve had a really good run,” Soble says. “It’s sad, but I hope people come in and enjoy it one last time to celebrate what we had.”

Evanston: Motorcycle-themed Italian restaurant La Macchina is permanently closed in the suburbs, Evanston Patch reported. It first opened in 2013, and was designed to make diners feel as if they had been whisked away on a trip to Rome or Capri, according to its website.

Evanston: Suburban bakery and coffee shop Unicorn Cafe is permanently closed after nearly 30 years, according to Evanston Patch. Owner Jessica Donnelly, who has operated the cafe since 2015, told the Daily Northwestern that she has grown “disappointed and disillusioned” with her municipal government as she’s watched regional and national chains like Colectivo Coffee, Starbucks, Peet’s, and others come to dominate the downtown area. She described the area as the worst place for any small business to invest and succeed due to lack of support, presumably from local officials.

September 15

North Center: Thin-crust pizza spot and neighborhood bar Big Bricks is permanently closed after eight years, according to a Facebook post. It was from the team behind shuttered Lincoln Park pizzeria Bricks, and featured a large outdoor patio. “The entire staff extends its deepest gratitude for your years of support, laughs, and friendship,” ownership wrote on social media. “We cannot thank you enough!!”

The Loop: Popular downtown hot dog stand U.B. Dogs is permanently closed after a decade, ownership wrote in a Facebook post Sunday. “While it breaks our hearts to announce our permanent closure, we wanted to take the time and properly thank our customers and family for their support over these last 10 years,” the post reads. “Unfortunately, it’s time for us to end this chapter.” The spot was known for excellent hot dogs — ranging from traditional Chicago-style to “Joey dogs” topped with fries, garlic-wasabi aioli, and Tabasco sauce — as well as great burgers and fries. The Tribune first reported this closure.

The Loop: Downtown food hall Wells Street Market will again close on Friday, September 18, just over two months after it reopened in early July with a limited vendor lineup. It was the first Chicago food hall to reopen for indoor dining during the pandemic, illuminating the significant challenge an airborne virus poses in large, communal dining and drinking spaces. Wells Street first opened in 2018, a part of Chicago’s food hall boom ushered in by Revival Food Hall in the Loop.

Wrigleyville: Beloved Wisconsin and Minnesota-friendly sports bar Redmond’s Ale House served its last beers Saturday during the first Viking’s game of the season before closing permanently, according to a Facebook post. “There are not enough words to express all the memories that have happened within our walls or how much we will truly miss all of you,” the post reads. “Thank you for your patronage. Thank you for your support. Just thank you for being a part of Redmond’s.” A rental listing for the space is currently available online. For local sports bar patrons, the loss is yet another blow in a year of heartbreaking closures.

We’re so f*cked. @RedmondsChicago’s last day is tomorrow. There has been a bar & grill in there for decades. pic.twitter.com/rEf3o97zQr

— Chicago Bars (@chicagobars) September 12, 2020

September 10

Andersonville: Chef Jennifer Kim, Eater Chicago’s Chef of the Year in 2018, is permanently closing her ambitious restaurant Passerotto after three years. Kim’s thoughtful and eclectic menu drew connections between Korean and Italian cuisine, resulting in Michelin Bib Gourmand recognition and a James Beard Best New Restaurant nomination in 2019. A vocal advocate for change in the hospitality industry — notoriously fraught with sexism, racism, and other forms of abuse and marginalization — Kim says she continues to ponder and pursue “a truly equitable, decentralized, community-centered restaurant/hospitality model.”

Gold Coast: Downtown steakhouse the Grill on the Alley, known for solid classics like shrimp cocktail, steak tartare, and Key lime pie, is permanently closed on Michigan Avenue, according to a July WARN report (Worker Adjustment and Retraining Notification Act). The Grill on the Alley chain, which dates back to 1984, operates additional restaurants in California, Texas, and Florida.

Lakeview: A sign in the window at Seattle-style spot Glaze Teriyaki Grill, 3112 N. Broadway, reads “Sorry we’re closed. Currently moving location. ” The restaurant is from a New York City-based chain with additional locations in San Francisco. It first opened in Chicago in 2015.

The Loop: Downtown staple Ronny’s Original Chicago Steakhouse — formerly Ronny’s Steak Palace — is permanently closed inside the Thompson Center after 57 years. The last of the “cheap steak” restaurants, Ronny’s was a destination for those seeking an affordable meal: diners could expect an 8-ounce steak, salad, garlic toast, and baked potato for $9.99. A team of investors first opened the restaurant in 1963.

Wicker Park: A new owner at infamous late-night fixture Flat Iron plans to reconcept the Milwaukee Avenue spot as a music venue, according to Block Club Chicago. Bourbon on Division owner Jun Lin bought the business in late August, much to the dismay of some longtime staffers who had tried to purchase Flat Iron several times. They feel former owner Nick Novich never seriously considered selling it to them. The space previously housed live music venue the Note, which closed in 2008.

Willow Springs: Suburban Italian restaurant Greco’s is permanently closed after 30 years, according to a Facebook post. “It is never easy to say goodbye, and it is especially difficult when there can be no hugs, fond farewells, or meals shared” co-owners Carmalee Greco Kipnis and Michele Greco write. “For this lack of closure, we are deeply sorry. We are grateful, however, to have served you and come to know you.”

September 1

Lakeview: “For lease” signs hang in the window of Indian restaurant Khyber Pass’ Halsted Street spot, and its website now only lists an Oak Park location. The Lakeview restaurant first opened in 2015, and offered live entertainment on weekends.

South Loop: Badger-friendly sports bar Kroll’s South Loop will permanently close its doors at the end of the summer season after 15 years in business, ownership wrote in a Facebook post on Thursday. “Unfortunately, the events of 2020 and the restrictions placed on our business have now become too much for us to overcome,” the post reads. “The burden of operating under the current conditions is too great and, come fall, will be impossible to continue under the current indoor capacity restrictions of 50 patrons.”

West Town: In another dosa downer, Art of Dosa is going on hiatus. The restaurant has operated as a deliver-only ghost kitchen, but in December 2019 it opened its first public-facing location, inside Revival Food Hall in the Loop. Now, operations will cease after being unexpectedly forced from their West Town kitchen space by their landlord. They plan on reopened back at Revival Food Hall, but there’s no date.

Arlington Heights: Family-owned suburban stalwart Thai Little Home permanently closed in April after more than 40 years so its owners could retire, according to a Facebook post. Fans poured into the comments section to share memories four decades of memories at the restaurant, and even probing for recipes.

August 25

Around Town: International grab-and-go sandwich chain Pret a Manger, a particular favorite among many office workers who once grabbed lunch downtown, has closed nearly all its Chicago locations due to the coronavirus pandemic. A University of Chicago shop remains as the last local vestige of the U.K.-based company. The company has seen an 87 percent drop in sales, Restaurant Business Online reported in late July.

Lincoln Park: The Armitage and Sheffield location of Le Pain Quotidien is closed and has big “for lease” signs hanging in its windows. In May, the struggling bakery and cafe chain sold all of its 98 U.S. locations to New York-based company Aurify for $3 million. At the time, Aurify officials said they planned to reopen at least 35 locations around the country.

South Loop: Italian restaurant Giglio’s State Street Tavern now bears a “for lease” sign in the window of its State Street location. Its parent company, Hitz Restaurant Group, had filed for bankruptcy on February, according to Restaurant Hospitality. In June, a federal court ruled that the restaurant only owes 75 percent of its rent during the pandemic due to a Force Majeure, or “Act of God.” Ownership has not responded to a request for more information.

Uptown: 3 Squares Diner, a comfort food spot inside Uptown’s historic Lawrence House, is permanently closed “due to the intense covid regulations,” ownership wrote in an email. Opened in 2018, it was from the folks behind popular Logan Square breakfast restaurant Jam. The team has another project in the works, so stay tuned for updates.

Tinley Park: Well-regarded south suburban seafood restaurant and oyster bar Tin Fish is permanently closed due to COVID-19 after nearly 18 years, according to the Tribune. The space doesn’t have a patio and while the team tried carryout, seafood doesn’t always travel well, partner Curtis Wierbicki told the Trib. Kitchen workers were concerned about infecting older members of their families. When two regulars reported positive tests, the partners gathered staff and told them the restaurant was closing. Wierbicki and business partner Colin Turner first opened the restaurant in 2002.

August 18

Chatham: Harold’s Chicken Shack #55 — the franchise location considered by many to be the best Harold’s in Chicago (the same spot made famous by Chance the Rapper) — permanently closed on July 31, the Tribune reported. Owner Percy Billings, 78, first opened on 87th Street at the Dan Ryan Expressway in 1992. He told the Trib that he tried to work with his landlords, but after they raised his rent by more than 40 percent and wanted him to sign a five-year lease, he reluctantly closed the restaurant. Billings also owns two food trucks, which he used to dispatch downtown, but a lack of workers and tourist in the area means there aren’t enough customers to keep the trucks running. He’s now focusing his attention on his last remaining Harold’s location, the Express #55, located at a Chatham gas station. Harold’s fried chicken with mild sauce is one of Chicago’s most iconic dishes. The sauce — a specialty now of mythic proportion — is born of the city’s South Side, imbuing crisp chicken with a sweet and tangy boost that’s kept locals and celebrities coming back for more.

River North: ‘90s-era family dining destination Rainforest Cafe, perched on the corner of Ohio and Clark streets for 23 years, is permanently closed, according to Block Club Chicago and multiple other media reports. Known for luring kids (and their parents) with animatronic and live animals, aquariums, and Cha! Cha!, the giant green frog luxuriating above the entrance, Rainforest Cafe could be seen as a precursor to the recent (pre-pandemic) trend of “experiential” dining. The shutter comes a year earlier than planned due to the economic ramifications of the pandemic, property owner Sean Conlon told Block Club. The chain closed its longtime Woodfield Mall location on January 1 when its lease expired in suburban Schaumburg.

South Loop: Happy Chinese Kitchen on Cermak Road is listed as permanently closed on both Google and Yelp, and its phone number has been disconnected. The restaurant first opened in 2015.

The Loop: A for-lease sign hangs in the window of an emptied Taco Burrito King space at 405 S. Wells Street and its phone number has been disconnected, though the location is still listed as “temporarily closed” on the local chain’s website. Ownership has not yet responded to a request for more information. The company operates a dozen more city and suburban restaurants.

West Loop: Longtime West Loop French restaurant La Sardine is permanently closed after nearly 22 years. Partner and executive chef Oliver Poilevey announced the closure in an Instagram post on August 14. Though Poilevey originally thought he’d be able to keep the restaurant open, a broken air conditioner and the $80,000 bill it incurred spelled the end of the line, he told the Tribune. Poilevey also operates Bucktown restaurant Le Bouchon, where he also owns the building.

Evanston: Essential suburban restaurant and wine bar the Stained Glass & the Cellar closed Saturday after more than two decades, ownership announced in a Facebook post. The restaurant first opened in 1999. “We want to thank all our guests and especially our regulars who have supported us for the last 20 years,” the post reads. “The wonderful people we have met and memories we have made will stay with us for the years to come.”

August 11

Albany Park: Peruvian steak and seafood spot Ay Ay Picante is permanently closed, according to the restaurant’s manager. Founded in 2007, the restaurant featured live Andean flute music and drew culinary inspiration from various waves of immigrants to Peru, from the Spanish to the Chinese. It was featured on Chicago PBS show Check Please! in 2013.

River North: Playful mid-day destination Brunch from Big Onion Hospitality (Fatpour Tap Works) permanently closed in June after 10 years due to the coronavirus pandemic, according to a statement on the restaurant’s website. “This is NOT the storybook ending we had in mind — and a decision made only after the elimination of all other possibilities,” the statement reads. “Unfortunately, however, the 3-month state-mandated closure and ensuing uncertainty that now clouds the changing landscape of our industry left us no path to survival.”

South Loop: South Side coffee chain Bridgeport Coffee Company has permanently closed its location inside the Roosevelt Collection shopping center, an employee confirmed in a phone call. A post made last month in the Hello South Loop Facebook group includes photos of the empty space at Delano Court West. The company also closed its Jackson Boulevard location in June, but shops in Bridgeport and Hyde Park remain open.

Streeterville: The downtown outpost of Japanese chain and essential Chicago ramen shop Ramen Misoya has permanently closed its Ohio Street location due to the economic strain of the pandemic, according to a Facebook post. “We loved our time serving in Chicago,” the post reads. “However, due to a loss of business caused by the COVID-19 shutdown, we can no longer justify continuing operations at this time.” It first opened in December 2015. The chain’s suburban Mount Prospect location is still open.

West Town: Bar Biscay, the ultra-cool French-inspired costal Spanish brasserie from the owners of Mfk that became both a neighborhood hotspot and critical darling during its two-and-a-half year run, is permanently closed according to a statement posted to Facebook on Friday. The closure was first reported by the Tribune. Bar Biscay and Mfk chef Alisha Elenz has been named a James Beard Award semifinalist for Rising Star Chef and is still in the running to win the title this year.

During the pandemic shutdown, Bar Biscay’s owners pivoted toward retail offerings and carryout meals, dubbing the space “Bodega Biscay,” and offering delivery grocery items including dairy products, produce, rice, pasta, and alcohol. “This pandemic has thrown a harsh light on truths we all pretend to accept but seldom act upon — that the future is unknown, that nothing lasts forever,” co-owners write on Facebook. “Let’s try to salvage some good from this. Let’s take better care of each other, of our planet, of ourselves. We only get this one go around, friends.”

Dear Friends, The time has come to say goodbye to our groovy, Atlantic-coast inspired French-Spanish-Basque funhouse.

Posted by Bar Biscay on Friday, August 7, 2020

August 4

Gold Coast: Walton Street Kitchen & Bar, the new American bistro with an intimate downstairs bar from Chicago’s Ballyhoo Hospitality (Gemini), has been erased from the group’s website and is listed as permanently closed on Google. The restaurant first opened in 2018. Ownership has ignored repeated inquiries made to confirm the closure.

Bi-level Gold Coast restaurant Walton Street is closed. Barry Brecheisen/Eater Chicago

River North: A for-lease sign is posted outside Wells Street’s Ironside Bar and Galley, indicating the end of a four-year run for the stylish, seafood-focused sports bar. It first opened in 2016 inside the former Cyrano’s Farm Kitchen space.

River North: Brazilian churrascaria ZED451 has locked down its website and deactivated all social media platforms. A recorded phone message directs callers to the now-password protected website. The group-friendly spot originated in suburban Schaumburg, and operated a location in Boca Raton, Florida that closed in 2011.

South Loop: Black-owned martini bar and lounge Tantrum is permanently closed after 12 years due to the financial ramifications of COVID-19, according to a June 26 Instagram post. “Tantrum meant a lot to many people,” the post reads. “For the more seasoned party goers, when we first opened it was the spot you just chilled at and it became your ‘Black Neighborhood Cheers.’ For those that are in their late 20s to mid 30s, we were your first party spot, some couldn’t wait to turn 21 to go to Tantrum.” Co-owners Shun D. and John McClendon promise a “new and bigger Tantrum in the near future.” The pair also own sports bar and dance club Renaissance Bronzeville.


WD-50 Alums Plan Pop-Up Meals at Darnell’s in Washington, DC - Recipes

Sat, 22 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Metro Atlanta sixth grader challenges suspension over ‘Zoom bombing’ allegations

Сб 22 мая 2021 20:25:00 -
https://www.ajc.com/news/gwinnett-student-challenges-suspension-over-zoom-bombing-allegations/UMQAYE3COVAB3DE4M2Q6QPHVCI/

Malachi Battle's lawyers say Gwinnett County schools made the accusation based on faulty computer logs provided by Zoom. a problem that could repeat elsewhere since the company’s online sessions are replacing classrooms for millions of students amid the coronavirus pandemic.

Fri, 21 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Wikigroaning - Wikipedia

Пт 21 мая 2021 17:08:55 -
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikigroaning

Successful Innovators Don’t Care About Innovating

Пт 21 мая 2021 17:00:33 -
https://hbr.org/2014/10/successful-innovators-dont-care-about-innovating

They care about problem-solving.

Rebekah Jones Confirms That She Was Never Asked to Delete Deaths in Florida | National Review

Пт 21 мая 2021 16:54:54 -
https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/rebekah-jones-admits-she-was-never-asked-to-delete-covid-deaths-in-florida/amp/?__twitter_impression=true

On Twitter on May 20, Jones tweeted, ‘Deleting deaths was never something I was asked to do. I’ve never claimed it was.’

Https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1395739619535196169?s=09

Пт 21 мая 2021 12:51:20 -
https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1395739619535196169?s=09

Https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1395739832270262276?s=09

Пт 21 мая 2021 10:01:29 -
https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1395739832270262276?s=09

The Sex Negative Society – Quillette

Пт 21 мая 2021 09:55:48 -
https://quillette.com/2021/05/13/the-sex-negative-society/

Sex is in trouble. Fewer of us are having it. Those who do have it less, later, and are finding it harder and less satisfying than they hoped for. The question arises: how come, in our culture that…

Thu, 20 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Trump administration secretly obtained CNN reporter's phone and email records - CNNPolitics

Чт 20 мая 2021 19:11:39 -
https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/20/politics/trump-secretly-obtained-cnn-reporter-records/index.html

The Trump administration secretly sought and obtained the 2017 phone and email records of a CNN correspondent, the latest instance where federal prosecutors have taken aggressive steps targeting journalists in leak investigations.

A New Coronavirus May Be Making People Sick. And It's Coming From Dogs : Goats and Soda : NPR

Чт 20 мая 2021 16:39:59 -
https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/05/20/996515792/a-newly-identified-coronavirus-is-making-people-sick-and-it-s-coming-from-dogs

A previously unknown novel coronavirus capable of infecting people has been discovered in Borneo, says a team of researchers from Duke University.

We Found a FREE Dinosaur Park on Western Michigan University's Campus - KZOOKIDS

Чт 20 мая 2021 16:26:55 -
https://kzookids.com/western-michigan-university-dinosaur-park/

Dinosaur Park near Rood Hall on Western Michigan University's campus

Wed, 19 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

1619, 1776, and Us - The Bulwark

Ср 19 мая 2021 19:12:23 -
https://thebulwark.com/1619-1776-and-us/?amp&__twitter_impression=true

What the conflict over the NYT extravaganza and the much-mocked Trump commission report is really about.

'Coolest thing I've ever done in my life': Rioter who bragged about pushing female cop down Capitol stairs arrested in Florida - Raw Story - Celebrating 17 Years of Independent Journalism

Ср 19 мая 2021 17:30:43 -
https://www.rawstory.com/coolest-thing-capitol-attacker-shoves-cop-down-stairs/

Daniel Paul Gray of Florida was charged today with multiple crimes of violence against police officers at the January 6 Capitol riot. Supporting photographic evidence is a video made by Gray that spells out the goal of "pushing police out the back of the Capitol." Gray is accused of having altercati.

Judge acquits Miami cop accused of kicking at handcuffed suspect | Miami Herald

Ср 19 мая 2021 16:46:35 -
https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/crime/article229636834.html

Gwyneth Paltrow's company sued after man claims vagina-scented candle 'exploded' | Ents & Arts News | Sky News

Ср 19 мая 2021 16:46:23 -
https://news.sky.com/story/gwyneth-paltrows-company-sued-after-man-claims-vagina-scented-candle-exploded-12310491

Goop's website tells users not to burn the candle for more than two hours and the company has called the claim "frivolous".

Cowgirl Romances #9 (1952) | Tom Simpson | Flickr

Ср 19 мая 2021 13:49:45 -
https://www.flickr.com/photos/gameraboy/51179084634/in/dateposted/

Explore gameraboy's photos on Flickr. gameraboy has uploaded 15924 photos to Flickr.

Tue, 18 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Novelty Means Severity: The Key To the Pandemic - Insight

Вт 18 мая 2021 11:04:32 -
https://www.theinsight.org/p/novelty-means-severity-the-key-to

Nothing in a pandemic makes sense except in the light of novelty: A guest essay.

Late night hosts doubt the CDC's mask-vaccination honor system is workable, believe UFOs are real

Вт 18 мая 2021 10:49:03 -
https://news.yahoo.com/night-hosts-doubt-cdcs-mask-091700278.html

"Last week, the CDC officially announced that aside from a few exceptions, people who have gotten the COVID vaccine no longer need to wear masks to stay safe," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "But now, some people are telling the CDC to slow their roll," worried it's too soon to unmask, especially with no way to tell who is vaccinated. The honor system is not a workable solution, Noah said. "I mean, have you ever seen the 10 Items or Less line?" In reality, "lots of unvaccinated people won't be wearing masks," while, "a lot of vaccinated people who don't need to wear a mask anymore are gonna keep doing it anyway," he said. "In fact, it kind of warms my heart a little bit to think that somewhere, a liberal who's wearing a mask even though he's vaccinated will run into a conservative wearing a mask to protect himself from vaccines, and the two of them will look at each other and think, 'Yeah, this guy gets it.'" "For the new guidelines to work, the CDC is asking Americans to be honest about their vaccination status," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Really? People can't even tell the truth on their Tinder profiles." In a boring new New York Times exposé, President Biden's advisers say he's "obsessed with details, asks many questions, and displays unexpected warmth," Fallon said. "The report also says that Biden's drink of choice is Orange Gatorade. Is it? Or is it just water with Metamucil?" He also had fun with Biden's unearthed Venmo history. Biden apparently used his since-deleted Venmo account to send money to his granddaughters, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "It's just weird to hear about a politician using Venmo to pay teenagers for something other than sex, isn't it?" Kimmel also lingered on a new 60 Minutes report on UFOs. "The government calls them Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, UAP — just like the Cardi B song — and they've known about this for a couple years but they waited until now to talk about it," he said. "I feel like if this story had been on 60 Minutes in, like, 1988, it would be the only thing we talk about for the next 30 years," but after watching it, "you almost hope they're visitors from another planet, because if China has technology like this, we'd better learn to speak Mandarin like immediately." More stories from theweek.com7 scathingly funny cartoons about Liz Cheney's ousterThe threat of civil war didn't end with the Trump presidencyStephen Colbert and Seth Meyers count the ways Matt Gaetz is ruined by his wingman's plea deal

Mets’ Kevin Pillar given CT scan after taking 95mph fastball to face | New York Mets | The Guardian

Вт 18 мая 2021 09:28:39 -
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2021/may/18/mets-kevin-pillar-hit-face-fastball-atlanta-braves-baseball

New York Mets outfielder Kevin Pillar appeared to escape serious injury on Monday night after taking a 95 mph fastball to the face

Newer generations prefer simpler song lyrics

Вт 18 мая 2021 08:55:13 -
https://www.psypost.org/2021/05/newer-generations-prefer-simpler-song-lyrics-60800

Studies have demonstrated that song lyrics are reflective in key ways of the generation that produced them. A shift in focus in song lyrics from the 1980s .

Mon, 17 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

The one where writing books is not really a good idea - The Novelleist

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:56:32 -
https://ellegriffin.substack.com/p/creator-economy-for-fiction-authors?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

The New York Times caused a stir recently when, in an article about pandemic book sales, it disclosed that “98 percent of the books that publishers released in 2020 sold fewer than 5,000 copies.” Though that statistic was shocking to many, it is not new information.

Threat Modeling | Security Education Companion

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:53:52 -
https://sec.eff.org/topics/threat-modeling?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

The Security Education Companion is a resource for people teaching digital security to their friends and neighbors.

The one where writing books is not really a good idea - The Novelleist

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:53:40 -
https://ellegriffin.substack.com/p/creator-economy-for-fiction-authors?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

The New York Times caused a stir recently when, in an article about pandemic book sales, it disclosed that “98 percent of the books that publishers released in 2020 sold fewer than 5,000 copies.” Though that statistic was shocking to many, it is not new information.

43 years and 14 billion miles later, Voyager 1 still crunching data to reveal secrets of the interstellar medium • The Register

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:53:32 -
https://www.theregister.com/2021/05/11/voyager_1_interstellar_medium/?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Gazing into the void for at least a few more years yet

Twitter

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:53:19 -
https://mobile.twitter.com/DanielMiessler/status/1394014859444908033?s=20&mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Fires set by firefighters a long-standing problem, experts say | CBC News

Пн 17 мая 2021 17:39:44 -
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/fires-set-by-firefighters-a-long-standing-problem-experts-say-1.3563183?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

An arson expert based in California says firefighter arson is a recognized, ongoing problem, but it's difficult to know just how common it is.

Insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Пн 17 мая 2021 16:36:23 -
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/insurer-axa-hit-by-ransomware-after-dropping-support-for-ransom-payments/?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Branches of insurance giant AXA based in Thailand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and the Philippines have been struck by a ransomware cyber attack. As seen by BleepingComputer yesterday, the Avaddon ransomware group claimed on their leak site that they had stolen over 3 TB of sensitive data from AXA's Asian operations.

Insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Пн 17 мая 2021 16:26:28 -
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/insurer-axa-hit-by-ransomware-after-dropping-support-for-ransom-payments/?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Branches of insurance giant AXA based in Thailand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and the Philippines have been struck by a ransomware cyber attack. As seen by BleepingComputer yesterday, the Avaddon ransomware group claimed on their leak site that they had stolen over 3 TB of sensitive data from AXA's Asian operations.

Insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Пн 17 мая 2021 16:26:20 -
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/insurer-axa-hit-by-ransomware-after-dropping-support-for-ransom-payments/?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Branches of insurance giant AXA based in Thailand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and the Philippines have been struck by a ransomware cyber attack. As seen by BleepingComputer yesterday, the Avaddon ransomware group claimed on their leak site that they had stolen over 3 TB of sensitive data from AXA's Asian operations.

Insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Пн 17 мая 2021 16:26:18 -
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/insurer-axa-hit-by-ransomware-after-dropping-support-for-ransom-payments/?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Branches of insurance giant AXA based in Thailand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and the Philippines have been struck by a ransomware cyber attack. As seen by BleepingComputer yesterday, the Avaddon ransomware group claimed on their leak site that they had stolen over 3 TB of sensitive data from AXA's Asian operations.

Cryptography Dispatches: OpenSSH 8.2 Just Works with U2F/FIDO2 Security Keys • Buttondown

Пн 17 мая 2021 11:51:50 -
https://buttondown.email/cryptography-dispatches/archive/cryptography-dispatches-openssh-82-just-works?mc_cid=70d863bc5d&mc_eid=62e876ed8a

Welcome back to Cryptography Dispatches, my lightly edited newsletter on cryptography engineering. As always there's no tracking, so please reply and say hi.

Sun, 16 May 2021 00:00:00 -0400

Glock wins (and Biden loses) in major liability suit | Washington Examiner

Вс 16 мая 2021 22:03:21 -
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/glock-wins-and-biden-loses-in-major-liability-suit

Bitwarden - Alex's Home Assistant documentation

Вс 16 мая 2021 22:03:06 -
https://alex3305.github.io/home-assistant-docs/add-ons/bitwarden/

April jobs report surprise: Is this a labor shortage or a great reassessment of work in America? - The Washington Post

Вс 16 мая 2021 22:01:05 -
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/05/07/jobs-report-labor-shortage-analysis/

(3) James Surowiecki on Twitter: "4. So, when the ADL guy told Jeopardy contestants who had bizarrely decided that another contestant was a white supremacist that he thought the guy was just holding up 3 fingers to signal his third win, he was not "gaslighting" them. He was disagreeing with them." / Twitter

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:55:13 -
https://twitter.com/JamesSurowiecki/status/1394107362080927747

Colonial shutdown shows the price of efficiency - The Washington Post

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:54:20 -
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/05/15/energy-cost-cutting-price/

Small-town bar owner faces big-time consequences after selling fake vaccine cards to undercover cops

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:53:17 -
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2021/5/6/2029249/-Small-town-bar-owner-faces-big-time-consequences-after-selling-fake-vaccine-cards-to-undercover-cops

Apple brass discussed disclosing 128-million iPhone hack, then decided not to | Ars Technica

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:52:51 -
https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2021/05/apple-brass-discussed-disclosing-128-million-iphone-hack-then-decided-not-to/

On the Link Between Great Thinking and Obsessive Walking ‹ Literary Hub

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:35:04 -
https://lithub.com/on-the-link-between-great-thinking-and-obsessive-walking/

Facebook Ordered to Stop German WhatsApp Users’ Data Collection - Bloomberg

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:05:21 -
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-11/facebook-ordered-to-stop-collecting-german-whatsapp-users-data

Biden Energy Chief Says U.S. ‘Utterly Vulnerable’ to Hackers - Bloomberg

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:04:58 -
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-10/biden-energy-chief-says-u-s-utterly-vulnerable-to-hackers

A “Perfect Coronal Mass Ejection” Could Be a Nightmare

Вс 16 мая 2021 21:04:37 -
http://www.arrl.org/news/a-perfect-coronal-mass-ejection-could-be-a-nightmare

Reverse proxy noob wanting to learn

Вс 16 мая 2021 16:13:15 -
https://www.reddit.com/r/selfhosted/comments/ndugg5/reverse_proxy_noob_wanting_to_learn/

Imgur: The magic of the Internet

Вс 16 мая 2021 16:10:55 -
https://m.imgur.com/xY0d1cn?r

Discover the magic of the internet at Imgur, a community powered entertainment destination. Lift your spirits with funny jokes, trending memes, entertaining gifs, inspiring stories, viral videos, and so much more.

Finland Prime Minister’s Aspirational Goal Of A Six-Hour, Four-Day Workweek: Will It Ever Happen?

Вс 16 мая 2021 16:10:34 -
https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackkelly/2020/01/08/finlands-prime-ministers-aspirational-goal-of-a-six-hour-four-day-workweek-will-this-ever-happen/

In an era of heightened work-related angst, stress and pressure, there is an emerging movement to shorten the workday and week.

Saw this on twitter. i know its myrtle beach, sc but does anyone have any idea where to get one of these online. asking for a friend..

Вс 16 мая 2021 16:08:15 -
https://www.reddit.com/r/baseball/comments/ndsdni/saw_this_on_twitteri_know_its_myrtle_beach_sc_but/

Amazon.com: Huion Artist Glove for Drawing Tablet (1 Unit of Free Size, Good for Right Hand or Left Hand) - Cura CR-01: Computers & Accessories

Вс 16 мая 2021 14:50:18 -
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00VTHAS00/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?tag=recomendos-20&ie=UTF8&psc=1&geniuslink=true

How To Change Your WordPress Username (Manually Or With A Plugin)

Вс 16 мая 2021 14:36:31 -
https://kinsta.com/knowledgebase/change-wordpress-username/

Learn how to change WordPress usernames manually or with a plugin. You can change your own username or any other user's username.


Scripts

Here, you’ll find a list of past halftime scripts for your reading enjoyment. Long as the list is, it’s still not long enough! Former MOBsters who are hoarding old scripts that aren’t included here, please contact the webmagister or [email protected] We’re missing lots of good scripts, including many of the old ones, most of the early 00’s, and all of the early 80’s. Help!

Special thanks go out to John “Grungy” Gladu, whose hard work and tireless dedication make such a page possible.

2019 2018 2017 2016 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997 1995 1994 1993 1992 1990 1989 1988 1987 1986 1980 1979 1978 1977 1976 1975 1974 1973 1972 1971 1968

The “KISS” Show Wake Forest, Sep 6, 2019 “Texas is Back! to the Future” UT, Sep 14, 2019 “Star Bears” Baylor, Sep 21, 2019
“The Non-Newsworthy Karaoke Show” LA Tech, Sep 28, 2019 “The Spooky Scary Show” Southern Miss, Oct 26, 2019 “The 2019 Homecoming Show” Marshall, Nov 2, 2019
“Scooby Doo Meets Santana: The Texas Theft” UNT, Nov 23, 2019 Pregame 2019
“What a Year It Has Been” PVAMU, Aug 25, 2018 “Get Out of My Swamp” UH, Sep 1, 2018 The “Pink Floyd Show” Show UTSA, Oct 6, 2018
The “Blasting Off” Show UAB, Oct 13, 2018 The “Politics Is a No-No” Show UTEP, Nov 3, 2018 The “Tech Savvy” Show @ LA Tech, Nov 10, 2018
The “Star” Show ODU, Nov 24, 2018
@ UH, Sep 16, 2017 The “Get Off My Lawn” Show FIU, Sep 23, 2017 The “Black Knight” Show Army, Oct 7, 2017
The “Let’s Mess with Texas” Show @ UTSA, Oct 21, 2017 The “Banned Day” Show LA Tech, Oct 28, 2017 “What’s New Pussycat” Southern Miss, Nov 11, 2017
“The Little MOB That Could” UNT, Nov 25, 2017
“The Title (is) Nine” Baylor, Sep 16, 2016 “The MOB Drinks to Forget” UNT, Sep 24, 2016 “We R Family” UTSA, Oct 15, 2016
“Flash MOB” PVAMU, Oct 22, 2016 “Spoopy Places” @ LA Tech, Oct 29, 2016 “Owl-ection Show Time” FAU, Nov 5, 2016
“Minor Thoughts” UTEP, Nov 19, 2016
@ A&M, Aug 31, 2013 “Vortex of Boredom”
Kansas, Sep 14, 2013
“Codependent, Much?”
@ UH, Sep 21, 2013
“The Snowden Job”
FAU, Sep 28, 2013
“Are they making fun of us?”
@ UTSA, Oct 12, 2013
“Miners University”
UTEP, Oct 26, 2013
Remembering Mr. Bailiff/”Vision to ‘Let My People Go’ (or) Some Phallus-Sees”
LA Tech, Nov 16, 2013
“How the C-USA West Was Won”
@ Tulane, Nov 30, 2013
“Chamber of Commerce-ish”
Marshall, Dec 7, 2013
Liberty Bowl
vs. Miss State, Dec 31, 2013
“Cash, Hash, Dash”
UCLA, Aug 30, 2012
“Mrs. Bailiff & Mr. Miggins Pregame”/”OWLympics”
Marshall, Sep 22, 2012
UH, Sep 29, 2012
UTSA, Oct 13, 2012 “Cthulu”
Southern Miss, Oct 27, 2012
“Interstate Research Project”
@ Tulane, Nov 3, 2012
“Going out with a Bane”
SMU, Nov 17, 2012
Armed Forces Bowl
Air Force, Dec 29, 2012
"$ECcess?" @ UT, Sep 3, 2011 "If you build it, she will come" Purdue, Sep 10, 2011 “Apocalypshow”
Memphis, Oct 8, 2011
“Football Through the Ages”
Tulsa, Oct 22, 2011
“Hot Zombie-on-Cougar Action”
@ UH, Oct 27, 2011
“Oops, I Crapped My Band (The 40th Anniversary)”
UTEP, Nov 5, 2011
“This Show is 99% Bullshit Free”
Tulane, Nov 19, 2011
“You(r’re) NUTS” UT, Sep 4, 2010 “Inception” Northwestern, Sep 18, 2010 “This Old Stadium”
Baylor, Sep 25, 2010
“BROpocalypse Now” SMU, Oct 2, 2010 “As Seen On TV” UH, Oct 16, 2010 “Alcohol, Crabs, and Segal. Oh my!” @ Tulane, Nov 13, 2010
“Arr! Here be a halftime!” East Carolina, Nov 20, 2010 “How to Train Your Vuvu”
UAB, Nov 27, 2010
“Copy Cat Commodores”
Vanderbilt, Sep 26, 2009
“Social Networking”
Tulsa, Oct 3, 2009
“Shortest Halftime Ever”
Navy, Oct 10, 2009
“Halftime: Interrupted”
UCF, Oct 24, 2009
“Geo-soap-litical”
@ SMU, Nov 7, 2009
“Rice: 3009”
Tulane, Nov 14, 2009
“Come to El Paso… Please?”
UTEP, Nov 21, 2009
“Viral Video”
@ Houston, Nov 28, 2009
“Fauxlympics”
SMU, Aug 29, 2008
“An Extended Simile”
UNT, Sep 27, 2008
“The Situation in Brief”
Southern Miss, Oct 18, 2008
“Voodoo Memories”
@ Tulane, Oct 25, 2008
“A Rice Carol”
Army, Nov 8, 2008
“Half-Baked”
Marshall, Nov 22, 2008
“Toasts and Roasts”
Houston, Nov 29, 2008
Texas Bowl
Western Michigan, Dec 30, 2008
“J. Fred Pre-game”/”Summer Recap”
Nicholls St, Sep 1, 2007
“The War in the Middle Yeast”
TTU, Sep 15, 2007
“Book ’em, Horns!”
@ Texas, Sep 22, 2007
“Donnie Didn’t Duck”
@ UH, Oct 13, 2007
“Sport Scum Olympics”
Memphis, Oct 20, 2007
“Hail Poetry”
UTEP, Nov 3, 2007
“Squirrels”
Tulane, Nov 17, 2007
“Todd Graham’s Inferno”
Tulsa, Nov 24, 2007
“Sport Marketing Show”
SMU, Sep 5, 1998
“Devil with the Purple Suit”
Northwestern, Sep 19, 1998
“Good Idea/Bad Idea”
@ Texas, Sep 26, 1998
“MS MOB 󈨦”
Tulsa, Oct 17, 1998
“Homecoming x 8”
UNLV, Nov 14, 1998
“Christmas 󈨦”
@ Air Force, Nov 21, 1998
“Ruthless People” SMU, Sep 13, 1986 “Alcohol” TSU, Sep 20, 1986 “The Oil Slump” UT, Oct 4, 1986
TTU, Oct 18, 1986 “The Immigrants” @ A&M, Oct 25, 1986 “Evolution” Baylor, Nov 15, 1986
Air Force, Nov 22, 1986 � Things” @ UH, Nov 29, 1986

Title

Wake Forest University vs. Rice

September 6, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present our completely unbiased rankings of the top five forests of all time.

Coming in dead last at number five, we have our opponent of the day, Wake Forest.

Coming in at number four, we have the Alabama football star, USA ping pong champion, and Vietnam Veteran, Forrest Gump.

As our number three, we have Mirkwood Forest, which Bilbo Baggins traversed on his way to the Lonely Mountain.

Our number two forest in the world is the amazing Amazon Rainforest. And if we want to keep it this high in the rankings we should all be making an effort to save it.

And at number one in our completely unbiased forest ranking, we have the Rice University campus, which we consider a forest since, as any tour guide would tell you, it has more trees than undergraduates.

The “KISS” Show

Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: You wanted the best, you got the best. Presenting their KISS show, the Hottest Scatterband in the Land, The MOB!
Formation: K I S S
Music: Detroit Rock City
Announcer: After 46 years of rock and rolling all night, and partying every day, KISS is finally going on their last tour, perhaps a few decades late. Known for their loud music and crazy pyrotechnics, KISS could wake any place up… except sleepy North Carolina.
Formation: Z z z
Music: Rock and Roll All Night
Action: 30-yard tongue comes out from large Gene Simmons face
Announcer: While KISS liked to play with fire, fire can also have negative consequences. We’d like to turn your attention to the current situation in the Amazon. We encourage you to educate yourself with reputable news sources and do whatever you can to help, and show it some love. Because of the two forests that are hot flaming disasters, only one matters, and it’s not Wake Forest.
Formation: Branch with leaves
Music: I Was Made for Loving You
Action: Leaves of branch shrivel up, while Gene Simmons’ tongue chases and catches a Wake Forest football player
Announcer: As our show reaches the End of its Road, we’d like to list a few things we’ve learned from doing a halftime show about KISS. Pyrotechnics are fun if you don’t burn any trees down, it’s okay to party until you’re 70 if you’re making money off it, and there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to have a tongue as long as Gene Simmons.
Music: Fight Song
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We’d like to thank you for coming out today. We don’t usually play on Fridays so we don’t know what we’ll be doing tonight, so if you have any ideas just tweet us @ricemob.

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

September 14, 2019 NRG Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to NRG. U.S. News recently released this year’s college rankings. For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present our completely unbiased rankings of the top five universities in Texas.

At number five, we have Baylor University. The Bears are the oldest university in Texas. We decided to include them exclusively out of pity for their location in Waco.

Next we have the University of Houston. The Rice Owls and the Cougars have a long, hard-fought history in football. Sometimes they’d win, other times we’d really come close. Sharing the best city in Texas with us clocks them in at number four.

Next is Texas A&M. As the victims of one of our most controversial shows of all time, they land at number three, despite the Aggies best efforts to be ranked lower.

At last, number two, the University of Texas… San Antonio. We congratulate the Roadrunners for being our Texas runner-ups. We’d also like to give UT Austin an honorable mention, but we think you get enough attention already.

And at number one in our completely unbiased ranking of Texas Universities, we have the one and only Rice University! You can check any ranking, the owls are still, and will always be, indisputably the best.

“Texas is Back! to the Future”

Announcer: In the spirit of “keeping Austin weird,” today you get to witness the weirdest band in the nation, presenting their “Back to the Future” show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Texas fans, do you wish Texas football would finally be back? Well, today is your lucky day, because today we’re taking you back in time, to a year when we all thought Colt McCoy would actually be good.
Formation: “Back to the Future” arrow
Music: Johnny B. Goode
Action: Delorean drives around field
Announcer: We’ve travelled back nine years to 2010, the last time Texas played in a National Championship. Things were a little different then: our president didn’t want to nuke a hurricane, and Matthew McConaughey was still an actor, not a wannabe professor.
Formation: 2 0 1 0
Music: School’s Out
Action: Delorean keeps driving. Vroom vroom.
Announcer: Let’s go back to the future, to the year 2029. Ten years from now, things mostly stay the same:
  • Baylor will be in another scandal,
  • The Aggies will still be too scared to play the Longhorns,

Baylor University vs. Rice

September 21, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present to you our rankings of the top five things to do in Waco.

Starting at number five, we have go to Dallas. Dallas is home to a Six Flags and Houston’s least favorite football team.

Coming in at number four, you can go to Austin! The Texas Capitol is obviously worth visiting while you’re vacationing in the luxurious city of Waco.

At number three, we have go to San Antonio. Stroll through the riverwalk, and level up your Texas pride as you do your best to remember the Alamo.

At number two, visit the Dr. Pepper Museum. Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco, and what better way to commemorate that than to give it a whole museum.

And the number one activity in Waco… go to Houston! If you’re only three hours away from the greatest city in Texas, you might as well come for a visit.

“Star Bears”

Announcer: A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, a band in Houston decided they preferred jokes and satire over mindless marching. Presenting their “Star Wars” show, it’s The MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: It is a period of Texas war. Rebels strive for their first victory against the evil Baylor administration. Our spies stole the plans to Darth Baylor’s ultimate weapon: a Death Bear with just enough power to destroy a UTSA football team.
Formation: Death Bear
Music: Imperial March
Action: A green laser beam shoots out of the death bear
Announcer: Recently, Darth Baylor released some questionable statements that disturbed a significant part of the galaxy. We tried to get help from once Texas legend Obe-vo Kenobi, but he and the force at UT vanished ten years ago, and still aren’t back. We’ll have to deal with this our own way. And the best way to solve any problem with a bear is to poke it… with a lightsaber.
Formation: Angry longhorn head
Music: Duel of the Fates
Action: A MOBster has a lightsaber duel with Darth Baylor and defeats him
Announcer: The war is over! People across the nation celebrated the surrender of Darth Baylor as once-marginalized students found their places in second homes, like Rice, where we believe in supporting all our outstanding students, even those who like the Star Wars prequels.
Formation: P r i d e
Music: YMCA
Action: About 70 pride flags, carried by Rice and Baylor students and alumni, rush onto the field from the tunnel, form the “i” in “Pride” and scatter around the field
Announcer: Thank you to all the awesome volunteers who helped us celebrate the diversity found on our campuses! Without your generous donations and selfless effort, all of this would not be possible. Baylor, we urge you to reconsider your policy and support all your amazing students. May the Force be with you. Good Night!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Thanks for watching. Spread love, not hate.
Epilogue: This show felt good. Baylor fans weren’t too happy we were calling their admin out like that, but it was important to call attention to the issue. We coordinated with Baylor’s Gamma Alpha Upsilon group and Rice students to get volunteers to carry Pride flags onto the field, many of which were donated to us. https://www.ricethresher.org/article/2019/09/mob-lets-pride-fly-in-baylor-halftime-show https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/education/article/Rice-band-half-time-show-in-solidarity-with-14458563.php

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

September 28, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

It is Families’ Weekend, so for today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present the top five things your children are definitely not doing in college.

At number five, your children are definitely not eating servery pizza every day for lunch and dinner.

At number four, your good Rice student is absolutely not in any way, shape, or form waiting the whole semester to wash their sheets.

Number three. Your wonderful child has not touched a single drop of alcohol. Especially not on Thursday Pub nights.

Number two. They are absolutely not using their Rice-given HBO subscription to binge-watch Game of Thrones again instead of studying.

And number one. Your amazing students are definitely not sleeping through their 8 AMs, or their 9 AMs. Or their 1 PMs. But your children are attending Rice, so that should make up for what they’re not doing.

“The Non-Newsworthy Karaoke Show”

Announcer: After making our mark on the media for the last two weeks, today we’ve decided to take it down a notch for Families’ Weekend. Presenting our karaoke show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Today’s show will include some of the most overplayed songs of all time, starting with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” If you’ve ever been to a karaoke night, you’ve probably heard someone sing this song, and you’ve probably also hoped they would stop. If you know the lyrics, and you probably do, we invite you to sing along!
Formation: Guitar
Music: Livin’ on a Prayer
Announcer: Somebody once told me the next song we’d be playing is “All Star,” which a lot of the millennials in this stadium should be familiar with. This song gained most of its popularity from its use in the 2001 movie Shrek. This is fitting because Shrek, like the people of Houston, lives in a swamp.
Formation: Treble clef and key signature
Music: All Star
Announcer: If you haven’t sung your heart out just yet, we’re giving you one more chance to do so with “Sweet Caroline.” You may have heard this song in commercials, movies, or just about every sporting event you’ve ever gone to. LA Tech fans, we especially want you to sing so you can try to gorget the fact that you live in Louisiana.
Formation: Piano
Music: Sweet Caroline
Action: LA Tech Band enters from rear sideline to sing along
Announcer: We would like to thank the Louisiana Tech Band of Pride for joining us on the field today. We’d also like to thank all the families that came to visit this weekend. We hope you all had some fun singing along with us today. Bonus points to whoever can sing along with this next one!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Parents here today, we hope you got a good dose of bonding time with your child. Hopefully it was enough to forgive them for skipping half their classes and not being pre-med anymore. Have a great rest of the weekend. Goodnight!

Bonus…

University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

October 26, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

Halloween is coming soon, so for today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present the top five scariest things we can think of.

Starting with number five Mississippi. Getting stuck on the elevator of Sid Richardson College.

Number four Mississippi. Receiving an email with the subject line “Concerning Your Attendance Grade.”

Number three Mississippi. Leaving our rooms and hearing the door slam behind us as we realize we forgot our keys.

Number two Mississippi. Watching a certain baseball team from DC give our Astros trouble. Few things are spookier than a professional team with the Walgreens logo.

And number one Mississippi. The scariest thing we could think of is having to wake up early because today’s game starts at noon.

The Spooky Scary Show

Announcer: Today we would like to invite you to experience the average Rice student’s Halloween. Presenting our spooookiest show of the year, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Our shocking story begins! You wake up in the scariest place of all, from which citizens have fled in droves, leaving behind a ghost town of unclaimed beds… Hanszen College! But today, something seems off. Suddenly it hits you… The beds…are not empty! [Ed.&mdashrelevant Thresher article]
Formation: B O O
Music: Welcome to the Jungle
Announcer: You have safely escaped from the spirits in Hanszen only to find it’s now 30 degrees colder and campus is flooded. Houston weather is more unpredictable than other terrifying villains like Freddy Krueger, the Joker, or most of the Presidential candidates.
Formation: Pumpkin
Music: Evil Ways
Announcer: At the end of this bone-chilling day you must decide if you will go to Baker 13 or do your homework. We are giving you one minute to text “yes” or “no” to 1-800-BAKER13. [5 second pause] Time’s up! twelve thousand people voted yes. Thank you for making poor life decisions!
Formation: A + transitions to F –
Music: Because It’s Midnite
Announcer: Congratulations! You’ve made it through Halloween alive! After braving the college crypt, enduring unearthly weather, and sacrificing your GPA to the devil of Baker College, you must come face to face with the most horrifying thing of all: early Christmas decorations.
MOB: Shrieks at the mention of Christmas decorations
Formation: Christmas tree
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We hope you enjoy your Halloween. Remember, you can never be too old to go trick-or-treating. Happy Halloween!

Marshall University vs. Rice

November 2, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

Ladies and Gentlement and also Alumni, welcome to Rice Stadium. It’s been ten years since the establishment of the latest residential colleges and we believe it’s time for the twelfth. For today’s pregame entertainment, we present our top five choices for the next residential college.

Number five, the class of 23’s own creation, McPlunkett.

At number four, we have the Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen. Although the might have an unfair advantage with the Beer Bike builds.

Clocking in at number three, we have our beloved Coffeehouse. That homey coffee smell makes it just as comforting as any college commons.

At number two, we have Fondren Library. Throughout the year, several students sleep here more often than they do at their own colleges, making it a logical choice.

And at number one, we the MOB believe that we should be officially declared our own residential college, and will be making this request as soon as this game is over.

The 2019 Homecoming Show

Announcer: Welcome back, Rice Alumni! You already know who we are but we’re gonna tell you anyway. Celebrating the 100th anniversary of our first homecoming, it’s your favorite non-marching band, the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: John F. Kennedy once asked, “Why does Rice play Texas?” Our answer? Because we can beat them in volleyball. This season our volleyball team stunned number three Texas in a five set thriller and are now ranked eighteenth in the nation. Coincidentally, eighteen is also the number of construction sites on campus.
Formation: 3 – 2 (the score of the Texas game)
Music: Eye of the Tiger
Announcer: After some rule adjustments, Baker 13 defenses were reallowed just in time for Halloween and basketball season. Thanks to a tremendous defense, last year our Women’s Basketball team swept Conference USA, winning a record 28 games and finishing the season ranked 24th in the nation. Few things bring Rice together like good defenses and streaking!
Formation: Basketball hoop
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2
Action: Oversize basketball prop goes through hoop.
Announcer: To wrap up our show, we will present a quick list of non sports-related Rice updates for all the old folks in the crowd:

University of North Texas vs. Rice

November 23, 2019 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Pregame Top 5

In honor of our friends at North Texas, today we present our top five favorite cardinal directions.

Starting with number five, the East.

At number four despite some issues like California and El Paso, we have the West.

At number three, we have, yet again, the East. Our reasoning? The East of Texas has Houston, while the North of Texas does not.

Coming in at number two, you guessed it, it’s not the North. It’s the West again. Congrats to the West on also earning two spots.

And at number one, we have the South. We realize we’re a little biased, but we don’t care. We’re the Blues Band of South Main.

Scooby Doo Meets Santana: The Texas Theft

Announcer: For the last 50 years, Scooby Doo has teamed up with several unlikely allies like Batman, John Cena… and Kiss? Today we are adding to the crazy mix. Presenting our Scooby Doo Santana show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: After centuries of saying come and take it, someone came and took it. The state of Texas has been stolen. Our mystery gang needs to find the culprit, so we’re partnering up with Sammy the Owl and Sammy’s loyal pet, the UNT mascot Scrappy Doo Eagle, to find out who stole our precious state.
MOB: “Relp!”
Formation: r e l p
Music: Evil Ways
Announcer: Our mystery gang has narrowed it down to the following suspects:
  • Louisiana Tech,
  • The state of Oklahoma,
  • and the ghost of Mexican general Santa Anna.

Pregame 2019

This is the format of the MOB’s 2019 pregame show. For countdown items, see individual games’ scripts.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice (Women’s Basketball)

March 5, 2020 Autry Court &mdash Houston, TX

The Emo Show

Music: Welcome to the Black Parade
Announcer: [over music] When I was a young boy, my father took me to a basketball game to see a marching band. But the band didn’t march. Presenting our emo show, it’s the MOB!
Action: Enter from Rice bench corner in parade formation
Announcer: [over music] It’s been 40 years since the MOB last had a basketball halftime show. Back then we didn’t have Hawaiian shirts, and UTEP was still good at basketball. But we’re back because we’re Irresistible.
Formation: Smiley face
Music: [straight into] Irresistible
Action: Smiley face turns to frowny face during quiet part of music
Announcer: For Rice students, Panic! at the Disco is a band they like during their emo phase. For Rice alumni, panic at the disco is what happened when the DJ didn’t play the Bee Gees. For UTEP fans, there is no disco. Just panic at the thought of driving 11 hours just to lose to Rice.
Formation: V
Music: Victorious
Announcer: Finally, we’ll be playing the MOB’s theme song, Louie, Louie, written by Richard Berry in 1955. If you’re old enough to remember our last basketball show, you know we played it then too.
Formation: R
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We hope you enjoy the rest of the game. Make sure to follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and all that fun stuff so you can keep up with us at next week’s C-USA tournament. Have a good night!

Prairie View A&M University vs. Rice

August 25, 2018 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“What a Year It Has Been”

Announcer: Welcome back to campus, everyone. Much has happened since last football season, in particular the appointment of a new head football coach. The MOB welcomes Coach Bloomgren as we perform our traditional “Salute to the New Head Coach.”
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Thanks to our new coach, Rice is starting more construction. The new social sciences building takes away yet another intramural field and gives Rice students yet another reason to play video games instead of actual sports.
Formation: Two lines that turn into a brick
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2
Action: Two students play soccer. When the formation shifts, they run off the field and grab game controllers.
Announcer: With that new social sciences building comes a new Dean of Undergraduates, who just happens to be a sociology professor. On the bright side, at least people will actually know we have social sciences.
Formation: Sun
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: Almost two weeks ago, new students arrived on campus with pure hearts and big ambitions. By now, that has changed to pure fear of the huge membership they found when exposed to… Baker Thirteen!
Formation: Smiley face that turns into the tongue out emoji
Music: School’s Out
Action: Baker 13 runners run after a student studying. The eyes get bigger as this happen, and the pupils follow the runners.
Announcer: There are many things coming to Rice for the first time. Whether it’s a new coach, new building, or new dean, one thing about Rice will never change &mdash Rice fight never dies!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Houston vs. Rice

September 1, 2018 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“Get Out of My Swamp”

Action: MOB enters from endzone
Formation: Disney logo D
Announcer: Today, the MOB presents a salute to the creative and wholesome family entertainment of Walt Disney!
Music: Solo trumpet, When You Wish Upon a Star, which is interrupted by
Loudspeaker: [from Shrek] “What are you doing in my swamp??”
Action: Shrek enters field in a shack, emerges during the loudspeaker line, then chases MOBsters into next formation.
Announcer: Our hero is in danger! Lord Leebron wants Shrek to get the magical Bayou Bucket, or he’ll burn down the swamp! He and Donkey search everywhere. An ogre may not be wholesome, but he will defend his swamp!
Formation: Football
Music: All Star
Action: Shrek and Donkey search the field for the Bayou Bucket, including inside various instruments.
Announcer: They came across an enchanted castle. Perhaps the Bucket is inside, guarded by an old, red scaly beast, yearning for love and affection &mdash you know, a Cougar. But first, it’s time to get rid of that annoying ass!
Formation: Sammy (the “my” is on posterboard)
Music: I’m a Believer
Announcer: Shrek didn’t find the bucket, but he did marry the Princess Sammy. The cougar hooked up with Donkey… and we’re still waiting to see if anyone drains the swamp.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all, Shrek and Sammy hand-in-hand
Announcer: The moral of the story is this: universities are like onions &mdash they make people cry.

University of Texas at San Antonio vs. Rice

October 6, 2018 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Pink Floyd Show” Show

Action: MOB enters from sideline
Announcer: National Geographic presents: a dramatization of now ancient and primitive Houstonian behavior. It happened long ago &ndash in Rice Stadium &ndash in 1994.
Formation: Square (with Nat Geo logo on posterboard at bottom)
Music: National Geographic Intro
Videoboard:
Announcer: (Over music) They called it a “concert,” and it was led by the enigmatic and unknown “Pink Floyd.” Join us now, “Have a Cigar,” be “Careful with that Axe, Eugene,” and explore the “Dark Side of the Moon.”
Music: Brain Damage
Action: Nat Geo logo is replaced by “Pink Floyd” and “Dark Side of the Moon”
Announcer: (During music vamp) In John F. Kennedy’s lesser-known “Dark Side of the Moon” speech, he said, “Pink Floyd chose to go to Rice Stadium and do the other things, not because they were easy, but because they would sell tickets!”
Formation: Triangle
Music: Eclipse
Videoboard:
Action: Banners are unrolled from the sides of the triangle to create the Dark Side of the Moon album cover
Announcer: Everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank our guest bands today: Bravo School of Music, under the direction of Debbie Swindler The Village School, under the direction of Jennifer Siler and of course, The MOB &mdash Rice University’s Marching Owl Band!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: There is no dark side of the moon, really. Matter of fact, it’s all dark.

University of Alabama at Birmingham vs. Rice

October 13, 2018 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Blasting Off” Show

Announcer: Greetings, Earth-parents. Welcome to your child’s five-year mission: to explore new majors, to graduate with a GPA higher than their blood alcohol content, and to boldly go where no student has gone before… beyond the hedges.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: If your child is bold enough, she can venture far beyond the hedges: into spaaaaace &mdash by joining the United States Space Force. Why risk blowing an internship, when you can blast off on a rocketship?
Formation: Star
Music: Vehicle
Action: Someone runs around the field with a cardboard rocket
Announcer: Pentagon(al) officials recently announced the first big mission: a journey to the surface of the Sun! If you’re concerned about the hear, don’t worry! They plan on going at night.
Formation: the Sun, an even better star
Music: Walking on the Sun
Action: In the middle of the formation is a sign that says “Surface of the Sun” with a Google Maps pinpoint next to it
Video board:
Announcer: Every military branch needs a song describing its goals and values. We thought long and hard, and the MOB finally settled on the perfect song… Because we all know that most startups don’t last long.
Formation: SF that changes to $F
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: Someone with a giant money bag goes around collecting money from the MOB
Announcer: We would like to thank our parents for coming to Rice during the middle of midterms and interrupting our studies! Don’t worry, we are doing well enough to join the Space Force. After all, it’s not rocket surgery!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

November 3, 2018 &mdash Homecoming Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Politics Is a No-No” Show

Rice vs. Louisiana Tech University

November 10, 2018 Joe Aillet Stadium &mdash Ruston, LA

The “Tech Savvy” Show

Announcer: Do you remember the good old days of video games? When spending tim on your Nintendo Color was the best thing you could do? Yeah, we don’t either. That’s why the MOB invites you to watch this tribute to the Tech of days past.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: We start off with the original video game, Pong. Like Louisiana, Pong has a long history of being boring. Video game creators quickly worked to develop a new, better game, just like the United States of America worked to make a better state like Texas.
Formation: Pong screen
Music: Beer Barrel Polka
Action: MOBsters play pong, with two sections as paddles and one person as the ball. The ball yawns.
Announcer: Finally, a fighting game that teaches you right from wrong: Moral Kombat&trade. When you do not know which death animation is the ethically correct choice, learn your way through the world with horror, fantasy, and complex fighting mechanics. Make sure you give your immoral side a fatality.
Formation: Stick Figure
Music: Mortal Kombat
Action: During music, stick figure moves into a high kick
Announcer: And last but not least, the MOB’s favorite video game, Snake! It has taught us a few good life lessons: be careful how much you take on so you don’t overextend yourself &mdash if you’re not careful, you might just bite yourself in the… butt. And to keep track of how long your snake is, make sure you use meters, since snakes don’t have any feet!
Formation: P L A Y
Music: Only the Good Die Young
Announcer: As you can tell, our favorite Tech will always be video games. Some of us even enjoy that thing called… Fork… Knife? Who knows.
Music: Louie, Louie [intro]
Action: MOB abruptly stops playing and runs off the field

Old Dominion University vs. Rice

November 24, 2018 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Star” Show

Rice vs. University of Houston

September 16, 2017 TDECU Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

Result: L 3&mdash38 This script was never performed due to flooding from Hurricane Harvey. The MOB and UH band instead performed a joint halftime show.

Announcer: Crikey mate! Rice is back from down under, and the MOB is here to kick some brass!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Since we last saw you, U of H, our world has changed quite a bit. In the last four years, there was a presidential election, SpaceX began threatening NASA’s job, and we’re still desperately clinging to the eleven wins we have against you in the past 46 years.
Formation: XI
Music: Time Warp
Action: Time Warp dance
Announcer: Although our “rivalry” has existed for years and years, it appears that we’ve become less of rivals, and more of crosstown neighbors. Maybe now we can use the Bayou Bucket to bail each others’ campuses out!
Formation: Raindrop into heart
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Action: Clap aggressively
Announcer: We’ll see you next year, U of H, nd we’ll still be clinging to our eleven win record. Some things never change!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Florida International University vs. Rice

September 23, 2017 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“The ‘Get Off My Lawn’ Show”

Announcer: The MOB is pleased to welcome our football team back from the Land Down Under! Let’s see what they’ve got against a team from America’s land down there.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Rice fans, did you notice anything? Sammy looks a bit different. That’s right, there’s a new Sammy in town, and our former mascot retired to none other than sunny Florida!
Formation: Sun
Music: Walkin’ on the Sun
Action: The Sun’s smile turns into a straight line
Announcer: When old Sammy arrived at his new home, he was surprised to find other Rice relics already in residence &mdash such as the title “Master,” Rice Business, Rice Business Wisdom, and West Lot One!
Formation: Parking space
Music: Vehicle
Announcer: After a wave of nostalgia, the retired Rice icons tried instituting some of Rice’s better known features, like a strange affection for boba tea, and an ungodly number of squirrels. None of these worked in a retirement community. Baker 13 was a real flop! It’s fallen, and it can’t get up.
Formation: 13
Music: Stripper
Announcer: We received a note from old Sammy, addressed to his Floridian neighbors at F-I-U. It says: “Get off my lawn!”
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: MOB shakes fists. Exeunt all

Army West Point vs. Rice

October 7, 2017 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Black Knight” Show

Announcer: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Who cares, we’re the Owls!
Music: Monty Python fanfare
Action: MOB rides horses onto field à la Monty Python, yelling “Ni!”
Announcer: Here in the Kingdom of Houstonia, we are pleased to welcome the coconut-horse riding warriors from Army. We’re also delighted you came to us, instead of the other way around. As it’s often said, “Let’s not go to West Point ’tis a silly place!”
Formation: Crown
Music: Land of 1000 Dances
Announcer: Forever on a quest for a better image, West Point’s new crest depicts the black knight stabbed through the head. Maybe rice should do the same thing to Sammy? We’d have to rename him “Stabby the Owl.”
Formation: Shield
Music: Back in Black
Video Board:
Announcer: Stop!
MOB: Stops running
Announcer: Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these problem sets three, ere the other side he or she see. What is your name?
MOB: “Rice!”
Announcer:: What is your quest?
MOB:: “To graduate!”
Announcer: What is your favorite color?
MOB: Half yell “blue,” the other half “gray.” Look around at each other and yell while falling down.
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: But seriously folks, midterm season is upon us. So as Rice students forsake their rest to finish problem sets due Wednesday, just remember: even when Coffeehouse is closed, ’tis but a scratch. We’re not dead yet!
Formation: Coffee Cup
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. University of Texas at San Antonio

October 21, 2017 Alamodome &mdash San Antonio, TX

Result: L 7&mdash20 This script was never performed.

The “Let’s Mess with Texas” Show

Announcer: Y’all know what time it is: time to grab out ten gallon hats and spurs, time to remember the Alamo and say “Howdy” to San Antonio: that’s right, the MOB’s here, and we’re ready to take on Texas!
MOB: “Go Rice! Yeehaw!”
Announcer: Here in Texas, we take pride in our state. As all y’all know, everything’s bigger in Texas, from our sprawling cities to our extra-high speed limits to our overall surface area. If you add up the square mileage of the state and every pickup bed in Texas, we would finally be bigger than Alaska!
Formation: Heart
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Announcer: Way back when Texas was just a lil’ baby territory of Meh-he-co, we reckoned that we was all growed up and independent. After a big to-do with Santa Anna, we struck out on our own… and immediately went to live with our big ol’ neighbor, the You-nited States
Formation: Star
Music: Rawhide
Video Board: Unfaithful boyfriend meme featuring Texas, Mexico, and the United States
Announcer: Our Texas blood runs red, and we are always prepared to fight for what’s right. We’re also stubborn enough to occupy the Alamo during a thirteen day siege before finally losing. But it was worth it! Tourists now remember this serious part of our history by buying a nifty plastic snowglobe!
Formation: The Alamo
Music: Victorious
Announcer: Too soon? Well, the MOB’s had a mighty fine time, but it’s time for this tumbleweed to tumble on home to Houston.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all.

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

October 28, 2017 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

The “Banned Day” Show

Announcer: It was fifty years ago this year that Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play &mdash The Beatles released “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and changed recording history forever! When this album debuted, tuition was twelve hundred dollars, Martel wasn’t a college, and Hanszen still sucked.
Formation: Heart/Concert arcs
Music: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band(s)
Announcer: [over end of music] I don’t really want to stop the show, But I thought you might like to know, That the singer’s going to sing a song, And he wants you all to sing along. So may I introduce to you, The act you’ve known for all these years, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!
Music: End of Sergeant Pepper/With a Little Help from My Friends
Action: LA Tech joins, Band parts, sousaphones and percussion move forward
Video Board: Lyrics to “With a Little Help from My Friends”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our friends who gave us a little help! Director Jennifer Siler and First Baptist Academy, Director Debbie Swindler and Bravo School of Music, Director Jim Robkin and the Louisiana Tech Band of Pride!
Action: Exeunt all

University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

November 11, 2017 &mdash Homecoming Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“What’s New Pussycat”/”The Change $how”

Announcer: Rice Alumni, you’ve been gone for quite some time. The MOB would love to fill you in on all that’s happened since you suffered here at school. There are twice as many buildings, twice as many colleges, two more letters in “Master,” and two more digits in tuition!
Formation: Hour glass
Music: Time Warp
Action: Time Warp dance
Announcer: This year our beloved Astros won the World Series for the first time since their founding in 1962. That was the same year JFK gave his famous moon speech at Rice, proving that it’s easier to go to the moon than to win a World Series!
Formation:
Music: Celebration
Action: “Go ‘Stros!”
Announcer: Every year our show follows the presentation of the big checks at halftime. Tis year, the MOB would like to make its own contribution to the university. President Leebron &mdash please accept our even bigger check, of the staggering amount of four hundred and twenty (*cough*) dollars and sixty-nine (*pause*) cents, straight from the tip jar at Valhalla
Formation: Script Rice
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Bring giant check onto field
Announcer: Just remember, Rice fans, you’re never too old to stand, cheer, and drink more beer! And it’s time for us to get of your lawn!
Action: Exeunt all

University of North Texas vs. Rice

November 25, 2017 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“The Little MOB That Could”

Announcer: Happy Thanksgiving weekend, Rice fans! Now that you’ve arisen from your food comas, the Marching Owl Band would like to tell you what we’re thankful for!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: This year, the MOB is thankful for the little things: the way the trees sway in the quad, the way Keck smells after a damp rain, and the firmness of President Leebron’s handshakes!
Formation: A line
Music: Tag 63
Announcer: What other little things are you thankful for, Rice fans? How about our own little Rice community? Things like the little amount of mercy our professors show us, the little student section here today, and what little sleep we get? [pause] That adds up to a big existential crisis!
Formation: A circle
Music: Tag 62
Formation: A square
Announcer: It’s clear that the best things in life are not all about size: even the MOB is looking a little small today, but we prefer to think of ourselves as “fun-sized.”
Formation: A small clump
Music: Tag 69
Announcer: Thanks for joining us, Rice fans! We hope we’ve helped you be thankful for some of the little things in life, and we hope you finished your Christmas shopping yesterday! If not, here’s a two for one!
Action: MOB resets to beginning of show, begins to play again. Pauses after first Tag, exeunt all
Music: Louie, Louie

Baylor University vs. Rice

September 16, 2016 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“The Title (is) Nine”

Fozzie’s jokes, like some of our own, don’t always go over as well as he’d like. In fact, we believe Fozzie has made the most unbearable punchlines ever!

The Number of the Day is nine, since nine is the number of justices on the Supreme Court.

Now for our featured quote of the day, by famous Clinton prosecutor and former Baylor president Ken Starr, who said:

Today’s show is brought to you by the number nine, and the letter “N.” That’s “n” as in:

Nanotechnology, invented at Rice Neurobiology, the stuff of pre-meds, and “Knnnnowledge,” if you were educated in Waco.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. After today’s football game, you’re invited to visit the south end of Rice Stadium for a sneak peek at the MOB’s new band hall! Come see where we call home, along with the other Rice bands.

University of North Texas vs. Rice

September 24, 2016 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“The MOB Drinks to Forget”

Announcer: The MOB welcomes every beer drinker and wine lover. Today we celebrate ethanol being available throughout the stadium. So please, stand cheer, drink more beer!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: As an organization with a history of avid, yet entirely responsible drinking, we know a thing or two about alcohol. But the MOB is also a service organization, so head over to Valhalla to get served by our very own director, Chuck!
Formation: Beer stein
Music: Hey Bartender
Action: Wave at Chuck because he is the bartender! Chuck cards an SA before pouring him a drink.
Formation: Rice R
Announcer: Here at Rice Stadium the “R” Room is full of alcohol, rich donors, and money. If you ask us, we should change it into a public bar which will actually make money and let the alcohol trickle down!
Formation: $
Music: Mony Mony
Announcer: Previously, alcohol was only allowed on the upper tiers of Rice stadium… Because what could possibly go wrong when drunk people stand at high elevations?
Formation:
Music Beer Barrel Polka
Announcer: We understand UNT recently began allowing beer into certain parts of their stadium. We are surprised they didn’t do it earlier, considering they only have six wins since 2014.
Music: Louie, Louie (5, 6, 7, 8 !)
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 Rice University Marching Owl Band! The MOB is neither the cause nor the solution to life’s problems.

University of Texas at San Antonio

October 15, 2016 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“We R Family”

Announcer: The MOB welcomes all who strive to be better than their older siblings! Welcome to Family’s Weekend!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: UTSA is well-known for being a sister school to UT Austin &mdash and our favorite one at that. Every year, students at UTSA compete with other sister schools for a spot in UT Austin. As an only child, at Rice we’re fortunate to not have to deal with seven different siblings.
Formation: U T
Music: We Are Family
Action: Hold up sign that says “SA”
Announcer: According to match.com, San Antonio is the second happiest city in the country. This must be due to UTSA’s great dental school affixing smiles on any frowny faces.
Formation: Frowny face &rarr Smiley face
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: For those who don’t know, UTSA has many fun activities nearby! Across the highway, students can unwind at Six Flags! If they are especially high achieving, they could even drop off a job application.
Formation: A line
Music: Celebration
Action: SAs bring a “ride” from Six Flags, people in the front ride it
Announcer: UTSA has an issue with retaining students who are speeding away. Just like Wile E. Coyote, the UTSA administration is forever chasing after their Roadrunners. Beep beep!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Prairie View A&M University vs. Rice

October 22, 2016 &mdash Homecoming Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“Flash* MOB”

Rice has a history of great dance parties, but many students were unsure of which direction was forward and thus the Moonwalk was born.

Rice vs. Louisiana Tech University

October 28, 2016 Joe Aillet Stadium &mdash Ruston, LA

“Spoopy Places”

The skeletons put down their trombones The black cats went back to their witches Werewolves howled with grief And we sighed in relief ‘Cause we defeated those sons of…

Florida Atlantic University vs. Rice

November 5, 2016 Rice Stadium %mdash Houston, TX

“Owl-ection Show Time”

Announcer: Today we welcome our fellow Owls from Florida Atlantic. In order to not sway voters, the MOB will be using fake names in our show today.
MOB: “Woo”
Announcer: Billary Hinton” has been called a crook, or in other words, a politician. The MOB would like to remind people of the real villain of student government: the IRS, or the Indifferent Rabble of Students.
Formation: IRS
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: IRS-Screw held by an inmate
Announcer: Russia recently hacked the MOB email server. They discovered our secret algorithm for encrypting names. Fortunately, “Layvid Deebron’s”IT staff is working on a solution.
Formation:
Music: Back in the USSR
Announcer: Tronald Dump” University is viewed by many as a money-stealing scam. Dump himself claims that this football game is rigged against the Owls. But if you elect the MOB for another halftime show, we promise to make Rice great again!
Formation: TU
Music: Another Brick in the Wall
Announcer: The MOB reminds you that lines for Tuesday’s vote will be longer than usual. Talk to your doctor if you experience an election lasting more than four hours.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Video Board: Credits: Directed by Thuck Crockmorton, Drum major: Spike Jasak, drum minor: Monnie Biller, Executive Producer: Grandrew Aham
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 Rice University Marching Owl Band! This is your announcer, Chad, and I’ll be hanging out at the polls on Tuesday. I hope to see you, too.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

November 19, 2016 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“Minor Thoughts”

Announcer: Today the MOB would like to take you on a journey through the minds of Rice students. You think we’re stressed now? This isn’t even our finals form!
MOB: “Woooooo”
Announcer: Currently our thoughts our filled with visions of turkeys and midterms. Little do our students know that school is out in less that three weeks. After that, many students struggle during winter break after quitting midterms “cold turkey.”
Formation:
Music: School’s Out
Announcer: Inevitably, students will realize that after Thanksgiving is Dead Days. We have a few final things to do before school ends. We’ll curse ourselves for forgetting our tests and proceed to bury ourselves in “Club Fondren.”
Formation: A+
Music: Won’t Get Fooled Again
Video Board:
Announcer: Today we welcome some local minors from high school. Let’s get together like true Texans, and show the rest of the country how to party like it’s 1836!
Formation: 1836
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Action: Attempt to not scare the children, clap aggressively during certain parts of the song
Announcer: A big thank you to our visiting bands: The Village School Carillo Elementary School and the Bravo School of Music
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

Kyle Field &mdash College Station, TXAugust 31, 2013

The MOB attended this game in the capacity of a “pep” band to support the Rice Owls. However, due to administrative decisions, there was no on-field performance.

Despite being restricted to the stands, an inexplicable supply of Johnny Manziel memorabilia and autographs from eBay allowed us to outfit the entire ensemble in “signed” T-shirts to support the famed quarterback’s severe, half-game suspension.

University of Kansas vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 14, 2013

“Vortex of Boredom”

Emergency Alert System

The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunder thighs warning for: Douglas, Mack, Donalds, and Harris counties.

At 7:25 PM, radar detected a large vortex of boredom moving south from Lawrence, Kansas. This low pressure system is known to suck (wind).

Rice fans should stand, cheer, and drink more beer.

Wherefore art thou?

Shall I compare thee to North Dakota?
Thou art at least as flat, and just as vacant.
The color of thy fields is that of dust,
And thy tractor is covered in rust.
And thy-

Oh, what the hell &mdash you manage to sound less interesting than west Texas.

Everyone’s Born, or No One’s Excited

Oh my, they do say everything’s bigger in Texas.

But now, a tribute to great names in Kansas history:
– Dorothy Gale, explorer and resident of Oz
– Sam and Dean Winchester, of TV’s Supernatural
– and most famous of all: Superman.

Wait. Are one of these real? Yes, the only famous people to come out of Kansas are all fictional. Just like the mythical “Jayhawk.”

Funny, if it weren’t so sad

But you know, Kansas, we do feel bad for you.

Your coach must not have a brain, since he publicly called his own team &mdash what was it?…

Oh yes. A pile. Of crap [pronounced like: crop].

Time to get out of Dodge, KS

Here’s a fun fact: It has bee scientifically proven that Kansas is, in fact, flatter than a pancake.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

[wait for the last few bars of Louie]

Please direct your attention to the field for a special presentation.

Heroes’ Day Special

[over music] Ladies and gentlemen, Wednesday marked the twelfth anniversary of the 2001 September eleventh attacks. The images, emotions, and the victims of that day will never be forgotten. The very freedoms we enjoy as Americans came under attack, but the resolve of our country remained strong. It was the immediate reaction and response of the American people that unified the country.

Emergency responders, military service-men and -women, police and fire departments, and countless others selflessly answered the call. It is because of this heroism that we are honored to designate tonight’s game as Heroes’ Night.

We salute all of the local heroes around the nation that protect their communities, day in and day out. And now, let us stand as one nation, united, as we honor our heroes and their families.

To all that serve and risk their lives for their fellow citizens, we cannot thank you enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, the second half of today’s game will begin in ____ minutes.

Rice vs. University of Houston

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 21, 2013

“Codependent, Much?”

Enzyte Shills

This is Shasta. Shasta’s stadium wasn’t big enough to satisfy her. But she’s been giving it once-daily doses of natural stadium enhancement, everything is juuuuust fine.

Warning: side effects may include overcrowding and shortness of parking. Results are not guaranteed to be impressive. Since your stadium only holds forty thousand seats, Rice Stadium is still bigger.

End the Codependency

Listen, Shasta. It’s time we had a face-to-face.

It’s over for real this time. I don’t care how much you try to change it’s never going to work out between us. I won’t shed a TIER, not ONE. I’ve had it up to here with your shocking hand gesture, and I’ve come back for one thing:

Here’s your stupid Taylor Swift CD, now give me back my Bucket.

The Big Least

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band.

If co-dependency is a problem in your relationship, you can get help. Go to CODA.org to learn more.

Florida Atlantic University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 28, 2013

“The Snowden Job”

Suddenly, there came a tapping
Race to Russia

[after call-to-post, read in a poor imitation of Howard Cosell] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very exciting race for you today! Edward Snowden, the news media, and the US Government have all taken their places at the starting line.

[Whistle blows on field]

…and there’s the whistle blown.

Snowden’s off, with the media in close pursuit. And bringing up the rear is the government, trailing far behind in third.

Home, Sweet Intolerant Home
Moral of the Story: [REDACTED]

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band would like to remind you that October is National Cyber-Security Month.

Brought to you by the National Security Agency and its partners:
– Verizon
– Microsoft
– T-Mobile
– Google
– Viewers like you
– AT&T
– Apple
– Sprint
– Facebook
– Comp-U-Serve
– Amazon
– Bell South
– E-Bay
– PayPal
– Twitter
– Instagram
– The players and coaches of the Miami Dolphins
– Snapchat
– Hewlett-Packard
– MCI Worldcom
– Nextel
– Western Union Telegram
– Cisco
– Prodigy
– Comcast
– Skype
– Weyland Yutani
– Disney
– America On-Line
– Time Warner
– and the Jones School of Business

Rice vs. University of Texas at San Antonio

Alamodome &mdash San Antonio, TXOctober 12, 2013

“Are they making fun of us?”

Hello, San Antonio, we are The MOB. Normally we poke fun at everybody, but we want to make a good first impression so we’re not going to make fun of you.

Buuuuuut here’s what it would look like if we did…

On our best behavior

It’s a fact: UTSA’s football team leads all of college football in personal and disorderly conduct penalties per game. The MOB would like to say: challenge accepted!

[Clears throat] The trampoline used to be called the jump-oline. The your mom got on it.

Forgetfully irresponsible

But that’s just what would happen IF we were making fun of you. Since this our first trip to San Antonio, we wanted to see everything you have to offer.

We strolled the River Walk and stumbled it back. We visited Sea World, Fiesta Texas, and took a spin atop the Tower of the Americas.

All of Texas, united

Remember folks, regardless of the outcome of this game, there are some things we can all be happy about:

One, at least we aren’t in Dallas…

And two, we’re both better than El Paso!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, with drum majors Nicholas D’Ambrosio, Cassie Barrett, and Show Assistant executive producer Sarah Craig. Featuring twirler Christina Saez.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 26, 2013

“Miners University”

You saw Pixar’s summer rock-buster, “Monsters U.” Now we’ve picked our brains and dug up a real gem of a story:

It’s all down from here
Water table everywhere, not a drop to drink

Even though Mike’s grades were in the pits, he took for “granite” that he could still have a blast at frat parties. But law enforcement was hammering down on hammered minors.

Rice could teach Mike a thing or two about beer pong, if not for the administration’s relaxed alcohol policy.

Click, Click, BOOM
You should see his shaft

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 16, 2013

Pregame: Remembering Mr. Bailiff

Ladies and gentlemen, we are sad to announce that Mister Bob Bailiff, father of Rice head football coach David Bailiff, passed away early Wednesday morning.

Mister Bailiff was a veteran of the United States Army, and he is survived by: his three children, Jane, David, and Mike both a son-and daughter-in-law seven grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. Mister Bailiff was a kind, honest, and hard-working man who epitomized the definition of a great husband and a loving father. He was an inspiration to all who knew him and a hero to all who loved him.

Please bow your heads and join us now in a moment of silence in memory of Mister Bob Bailiff.

[pause, approx. 5 seconds]

And now, football fans off all ages, please stand as one nation and remove your hats as The MOB plays our national anthem.

Halftime: “Vision to ‘Let My People Go’ (or) Some Phallus-Sees”

It’s no burning bush
About (bronze) face

In the year nineteen eighty and eight, a group of daring engineers turned Willy’s statue around, one-hundred eighty degrees. We’ve all heard the official story of how they depended on A-frames, but now we know what they were really banking on…

Today we reveal their secret! Watch, and be amazed.

There’s a pill for that

Now in Rice’s second century, we continue to thrive and prosper. We will build it bigger! We will build it stronger! Our erections will blot out the sun!

There’s:
– Duncan
– McMurtry
– Brockman Hall
– The Turrell Skyspace

and we see it coming now… The GLASSCOCK SCHOOL! (of continuing studies).

Spring in your step, spark in your pants

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band!

And now for the moment you’ve been waiting for, the reason you bought your game ticket, why you flew in from out of town &mdash the results of the Student Association election for Homecoming Court!

your 2013 homecoming king is: Dean John Hutchinson, and he’s joined by the homecoming queen: “Bushy” the squirrel.

Rice vs. Tulane University

The Superdome &mdash New Orleans, LANovember 30, 2013

“How the C-USA West Was Won”

In a Bourbon Street Saloon
The Deed

But one day, Thibodeaux got roped into a scheme by the Roadrunners, an outlaw gang from San Antonio. They were after the title Sammy had earned! He caught them trying to steal the deed to the C-USA Corral.

This calls for a showdown.

Showdown

…when he saw what Sammy was packing.

[as Sammy] Take it back east, Thibodeaux. This conference ain’t big enough for the both of us!

Anti-climax

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 Rice University Marching Owl Band! Directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, with drum majors Nicholas D’Ambrosio and Cassie Barrett, and Show Assistant executive producer Sarah Craig.

The MOB welcomes your feedback on Twitter @ricemob, or e-mail [email protected]

2013 Conference USA ChampionshipMarshall University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXDecember 7, 2013

“Chamber of Commerce-ish”

Welcome to historic Rice Stadium &mdash which four out of five BCS machines agree is a perfectly adequate location for a conference championship.

The weather aside, let us give you a tour of what Houston is really like.

Suburbs and Traffic

To the west, suburbs.
To the south, suburbs.
To the north… master-planned suburbs.
All this and more you’ll find in Houston if you can navigate the traffic…

…which is packed tighter than your mom in size seven pants!

Eating Out is Fun
Fight for Rice, Rice fight on

This was the 2013 C-USA championship game between the East and West divisions for the conference title. There had been some controversy around which school would host, since Rice and Marshall were still even after the first 5-6 tie-breakers specified in the conference rules. It came down to how the term “BCS ranking” was interpreted.

Technically, the BCS only ranked the top-25 teams, in which neither Rice nor Marshall appeared, but the Conference claimed the “formula” could be extended out to cover additional teams as needed. Marshall and its fans expected its votes in the human polls to give it a de-facto higher ranking than Rice, which did not receive any votes. However, the conference office determined that the weight of the human votes did not outweigh Rice’s superior position given by the multiple computer-generated rankings.

Final score was 41-24, earning Rice its first outright conference championship since 1957. (Rice shared the Southwest Conference title in 1994.)

* The Marshall band announced it had brought just the upper-classmen of its normal, 280-member band.

2013 Liberty BowlRice vs. Mississippi State University

Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium &mdash Memphis, TNDecember 31, 2013

Liberty Bowl: Pre-Game

The Marching Owl Band is directed by Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by Drum Major Nicolas D’Ambrosio, drum minor Cassie Barrett, and Show Assistant executive producer Sarah Craig.

Thank you, and enjoy the game!

Liberty Bowl: Halftime

In the beginning, there was football.

[music cue] It was divided into halves, and the Lord said, “Let there be marching bands…”

[music cue] …and they were good.

As the years and the bands marched by, a void formed in the minds of the fans, for they were bored.

And lo, in the year 1970, there appeared a special group of performers to fill this void.

Pledging to entertain the masses and rid halftime of evil commercial marketing, these crusaders were called: The MOB.

And there was much rejoicing.

A traditional Irish toast says: “In the new year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.”

In that spirit, The MOB ends with “Louie, Louie,” and it starts… with a cowbell.

University of California at Los Angeles vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXAugust 30, 2012

“Cash, Hash, Dash”

Rice is excited to play against the most prestigious, recognizable, and influential school in Los Angeles:

The University of Southern California!

Wait. We’re playing the other school in LA? Well there goes our joke about how the Trojans have pounded UCLA for the last five years. But don’t feel bad, Bruins we admit that USC is the highest-paid football team in Lost Angeles.

[Read with an easy pace, elongating the emphasis] The following is brought to you by the state of California: home of medical marijuana.

UCLA, let’s be blunt. When the last play is snapped from the left hash, why sit here getting baked in the Houston heat? It won’t be bong before you’ll want to blow this joint and roll back home to California: where the grass is always greener the smog is all natural and the living expenses are the only things that are high. California: pass it around.

We now return you to the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bruins, already in progress:

It was getting late, and Goldilocks had not yet found a school. UCLA was too big, while Caltech was too small. Then, she saw a student group running around wearing even less than their underwear. They certainly looked like the happiest students in the nation!

[Rice had recently been declared by a national magazine to have the “happiest students.”]

California deep in the heart of Texas, or as the philosopher Marilyn Manson once said: “We’re all stars in the dope show.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Marching Owl Band!

Marshall University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TXSeptember 22, 2012

Pre-Game: Remembering Mrs. Bailiff & Mr. Miggins

Ladies and gentlemen, today we mourn the loss of two true Rice Owls.

Martha Ann Bailiff, mother of head football coach David Bailiff.

Martha was a devoted wife to her husband Robert for fifty-nine years. She was a proud mother to her three children, very active in her community, and was loved by her grandchildren who affectionately called her “Mom-Mom.” Since junior high football, she rarely missed any of Coach Bailiff’s games, and she will be deeply missed.

Larry worked in Facilities and Engineering at Rice for more than twenty-five years. His love of this university and his bond with employees, students, coaches, and athletes was evident as he participated in many activities promoting Rice University, including “HOOTS.” His vigor and can-do attitude will be remembered by many.

Please join us now in a moment of silence for two members of the Owl family: Martha Ann Bailiff, and Larry Joseph Miggins.

[pause, approximately 8 seconds]

Football fans of all ages, please stand as one nation and remove your hats for the presentation of the colors by the Rice Navy ROTC — as The MOB plays our national anthem.

“OWLympics”

Baker 13 division

There are three Fondren windows for three competitors Rice president Leebron is the judge.

Competitor #1 jumps, score: 4. Competitor #2 jumps, score: 6. Competitor #3 jumps – butt first – and ends with “red streamers” as he is carried off final score: 10.

NOD Decathlon
Beeeeer Biiiiike
The Winter Olympics

University of Houston vs. Rice

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 29, 2012

Oops, this script is missing from our archives! If you know where we can find it, please let us know.

University of Texas at San Antonio vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 13, 2012

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University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 27, 2012

“Cthulu”

All’s fair in lovecraft and politics
The tentacular spectacular

Ladies and gentlemen! We now present tonight’s main card!

In this corner, measuring in at five centennial tents tall, it’s the Destroyer of Worlds, the Scourge of Mortals, the Titan of Tentacles: Cthulu.

And in this corner, weighing in at 93 pounds and 17 ounces, Rice University President Daaaavid Beeee-Bron.

The Dark One’s web of lies can be matched only by Leebron’s long-lasting rhetoric and stunningly melodious voice. This will surely be a debate of monumental proportions. Let’s get ready to ramble.

The grass is always greener
Alas, reality returns

All joking aside, we urge you to get out to your polling place on November sixth. In a perfect world, Leebron and Cthulu would be running, but in reality you will select a donkey or an elephant.

Either way, you’ll need a shovel to dig yourself out.

Rice vs. Tulane University

The Superdome &mdash New Orleans, LANovember 3, 2012

“Interstate Research Project”

Halloween

In Texas: Trick-or-treaters encounter a person with a comically oversized Nerf gun (or similar), who proceeds to chase them off his lawn.

In Louisiana: Trick-or-treaters are welcomed with a large cake. Emerging from the cake, lustful “Candi” tosses a bounty of beads.

Education

Our research reveals that some Louisiana schools have disproved evolution… by teaching their students that the Loch Ness monster is real!

Not to be outdone, Texas has added Bigfoot to our biology textbooks. Together, our two states have done for children’s education what lead-based paint did for children’s nutrition.

Moral of the story, surrendered

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 17, 2012

“Going out with a Bane”

A large horse labeled “SMU Mustang” rolls out onto the field during the read. Bane takes the field and, at the appropriate time, a large BANG! is heard (preferably with a 1960’s Batman onomatopoeia sign to go with it) and the horse falls over as if shot.

At this point, the music cuts off except for one person, the “dot” of the exclamation point, until he too is silenced by Bane’s fist.

Attention, Rice Stadium: Your university has grown weak and decadent. You play around and beat your own dead horse… when there is a horse much more deserving of a death penalty just over there.

[Bane points to SMU fans in the visitor stands]

SMU versus Rice.
Obama versus Romney.
The MOB versus your mom.

None of these compare to the conflict we truly want to see: grown men in Halloween costumes beating each other senseless. God bless America!

2012 Armed Forces BowlRice vs. United States Air Force Academy

Amon G. Carter Stadium &mdash Fort Worth, TXDecember 29, 2012

Pregame

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amon Carter Stadium. Here it is, the year 2012, and much of the music we hear today is pre-programmed, electronic disco. We rarely get the opportunity to hear master bluesmen practice their craft. We’re here to change that, so please put your hands together and welcome the blues band of Houston’s South Main…

As Americans, we are blessed, above all, with freedom. It is important for us to recognize and thank the men and women of the armed forces who defend our freedoms. We invite all current and former members of the military to please stand at this time, so that we may honor you and your colleagues in arms.

Thank you for your service.

We hope you enjoy today’s exciting game. The MOB will be back at halftime to reminisce about better days… Such as when the City of Dallas starred in its own prime-time TV show: “COPS.”

Additional thanks to Bryan Wright and Kevin Greene of Fort Worth ISD for providing rehearsal facilities.

Halftime

Alpha
Omega

The big day of the Mayan Apocalypse has come and gone. The world is still here &mdash and so are all your credit card bills. But don’t stress too much: Washington has yet to fix the “fiscal cliff” so it won’t matter, anyway.

Just look on the bright side: at least we still have football.

Captain, censors are showing no sense of humor

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Rice University Marching Owl Band! We express our most extreme gratitude to ESPN, for showing us how much their world resembles George Orwell’s 1984.

The MOB is directed by Mr. Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by drum majors Kayla Schaefer and Peter Johannigman, with Show Assistant executive producer Katherine Humphreys.

We welcome your feedback. Send e-mail to [email protected]

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

September 3, 2011 Darrell K. Royal &ndash Texas Memorial Stadium &mdash Austin, TX

“$ECcess?”

After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the S-E-C and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

[formation changes at the word “Satan”]

Speaking of Aggies, there’s the Texas Governor &mdash A-and-M alumnus &mdash Rick Perry. He looks like he needs a little direction. Okay, God, tell him. [long pause]

No? All right, everyone, let’s try this:

Simon says, touch your ear.

Nuh-uh! Simon didn’t say!

So the next time you go to the polls, ask yourself: is your candidate smarter than an Aggie?

After Perry flunks out from Simon Says, members of the press attempt to interview Obama with Perry attempting to steal the show every chance he gets.

Satan watches, amused, eating from an oversized bucket of popcorn.

Yes, Longhorn fans, Rick Perry isn’t the only Texan desparate for a win this year. But don’t worry, The MOB knows how to cure your sad cow disease, and dry the crying eyes of Texas. Whenever we’re under the weather with a little irritable owl syndrome, there’s only one prescription:

Purdue vs. Rice

September 10, 2011 Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TX

“If you build it, she will come”

Ladies and gentlemen, today the MOB presents a very special halftime performance. This is usually where we would tell you how a university with the initials “P-U” has a good chance of stinking up the Big Ten, or just how a boiler-maker is like a village bicycle.

But not today. Because after all, we are a band with class.

Today, as Rice University focuses on its centennial celebration, the MOB wishes to reflect on just how good we have it:

For instance, the Princeton Review says that we have the happiest students of any campus. We have a Division One football team playing its one-hundredth season. We have an irreverent marching band that continues to make national headlines a mere forty years since its inception.

And while U-T has its own brand of waterRice has its own brand of beer.

But the success of Rice University transcends our small hedges &mdash it is built upon strong relationships with our nation, and our local community. This year, the NASA Johnson Space Center celebrates its own fifty years of achievements, helping America and the world reach beyond our wildest imaginations.

On the field before you, the MOB assembles a two-thirds scale projection of the International Space Station &mdash in honor of the men and women of Mission Control, who have inspired generations of young engineers, scientists, and dreamers. For a bit of history on the first fifty years of collaboration between Rice and NASA, here is the MOB’s director: Chuck Throckmorton.

My name is Chuck Throckmorton. I’m Director of Bands at Rice University, and director of The MOB &mdash The Marching Owl Band. We’re here at the Johnson Space Center to welcome back Rice alumna &mdash and MOB alum &mdash Shannon Walker, who has just come back from the International Space Station.

You know, Rice has a long history with the space program. Mission Control for NASA is in Houston, largely to the influence of George R. Brown and Congressman Albert Thomas, who were roommates at Rice. The land Johnson Space Center sits on was deeded to the United States government by Rice University. And in 1962, the speech by John F. Kennedy &mdash it energized all of us to enter and take the leap into space &mdash was given at Rice Stadium. And the spirit of what he said is still alive at Rice University. When he said, “We choose to go to the moon and do the other things not because they are easy, but because … they’re hard.”

This subtle reminder is that: that milestone and many others will be celebrated at Rice’s centennial celebration in October of 2012 &mdash save the date. So where were we?

1963: Rice University opened the nation’s first dedicated space science program. And in 1969, an experiment by a Rice professor landed on the moon in the first moon landing there is a Rice University flag on the moon to this day. Since then, fourteen Rice University faculty and alumni have had the right stuff &mdash or, the Rice stuff &mdash to become astronauts and serve.

And one of those is native Houstonian, and MOB alumna and Rice alumna, Shannon Walker who has just returned from the International Space Station. Shannon, we are so proud of you, and you are such an inspiration both to Rice and to Houston, to young women everywhere who aspire to a career in the sciences, and just to random space geeks, I guess.

Thanks, Chuck! I’m sorry I can’t be with you in Houston today but, as you can see, I’m in Russia at the moment. But I didn’t want to miss today’s NASA Day game and the chance to salute both my friends at Rice University and my colleagues at the Johnson Space Center.

You know, I didn’t happen to bring my french horn with me to Russia &mdash but! &mdash I do have this nice fedora, and I do have a cowbell! So if it’s OK with you, I’d still like to join The MOB in playing a song. Shall we?

Thank you, MOB alumna Shannon Walker.

And let’s give a round of applause to the men and women of the Johnson Space Center who make up the heart of Space City, U-S-A.

While we are sad to see the Shuttle go, let us end not dwelling on the past but instead celebrating the future. Here’s to the success of the International Space Station and the beginning of the next fifty years of Rice &mdash NASA partnership.

Hey, Rice Stadium! I’m Chuck Throckmorton, Director of Bands at Rice.

And take a look at this! Is this impressive or what? This is the biggest prop I have ever seen on any football field anywhere, but we could not have done it ourselves. We had help from the aerospace club, from the cheerleaders, from Facilities and Engineering and Planning. We had it from alumni, we had it from our friends, we had it from graduate students &mdash the entire Rice community came together to put the International Space Station on the field for you.

And the reason we did it is to point out how impressive this thing is. It is huge on a football field, and the real one is even bigger, and they built it in space!

Way, way cool. But I’m going to need your help. They expect to have a football game here in a little bit, don’t they? So let’s count it down so we can get the International Space Station back off the field.

Start at five, are you ready?

5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Go! Yeah! Thank you Rice Stadium, and thank you … NASA, ESA, and all of the space agencies. You inspire us, and we are proud to be a part of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eleven Rice University Marching Owl Band!

We would like to express our most extreme gratitude to the Rice Office of Public Affairs for writing today’s script.

University of Memphis vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 8, 2011

“Apocalypshow”

Even your mom’s in on it

This time, the signs are undeniable:
– Texas is burning
– Congress repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
– Rice absolutely destroyed Memphis in basketball
– Your mom… said “no.”

“Holy Temple of Leebron” didn’t fit Announcer: It’s time to confess. Here at Rice, our nights can be pretty decadent and we are guilty of Bacchanalian excesses. But the Rice administration is always trying to change our evil ways. Smile for the nice Horsemen, dear

Alas, it seems that our freshman computer science major was not &mdash in fact &mdash a virgin. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, then I don’t know what is.

So as you resign yourself to the impending doom, cheer up! After all your GPA isn’t what counts on Judgement Day. Watch those pesky engineering problem sets vanish in fire and brimstone.

And don’t worry, academs, even the Antichrist needs someone to pour his coffee.

Foretold by Nyan Cat in the Book of Lol

Before you shuffle off this mortal coil, enjoy the time that you’re given. Bring out your liquor, enjoy your parties, and lower your purity score as best you can. Take it from us, and our all-knowing source:

We heard it on the Internet.

Univeristy of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 22, 2011

“Football Through the Ages”

Egypt
Medieval
The Future?
Constants through time

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2011 Rice University Marching Owl Band! We ask your help in controlling the growing coach population. Please spay or neuter your coaches before they escape and fly north in the spring.

Thank you. No vikings were harmed in the production of this halftime performance.

Rice vs. University of Houston

Robertson Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 27, 2011

“Hot Zombie-on-Cougar Action”

Oops, this script is missing from our archives! If you know where we can find it, please let us know.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 5, 2011

Oops, I crapped My Band (The 40th Anniversary)”

In the beginning, there was marching, and it… it got kind of old after a while. Thus, a few intrepid Rice students set out to try something completely different. Influenced by the Blues Brothers, Animal House, the Godfather we acquired stylish threads, contempt for The Man and an appreciation for charitable donations.

Ahoy! We sail onward.

In our youth, we sailed across the wild Galveston Bay to land at Rice University. After fighting a revolutionary war against marching, we crafted our own Bill of Rights. Among those are:

– The right to bear arms
– The right to not quarter Aggies, and
– Freedom of speech on the field.

Because we have a microphone, and you don’t.

Midlife Crisis

Unfortunately, we recently discovered that we turned forty years old. Unable to afford a Porsche, we ditched that old baton twirler for a class new wife with a G-string.

As a violinist, she didn’t care that our woodwinds were overblown and our trombones were rusty.

Not too old for nerdy references
Something to do with a black hole?

Tulane University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 19, 2011

“This Show is 99% Bullshit Free”

‘Twas the night before finals,
when all through the house,
not a student was stirring,
not even Jones South.

Leebron was nestled all snug in his bed,
but visions of protesters danced in his head.
For on the TV there had been such a riot,
he feared that locally they just might try it.

In which things start to go awry

We’ve had enough of this!
We are the ninety-nine percent
we’re here, and we’re mad!

Rice has the happiest students in America. One percent of the college students have sixty-nine percent of the happiness. From this moment, we will occupy Rice!

You have all the fun, and we are taking it back!

Rice President Leebron falls asleep on his very comfy Lovett Hall bed. As he does, the protesters enter the field some carry pitchforks and torches, while others hold picket signs, reading:
– Death to Sandwich Boards
– Mad Enough to Hold this Sign Over My Head
– etc.

Meanwhile, non-Rice students are portrayed playing with regular-sized beach balls and having fun. That is, until they notice the size of the Rice students’ beach ball. Clearly, the size of the beach ball is directly proportional to the amount of fun. Sizes are compared.

Whatever it takes! … to get with your mom.

We demand that you change your ways and move to a humid climate
raise your tuition
give up your liquor
and surround yourself with perpetual construction.

Oh, that happened already, and you’re still happy? In that case, we’ll just throw naked people through your windows.

So much for small classes
I can’t get no…

Rice is about rankings, and with Rice ranked number one in student happiness, we wonder why Rice ranks as only the third horniest university.

President Leebron: Are you satisfied?

Did you see your mom last night? We did. We are the ninety-nine percent.

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 4. 2010

“You(r|’re) NUTS”

Unconventional Wisdom
Daytime Soaps

The daytime schedule aims for the soap opera demographic that most sports networks miss. Stay tuned for new shows like:

As The Offense Turns,
All My Linebackers,
and, for the offensive linemen, The Big and the Bulky

Survivor: Big XII
The Bachelor
Better Later than a Sooner

At next week’s game, we’ll bring you a sneak peek of Oklahoma’s aptly-named network: Sooner Hi-def Intercollegiate Television!

Northwestern University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 18, 2010

“Inception”

Ladies and gentlemen, for your visual and auditory pleasure, The MOB presents &mdash for the first time ever &mdash a video drama and live simultaneous soundtrack. Take a seat! Put your eyes on the scoreboard and point your ears toward the field.

You.
In the bathroom.
You can hold it for another seven minutes.

The video chase scene will continue live, on the field with carboard cutouts of:

Baylor University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 25, 2010

“This Old Stadium”

This Old Stadium

For today’s This Old Stadium makeover, let’s start with the end zones. While we like those blue tarps and all that cement, we want to see some real grass. When we heard that Rice Stadium was big enough to hold every alumnus living or dead, selling thee under-utilized end zone space for cemetery plots seemed like the perfect fit.

We’re calling it: “The Final Roost.”

House of Rock
Radio Limbo
Cleaning Up

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 2, 2010

“BROpocalypse Now”

Is it over?
The Outbreak
The Four Horsemen

As foretold in prophecy, Earth was visited by the Four Horsemen of the bro-pocalypse:
– Judd Apatow
– Dane Cook
– T-pain
– and that guy from that party.

Auto-Tune

In the end, Rice was spared from the worst of the bro-tamination. Rice has no varsity lacrosse team. Without fraternities, there was no shelter for the br-mosapiens. At or worst, we could only be tools, objectify underage girls, and lower our intellectual horizons.

But that wouldn’t make us bros, just your average student at SMU.

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 16, 2010

“As Seen On TV”

Homecoming 2010
Alumzyte
Real Men of Genius
The School Your School Could Be Like

Hello Cougars! Look at your school. Now back to us. Now back to your school. Now back to us. Sadly, you aren’t us. But if you became Tier One you could be like us.

Look down. Back up. Where are you? You’re in organic chemistry at the school your school could be like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it! It’s a textbook with two tickets to the College World Series. Look again: the tickets are now a Championship!

Anything is possible when your school is like Rice. We have the Mayor.

Fundraising: Pledge Now Or Else

Rice vs. Tulane University

The Superdome &mdash New Orleans, LANovember 13, 2010

“Alcohol, Crabs, and Segal. Oh my!”

Bird-on-Bird Romance, what a Hoot!

For instance, take today’s game &mdash The Owl and the Pelican: a Romeo and Juliet story of two schools, both questionable in dignity, in fair New Orleans where we set our scene.

But soft! What smell through yonder trailer reeks? It is the oil refinery. Oh Sammy, Sammy. Wherefore art thou, Sammy?!

Who are we kidding? Conference-USA is never that exciting.

Film, undeveloped.

We learned that, while New Orleans is noted for its art scene, not all projects make the grade:

– The film “No Country for Oil Men” is all washed up.
– The cast of “Brokeback Bayou” can’t seem to stop wrangling their nutria in the backwoods.
– And “March of the Sea Turtles” was smothered before it could ever hatch.

Forgiveness? Doubtful.

We understand that stereotypes can hurt. In spite of our jests, we know that your city is more than alcohol, creeps, and abundant law enforcement…

[Wait for music, then read following as appropriate for field action]

It appears that the band has a Hurricane. They’re drinking pretty fast. Better slow down, band, or bad things will happen…

Look! A giant crab! See, if that’s not bad, I don’t know what is. That poor nutria. Who will help us now?

Finally, some genuine ‘Nawlins law enforcement: it’s Steven Segal everybody! … Steven Segal got the crabs, everyone, it’s okay.

The Moral

The Rice University Marching Owl Band is directed by Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by:

Drum Major Ryan Kruse,
drum minor Ollie Barthelemy,
and Show Assistant Executive Producer Heather Beaber.

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the game!

East Carolina University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 20, 2010

“Arr! Here be a halftime!”

A Brief History of Pirateology

Ah, yes. Quite. [clear throat] Quite. Yes.

Now then, the East Carolina region has a surprisingly booty-filled history of piracy. True East Carolina pirate believers who walk the campus late at night claim to see the ghostly image of Blackbeard &mdash dressed in nothing but his hat &mdash roaming the East Carolina campus. The rest of us just see-

My, crikey! Is that a volcano.

The Joke String
It’s hard out there for a pimp… on the High Seas

Well, it seems that Blackbeard is a bit… preoccupied, so we leave you with this warning:

Whether ye be sailin’ the seven seas
or ye boat be sunk,
at ye next port o’ call
the TSA be grabbin’ ye junk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Marching Owl Band!

University of Alabama at Birmingham vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 27, 2010

“How to Train Your Vuvu”

The Challenge Begins
The Madness Spreads

Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that our crack team of band trainers and sound engineers have done it. They tell me they have prepared the very first performance of the North American tamed vuvuzela:

Putting the buzz in Brahms,
the drone in Dvorak, and
the holy cow in Handel.

Relapse

Obviously, we have never had a greater need for better funding of the arts and music education… Our failure leaves us only one option: we must introduce a natural predator into the vuvuzela’s environment.

We need an instrument so ridiculous… so annoying… so terrifying, that every vuvuzela will run for miles at the sound.

The Cure
40 Years Old

In the year 1970, at the very last football game of the season, the Rice Owl Band began a bold experiment in creative halftime entertainment. The band exited the field using a scatter, and The MOB was born.

Over the next few ears, our shows featured more scattering, semi-comprehensible formations, and zanier scripts than you could find at any other stadium in the south. Today begins the fortieth anniversary of The MOB, your Marching Owl Band!

The MOB plans to proudly lead Rice into her centennial year, and to celebrate our birthday all next season. We’ll see you in August, 2011. The MOB is now forty years old, and if there’s one thing you can count on, it is one heck of a mid-life crisis.

Vanderbilt University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 26, 2009

“Copy Cat Commodores”

Residential Colleges
Par-tay
Nobel Laureates

In the realm of science, however, Rice and Vandy seem evenly matched. While academia may always remember Rice professor Richard Smalley’s discovery of Buckyballs and nanotubes… laypeople everywhere seem obsessed with Vanderbilt alumnus Al Gore’s invention of a different series of tubes…

Family

Did you know that twenty percent of Rice students marry other Rice alumni? That’s similar to Tennessee, where twenty percent of the population marries within the same family tree.

Of course, five percent of those are Vandy legacy admits.

University of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 3, 2009

“Social Networking”

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2009 Marching Owl Band halftime performance will commence…

Hamlet’s Twitter
Darth Vader on Facebook

[SFX: Vader breath]
You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Wicked Witch of the West Goes Trolling
The End

That concludes our multimedia adventure into social networking. And look, we made it through the entire show without mentioning Tulsa’s new mascot. Have you seen Captain ‘Cane ? Check out his superhero backstory on Tulsa’s Web site. It involves a romantic tryst between the Boy Wonder and Captain Planet.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2009 Marching Owl Band!

United States Naval Academy vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 10, 2009

“Shortest Halftime Ever”

Boring Stuff

[voice over music] The MOB would like to take this opportunity to once again salute NASA. However, we do need to let everyone know that, to be perfectly honest, Rice does NOT play Texas because it is hard.

But We Just Started

Remember folks, it’s not the length of your show. It’s how you use it. If your halftime show lasts longer than four hours, please consult a physician.

Attention please, the previous halftime is under review.

University of Central Florida vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 24, 2009

“Halftime: Interrupted”

Dihydrogen Monoxide
Ephalic Endocranial Grey Matter
Large Hadron Collider

[cue: “the woods”] We interrupt this halftime for some important information. Experiments from the Large Hadron Collider have just confirmed the presence of an invisible substance comprising seventy percent of the known universe!

Bravely probing where the sun don’t shine, astronomers warn us to watch out for dark matter &mdash it has nearly as much gravitational pull as your mom.

Cheese
In Closing…

Rice vs. Southern Methodist University

Gerald J. Ford Stadium &mdash Dallas, TXNovember 7, 2009

“Geo-soap-litical”

Recap
Love Triangle

Our dashing hero, The United States, has been having problems with trust. As we all know, he’s accused Iran of carrying another man’s Weapons of Mass Destruction, while she says Ukraine was “just a friend!” How many other long-range missiles were involved? Is she with WMD?

Hey, MOB, what does the pregnancy test say?

Love Letter

Has it already been nearly eight years? When I moved my troops into you, I felt like I was filling needs I’d forgotten about for decades. I’m sorry for invading that other country back in 2003 I don’t know what I was thinking. Only you could possibly have what I really want. I know I moved my troops from you to her, but baby, I’m changing that. I’m pulling out of her for good. Then we can have as many military operations inside your borders as we want. Please, baby, take me back.

Much love,
The United States of America

Desperate Statewives
Roll Credits

Tulane University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 14, 2009

“Rice: 3009”

Homecoming 2009
Campus Life
College Sports

As you can imagine, there has been much progress in one thousand years. Rice is entering its final very-last-ever round of merger negotiations with the Baylor College of Medicine. And with the recent discovery of quantum black holes, we have a scientific answer to the age old question:

Where DO the busses go?!
Homecoming Court

Ladies and gentlemen, by a vote of the student body, The MOB is proud to present the 2009 homecoming court:

– The homecoming king is: H1N1, the swine flu.
– The homecoming queen is: Kanye West.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 21, 2009

“Come to El Paso… Please?”

The El Paso Chamber of Commerce wants your vote to decide the new city slogan.

Option one: “El Paso, the number one reason UTEP students graduate early!”

And the winner is: “El Paso, where miners go in shafts, and shafts go in-&rdquo

Hey, I see what you did there.

Rice vs. University of Houston

Robertson Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNov 28, 2009

“Viral Video”

Ah, Robertson Stadium. Another perfectly ordinary night in a perfectly wonderful place. Nope, nothing bad is going to happen to this half-time. Nice weather we’re having, eh? Ah, there’s the band now.

One Click to Rule Them All
The Infection Spreads

Oh no. Oh, no-no-no! Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that a viral video virus has already infected several members of the band and may be spreading throughout the stadium as we speak. Please protect yourselves. Run away from YouTube links. Pay no attention to strange phrases that make no sense. Whatever you do, avoid “LOL” and “can haz” at all costs.

What’s going on down there? What are you doing?! Is- is that a badger?! Listen, I am ceiling cat and I am watching you &mdash so don’t give me any of that “don’t taze me, bro” garbage- Oh, my… I think the virus has me, too.

It’s Dead, Jim
I opened up my eyes and saw the sign.

[exasperated] All right. All right! We might as well cover all the bases that are belong to us.

Abandon Shi(p|t)

Remember folks, The MOB is:

[enraged voice]
CRYSTAL METH IN A CAN.
WITHOUT THE CAN.
EAT BABIES.
FOUR-HUNDRED BABIES.
YOUR MOM.
NINE-THOUSAND BABIES IN YOUR MOM.

CANADA.
WE RUN LIKE CANADIANS.
EH!
THE FIRST LETTER OF THE ALPHABET!
THE LAST LETTER OF “KENYA!”
I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM.

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXAugust 29, 2008

“Fauxlympics”

McCain / Phelps
Freestyle Lying
I C B Js
Aloha

That concludes our summary of this year’s Olympics. We’d like to thank everyone who traveled to be here today…

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Marching Owl Band!

University of North Texas vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 27, 2008

“An Extended Simile”

Good evening, Houston! We’re glad to see that you came through Ike still standing and energized, even if your house isn’t. You’re in for a treat: this is “Join The MOB” day, so please welcome: The High School for the Performing and Visual Arts.

You can blame them if we sound louder, better, or &mdash for that matter &mdash sober.

Puppets

Foreclosures, bankruptcy, and seven-hundred billion dollars in bailouts: it’s no secret, there’s a group of financial masterminds manipulating the market.

Your sense of discomfort stems from being played like a puppet &mdash and from where they shoved their hands.

Transylvania

Lost in all the political hype this year is our one true chance to bring change in government. Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey, of the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans Party has declared his candidacy.

Formation: B A T Text Display: Promise: A Bat in Every Belfry Music: Rock You Like a Hurricane Action: A political train is followed by a band of bloodsucking vampires who attack musicians and convert them to the dark side. The skit ends with a fly-up (the first ever) of a bat silhouette.
Pageant
UNT Grads

Of course, we’d like to recognize the wonderful folks from UNT. Did you know that they have the largest school of music in the country? They provide thousands of graduates whose talent and creativity allows them to truly serve our community.

So, the next time you meet a North Texas grad, please remember to tip your waiter.

University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 18, 2008

“The Situation in Brief”

Foreign wars. Failing financial systems. These are troubling times. With troubling times come troubling questions, which all Americans must be prepared to answer:

What will happen to my savings?
Which leader should I vote for?
And does this dress make me look fat?

Briefs
Advice
Translations

So, what exactly do you get for seven-hundred billion dollars? Only this:

Roses are red violets are blue.
Wall Street is screwed, and… well, so are you.

Little Lamb

The say poems bring comfort, so here’s another:

Mary had a sub-prime loan,
her account was short on dough.
And everywhere that Mary went,
her debt was sure to grow.

It followed her to school one day
she couldn’t make tuition.
While the other kids could laugh and pay,
she suffered malnutrition.

Crash

[On 2nd stanza below, start happily and gradually change to a disillusioned tone]

Twinkle, twinkle, little bank
how I wonder when you’ll tank.
Losing money every day
going down like Fannie Mae.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bank
let’s give you seven-hundred billion dollars and-pretend-this-never-happened.

Rice vs. Tulane University

The Superdome &mdash New Orleans, LAOctober 25, 2008

“Voodoo Memories”

With Halloween coming, it’s time to prepare for the putrid stench of mindless zombies seeking pagan debauchery.

Then again, you see that every night in the French Quarter.

United States Military Academy at West Point vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 8, 2008

“A Rice Carol”

Homecoming 2008

We bring you the story of a typical Rice student, Sammy D. Owl:

“I toiled over my Orgo book late one night, drinking stale Mountain Dew and eating crusty Cheetos. I had skipped the festivities of NOD and Baker Thirteen to study for this week’s test, and I would skip College Night, tomorrow.

The spirit said, “I am Will Rice, the Ghost of Rice Past! Yes, chemistry is useful to know, but NOD will show you that Orgo isn’t the most interesting kind. Watch, and I will demonstrate.

“Take equal parts of high spirits and highly alcoholic spirits mix with good, old-fashioned partial nudity and stew over poor decisions.

Present

As he faded away, the next spirit loomed near. The Ghost of Rice Present was none other than David Leebron. He took me through dorm rooms and classrooms, and on the way I learned a subtle equation:

Take the student body, increase by thirty percent add several buildings, and raise one billion dollars!!

Future

The last spirit, the Ghost of Rice Future, spoke not a word, but took me to a strange and terrifying place.

Around me rose concrete towers. Not a blade of grass nor single squirrel did I see, and few students showed their faces. No parties. No sports. No fun! Only study time &mdash day and night.

I begged the spirit, “Who caused this? Who would create all this for students, but neglect everything that makes a student more than a bundle of facts? Who?!”

The spirit simply pointed to the name on the dedication: it was &mdash my own.

Awakening

I awoke in a start, realizing what I had lost &mdash and what I needed to gain. I asked a passing boy, “What day is it?”

When he replied, “College Night,” I jumped with glee. “The spirits have worked their magic in just one night! Quick, go to Spec’s and buy the Prize Keg! Orgo can wait! I will keep the spirit of Valhalla with me all year ’round!

Marshall University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 22, 2008

“Half-Baked”

Today, the world has its first Human-Buffalo hybrid. This bio-engineering project was conceived at a Marshall house party. The union combines the size of a buffalo with the inclination of a man.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, but in this case we hope the invention’s mother was the bison.

This year, celebrities around the nation are sharing their methods of cooking the Thanksgiving turkey:

Dick Cheney roasts his gobblers with a flamethrower… right in the face!

Hillary Clinton uses a conventional oven for her turkey, but the hard part is getting her to concede when it’s done.

Finally, Cheech and Chong admitted they don’t know how to cook a turkey, but they sure know how to get one baked.

Did you know that Marshall University has one of the to forensic science programs in the country? That’s impressive, considering that forensic science is so difficult in West Virginia:

Where there are no dental records, and they haven’t found any new DNA in years.

Associated images which may have been displayed on the video board(?):








Thanks to Justin Lin 󈧏!

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 29, 2008

“Toasts and Roasts”

Coaches New
Coaches Old
Hurricanes and Politicians
Cougars

Western Michigan University vs. Rice

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXDecember 30, 2008

Texas Bowl Pre-game

Action: Band is staged off of the field, on the sidelines, in four groups.
Music: Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey
Announcer: In the beginning… there was football. [pause, wait for music cue] It was divided into halves, and the Lord said, “Let there be marching bands!” [pause, wait for music cue]

And they were good. As the years and the bands marched by, a void formed in the minds of the fans, for they were bored. And lo, in the year 1970, there appeared a special group to fill this void. Pledging to entertain masses and rid halftime of evil commercial marketing, these crusaders ventured forward courageously. This group was called: The MOB. [pause, wait for music to end]

At this time, we would like to thank Western Michigan for making us aware of your existence. We are excited to play you today, even though some of our fans would prefer to face a more familiar foe.

This is an awkward compromise, but… Western Michigan, may we put a bag over your head and pretend you’re Irish?

The Rice Marching Owl Band is directed by Chuck Throckmorton. Drum majors are Julia Scheevel from Wiess and Jamie Sammis from Brown. Our executive producer is Brian Leake from Will Rice, and I am your announcer: Kathy Beauregard.

Join us for half-time and we might reveal which two state felonies we violated in the pre-game presentation.

Texas Bowl Half-time

Action: Band is staged (standard TIL pre-set) off the field, roughly at the corners.
Music: Turnin’ it Loose (I Can’t Turn You Loose)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Reliant Stadium. Here it is, the year 2008, and much of the music we hear today is pre-programmed electronic disco. We rarely get the opportunity to hear master bluesmen practice their craft. At this rate, the music known as “The Blues” will be available only in the classical section of your local public library. So while we still can, please welcome the blues band of South Main &mdash the MarchingOwlBand!
Action: At pre-determined cue points in the music, the groups at each corner (one at a time) run out to form the letters…
Formation: R I C E
Announcer: In this cash-strapped winter, we learned that Santa was taking advantage of the bear markets. For instance, he got free shares of GM stock with the purchase of a new sleigh. And he got bulk discounts on his deliveries to Wall Street &mdash of course, all he delivered there was coal.
Formation: $
Music: Sell Out
Action: Bank executives enter the field carrying money bags galore. Santa enters in his sleigh and takes the bags from the executives, instead leaving them each with a heaping bag of coal.
Announcer: After Hurricane Ike, we learned to survive without fresh food or air conditioning in the gulf coast humidity. When we hear, “Houston, we have a problem,” our response is that “failure is not an option.” And after every storm comes the promise of a new day… and a new roof.
Formation: Three-arc rainbow
Music: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Action: Show Assistants&trade unfurl long streams of colors from the rainbow at midfield, toward the sideline.
Announcer: [during applause immediately after ‘Rainbow’…] Houston, Texas… The MOB salutes you. [pause] Our best experience of the year has been with the Rice Owls football team, and of course you, the fans. We ended last year in Dante’s Inferno, but now we’ve ascended to David Bailiff’s paradise.
Deep in the Heart

Nicholls State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 1, 2007

“J. Fred Pre-game”

This summer, the Rice community lost long-time member J. Fred Duckett, known across Houston for his booming voice and enthusiasm for sports. As a student at the Rice Institute and member of Wiess College, J. Fred participated in track and football. After graduating in 1955, you could find him behind the public address systems of the Houston Marathon, the Texas Relays, and the Houston Astros&mdashto name a few. But many of us remember him as the voice of Rice Athletics. Here at Rice Stadium, and wherever the spirit of J. Fred may be, it’s a beautiful day for outdoor football.

Please join us in a moment of silence.

“Summer Recap”

IGovern
Chinese… in bed!
Tear down this wall!

You may have noticed a large, gray eye-sore in today’s show: the administration recently approved new construction at midfield. Though unsightly and inconveniennt, they call it “academic progress“ we are not convinced.

And so, we tell you:
If you want peace, if you want prosperity,
Mr. Leebron, tear down… this wall!

Annual Salute to the New Coach

And finally, from the biggest news since last season, The MOB welcomes David Bailiff with our annual salute to the new coach! Mister Bailiff, we cope you lay down the law in Conference USA. And we hope you take us to exotic destinations like Fort Worth or Mobile, Alabama for our Christmas vacation.

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 15, 2007

“The War in the Middle Yeast”

Enchi-NOD-as

Wiess College could announce this year’s theme for the infamous Night of Decadence party: ENCHI-NOD-AS. The Texas restaurant Association reminds you that “Eating Out is fun!”

Give a prize to the best costume made entirely of: tortillas… refried beans… salsa… and guacamole. The good new is: you can eat it after the party. The bad new: you friends might start early.

Save me, Cheesus!

Peter, I’m here on the east side of Rice Stadium, where a faction believing only in flour tortillas&mdashAl-Quesadilla&mdashis threatening to wage cheese-had. The opposing corn tortilla sect&mdashwho insist their goals are entirely peaceful&mdashurge all tortilla lovers to “praise the maize.”

Peter, all of Humanity hungers for peaceful and delicious co-existence, but many experts fear continued outbreaks of sectarian chile-con-carnage.

From the sidelines, this is Taquita Ortega.

The Flying Tortilla Monster

Just as we lost all hope for peace, Humanity spots a being upon high. Could it be? What other creature so intelligent and designed could cast down such a cheesy appendage?

Yes! It must be! The Flying Tortilla Monster has come to intervene!

The Wrap

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Darrell K. Royal &ndash Texas Memorial Stadium &mdash Austin, TXSeptember 22, 2007

“Book ’em, Horns!”

Scene of the Crime
Book ’em Again
That bitch.
Seven points
Break on through to the other side…

Rice vs. University of Houston

Robertson Stadium &mdash Houston, TexasOctober 13, 2007

“Donnie Didn’t Duck”

Im in ur pipes, stealin ur internets
Nov. 󈧌 can’t come soon enough
Beatdown
Exit Strategies

University of Memphis vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 20, 2007

“Sport Scum Olympics”

Inject & Hide
Snatch & Grab Formation: A white Ford Bronco “Bill”: It looks like Barry’s experience has paid off here today. “Mike”: Yeah, he really stuck it to the rest of the field. After round one, Barry has one point and the lead. Bill, what’s up for round two? “Bill”: Well, before we move on, there’s one person we’re missing in today’s sports scum contest: Michael Vick, who recently plead guilty to dogfighting charges. We now turn to Spot for his expert take on the matter. Spot? “Spot”: Arf-arf. Ar-ar-arf. Arf. Arf! “Bill”: Spot! You can not call Michael Vick a “flaming bag of poo” on the air. Apologize. “Spot”: growls “Bill”: Good boy. Now back to the games. Our next event is the snatch-and-grab. “Mike”: It’s a real shame Isiah Thomas couldn’t be here today. He’s a natural at this one. “Bill”: Yes, indeed. For this event, our contestants will have to break down a door, steal the contents of the room, and make their getaway. The first one to jump in the white Ford Bronco waiting outside wins. All right, the contestants are lines up… Music: Low Rider Action: Referee blows the whistle to start the song and the action. Contestants break down doors to hold up occupants and snatch their belongings. O.J. makes it out first and escapes in a slow-moving white Ford Bronco with a police “escort.” At the end of the song, the band scatters. Pop Goes the Weasel

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 3, 2007

“Hail Poetry!”

Sonnet

First, a Shakespearean sonnet:

To you, Alums, Rice never can be old,
for as she was when she caught your eye
such seems her beauty still. Though where lawns rolled
new buildings spread, new towers pierce the sky

The plenteous fountains from which you once drank
of wisdom deep, as of Saint Arnold’s Brew,
are dry. Professors you would like to thank
are gone. Behind their desks are faces new.

O’ students of today, a word to you.
Four years will pass like smoke upon the wind
so cherish them, explore, try something new.
You’ll never have a chance like this again.

But graduation need not be “farewell.”
Send all donations through the U.S. Mail!

Haiku

Next for you, we have Haiku:

Beer Bike in the spring
ridicule drunken buffoons:
they’re forty yards out.

They’re thirty yards out
ready, set, suck suck suck suck!
Darn, Jones wins again.

ABCB Rhyme

And now, a verse from our sponsor:

On thirteen and thirty-one
they’re never lonely.
They run in packs
while wearing only

Limerick & Free Verse

There once was a statue named “Willy”
and three Wiessmen who turned him ’round silly.
Much money was spent,
a small pin was bent,
and T-shirts were sold willy-nilly.

You spin me right-round, baby, right-round.
Facing Fondren, baby&mdashright-round, round-round.

Homecoming Court

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2007 Marching Owl Band is proud to announce yet another disturbing Homecoming Court:

Your Homecoming princess is: Todd Graham.
Escorting Graham is her prince: Halo‘s Master Chief.
Eclipsing Sid Rich is your Homecoming queen: the Rainbow Building.

And finally, the 2007 Homecoming king: green construction fences.

Tulane University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 17, 2007

“Squirrels”

Written by the Class of 2011 (The 2007 Freshman Show)
The Squirrel Bride
Harry Potter

[read in the style of a movie trailer] In a world of magic and macadamias… Where Quidditch teams compete for the golden nut… A dark lord Squirreldemort continues to assemble his furry legions to take over the wizarding world.

It’s up to Harry and his friends to do the impossible: stop evil while handling their teenage angst. See the next installment of the series in: Harry Potter and the Chestnuts of Fire!

Indiana Jones

Coming soon, like it or not: Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Nuts of Doom.

University of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 24, 2007

“Todd Graham’s Inferno”

2nd Circle: Your Mom
$th Circle: Franchione in Hell
8th Circle: A River (of poo) Runs Through It
Tulsa: Damnation
Closing

You know, that reminds me of a joke: A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Now, I forgot how the rest of it went, but I think in the end Todd Graham is a douchebag.

Anonymous wrote…

“If there’s one thing we learned from this show, it’s that Tulsa’s athletic department is pretty damn hypocritical for whining to the conference office because of ‘unsportsmanlike conduct.’ If we learned two things, the other is that the word douchebag is not quite as ‘mild’ a vulgarity as we had thought. Oops. I’m neither particularly proud that I uttered the word over a loudspeaker nor am I ashamed of it after all, it was a rather succinct and accurate term.”

Game day was absolutely miserable: cold, windy, and wet. A few students braved the elements &mdash most of their classmates were still on break for Thanksgiving &mdash joined only by the most committed of the Owl faithful. Of fair-weather fans, there were none. It was about what you would expect for the end of a disappointing season. Despite an early lead, Rice spent most of the game playing catch-up and valiantly brought the game within a single touchdown before the clock expired and gave Tulsa its 48-43 victory.

Down 27-22 at the half &mdash five points the Owls could never seem to recover &mdash the number of bodies in the stands was nowhere close to the reported 11,000 tickets sold. The MOB gathered in the tunnel for Dies Irae and an endzone field entrance, wondering how well the show would be received by what little audience there was.

At the end of the introduction, by the time the audience realized where we were going with the Dante reference, the Rice fans cheered with enthusiasm from the press box, a faint whisper of boos seemed to come from the visitor sideline. The your mom bit came next. Thankfully, Dante placed adulterers in one of the earliest circles, and that’s where we like to put our weaker material however, the student section seemed to enjoy it thoroughly. Our Fourth Circle garnered an excellent response from the entire stadium, thanks to Dennis Franchione. (Coincidentally, Dennis resigned as head coach of Texas A&M the previous day.) Wallowing in “donkey dung” received an amused reaction, but otherwise the Eighth Circle did little more than build the mounting tension of anticipation.

By now, everyone in attendance knew where the show was headed: the ninth and final circle &mdash home of Satan, Judas, and the other traitors. This final segment was pre-recorded on CD to include the processing effects for our demon voice. At this point the eyes and ears of the entire stadium were glued to the field. We had everyone’s attention and it was dead quiet surprisingly, Tulsa’s fans (who had boo’d extensively for Sell Out) were listening to every word. The exchange between the narrator and demon built up to those final three words and, as the video board displayed the final graphic, the crowd (Rice and Tulsa) literally erupted in a tremendous roar of applause. A standing ovation. From the sound of it, you might have believed the reported attendance. The Rice student section, much to the dismay of one particularly irate Tulsa fan, jumped in glee. In a word: success!

Now, somewhere in the rejoicing, mixed with Louie, Louie, one little controversial word &mdash a word used on network television &mdash bellowed from the stadium sound system. Yet, the Rice crowd’s applause remained as strong as ever.

By the time reports of the show reached the Internet, there had been a few misinterpretations and misconceptions. The most blatant of these was that we had directly referred to Graham’s mother as an adulterer in the second segment. It’s quite clear from the script that it’s a general your mom joke, but this rumor gained quite a bit of headwind online &mdash particularly among those whose only knowledge of the performance was second-hand, at best. Others claimed the show specifically targeted the Tulsa fans in attendance and their school. While alluding that Tulsa (the city) was worse than Hell may have been a pot-meet-kettle cheap shot (coming from Houston), this show specifically avoided any comments regarding Tulsa (the school), its fans, students, and employees (save one former Rice employee). It should be painfully obvious that, as the Rice band, our show was directed to and produced solely for the enjoyment of the Rice audience.

What started as a somewhat intellectual “screw you, Todd” finale to an otherwise lackluster football season quickly became national news. If you’ve ever wondered what kind of publicity can be generated thanks to a small blurb on the Associated Press news wire, The MOB’s server logs provide a pretty picture.

Our server, per month, averages about 8,000 visits &mdash a single “visit” is the set of all requests made by the same IP address within a contiguous block of time &mdash by 4,000 unique IPs. For our largest audience in 2007 (UT at Austin in September), these numbers showed a slight raise to 8,700 and 6,200, respectively. Now, compare that to November, 2007: nearly 20,900 visits by about 16,100 unique addresses!

Here are some other Web traffic statistics:

  • This page (the script) was the top requested page for the entire month, receiving 14,228 hits (in only one week).
  • The site received at least 130 search hits for “todd graham[‘s] inferno”.
  • …and, to show we have a sense of humor, 234 hits for “nerds”.

As far as we can tell, the general reaction (outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma) has been enthusiastically positive. There seems to be an even balance between those that consider “douchebag” too inappropriate for the venue and those believing it’s a dead-on description worth the consequences. One thing, however, is perfectly clear: the satire of Dante’s Divine Comedy has been very well received. You can find a selection of our favorite articles below.

The editor wrote…

Unfortunately, the Internet is not permanent and some articles have disappeared since first appearing online.

The Futon Report
See, I don’t even care about either team, and I feel like standing up and clapping… As you can imagine Tulsa wasn’t all too pleased with that halftime show. Pssh. Philistines.
Original URL: http://futonreport.net/index.php/2007/2254977

We received additional coverage on numerous fan message boards, as well as from:
ESPN.com, SI.com, The USA Today, NYTimes.com, and Fark.com


    O, By the Way: Tulsa takes on the MOB
    Todd Graham, or The Tale of the Douchebag
    Thanks to authors Patrick Thornton, Champion T., Walter T. Champion, Jr., and Lawrence S. Ruddell, this script is now a case study for athletic department nitwits. (If one paragraph qualifies as a case study.)
    "… if you want to find the smartest, most creative students at college you need to look no further than the marching band."
    "Hyper-contextual Medieval revenge parody referencing ‘averice’ and ‘donkey dung’? A million times yes."
    "If our institutions of higher learning are forbidden from holding douchebags accountable for their douchebaggery, then we, as a nation, have failed our youth."
    This show was our last word on the matter, but this one-sided article shows Tulsa still cares, though more about football and less about integrity (or details).

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 2, 2006

“The Sensitive Owl Band”

The S-O-B dislikes the controversy in politics. For example, “Kinky” Friedman got his nickname on the ballot, while Carole Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn Jingleheimer Smit&mdashhow many names does this woman have?!

…she was denied the simple name “Grandma.” If they joined forces instead, then we could vote for One Kinky Grandma.

After all, what fun is the right to bear arms if you don’t use it?

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2006 Marching Owl Band. Please send all complaints to the ACLU.

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 16, 2006

San Jose State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 4, 2003

“Harry Potter has an Owl”

Announcer: In an attempt to increase diversity on campus, Rice is jumping into a new realm: fictional characters! The newest Rice Owl will be none other than Harry Potter! Why? Because Rice is always looking to attract new students, especially rich… I mean famous… I mean intelligent students.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: The MOB believes that Harry Potter will fit in well at Rice. After all, Hogwarts and Rice are very similar. Hogwarts has four houses, while we have eight colleges &mdash and Martel Dormitory they have owls that deliver mail, while we have Owls that deliver National Championships and although we may not have dungeons, we do have Wiess Penitentiary!
Formation: H *lightning bolt* P
Music: Jailhouse Rock
Action: Students are led into a prison cell that has a huge “Wiess” sign on top while a giant owl carrying a trophy flies down from the upper deck.
Announcer: To make Harry Potter feel even more at home, The MOB proposes modifying a long standing and hallowed Rice tradition. From now on, Beer Bike will be Beer Broom! Where floating kegs is only the beginning, and Will Rice can sweep again… literally.
Formation: B E E R
Music: Great Balls of Fire
Action: SAs act out Beer Bike while riding broomsticks.
Formation: G A S P
Announcer: Don’t mind them folks &mdash that’s just Hogwarts 13!!
Music: Last half of Great Balls of Fire
Action: SAs in body suits run around the field riding broomsticks.
Announcer: Of course, recruiting a celebrity and making changes to the campus will not come cheap. After all, the administration will have to pay another three billion dollars to install parking gates on a Broomsticks-Only lot. Also, a new school of alchemy will be created, whose first project will be to change unnecessary campus objects, like greenspace and a B.S. in civil engineering, to gold!
Formation: C A S H
Music: Big Spender
Action: The ALCHEMY-O-MATIC goes around the field changing grass, squirrels, Harold, and whatever else they can find to gold. SAs on broomsticks get blocked by parking gates.
Announcer: [NOTE: This was recorded by President Gillis himself] Hello, I am Professor Doctor President Malcolm Gillis. With all of these new additions, the Rice Leadership informs you that, although Harry Potter will be attending on a full scholarship, all other Rice students will se a slight 50,000 dollar * increase in tuition. Bwa ha ha! Bwa ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Formation: at * we “die” into A H H !
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Flee

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 11, 2003

“Communist Takeover”

Announcer: Greetings, comrades. Rejoice, for the Revolution is come, and the bourgeois capitalists have been overthrown! On behalf of the party, the Marxist Owl Band now presents the People’s Halftime.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: With the coming of the revolution, everything has changed &mdash even the food. The lines at the red Servery may be long, but don’t worry! Everyone will get their fair shar of people’s Pork, made from one hundred percent real capitalist pigs!
Formation: Hammer and sickle
Music: Sabre Dance
Action: Capitalists (bankers, businessmen, et al.) run about the field carrying money bags. They are herded into the Communizer (aka the Box-on-Wheels with hammer and sickle panels), which outputs delicious dinners to be fed to all the good little comrades. Meanwhile, a Charlton Heston figure watches the feast in abhorrence, holding a sign “It’s PEOPLE. ”
Announcer: After rigorous strategic planning, our glorious leader, Comrade Gillis, has announced a new five year plan for undergraduates. All students are now required to take Commie 101: Practical Methodology of Infrastructure Development. Students are expected to provide their own shovels.
Formation: D I G
Music: Marche Slave
Action: Pokes fun at campus construction using students as forced labor. (Just as a side note, ‘rigorous strategic planning’ is a phrase actually used in conjunction with the Next Century Campaign)
Announcer: Let the Cultural Revolution begin! Tomorrow at the People’s Media Center, the Committee for Proletarian Culture debuts a new film from our comrades in Asia. Now showing: It’s a Red World After All!
Formation: Mickey Mouse ears
Music: Finale from Firebird
Announcer: Now presenting: Mickey Mao!
Action: Solemnly unveil Mickey Mao. Do reverence unto it..
Announcer: The following is a public service announcement from the Ministry of the Registrar:
War is peace!
Freedom is slavery!
ignorance is strength, thanks to pass/fail.
Formation: P / F
Music: Intro to Pictures at an Exhibition
Announcer: Brothers of the Revolution, rejoice! Rejoice! For this is the… Ahhhh.
Action: Uncle Sam bludgeons the announcer, the takes the mic.
Uncle Sam: There has been another coup! This hideous experiment is now over!
Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer: This coup has been brought to you by the CIA, proudly assassinating Fidel Castro since 1959.

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXAugust 31, 2002

“A Tribute to Zero”

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: The MOB runs screaming out of the tunnel and then slams to a halt as they are stopped by two large parking gates.
Announcer: Welcome to Rice Stadium, where the P.A. works for both bands! The MOB is brought to you tonight by the Rice University Parking Committee. Please pardon the delay while the band looks for its parking permit.
Action: The MOB breaks down the gates and enters the field.
Announcer: The MOB would like to dedicate today’s show to the number ZERO, one of the most important mathematical innovations in the history of humankind. Al Gore invented the number zero…
MOB: “DID NOT!”
Announcer: Shut up… and I’m quite certain that zero is the amount that Rice students and visitors pay for parking.
MOB: “IS NOT!”
Formation: Z E R O
Music: Free Ride
Action: Two Rice students enter the field playing with their money, tossing it back and forth, throwing it up and down. They are joyous. Until, that is, the EVIL RICE PARKING COMMITTEE, represented by a devil and a demon both brandishing pitchforks, attack the students and steal the money. They proceed to play with it themselves, rejoicing in front of the Rice student section. The students, however, notice the gatesabers from the parking gates. In an epic battle, the students reclaim their money, vanquishing the parking committee forever.
Scoreboard: Parking gate arm moves up and down.
Announcer: The mathematical innovation of zero gave rise to incredible technological advances. Thanks to one little placeholder, modern scientists can send a man to the moon or sustain human life with artificial organs. It even helped Anna Nicole Smith, Pamela Anderson, and Britney Spears achieve stardom with an uplifting zero-gravity effect.
Formation: S i (the abbreviation for the element silicon)
Music: 99 Red Balloons
Action: A record company executive fondling is money and an incredibly chauvinistic male grace the field. One girl approaches the exec and does Britney-ish dance moves, trying to get a contract, but to no avail. Another tries t get a date. A third floats between the two. The first two then run to a surgeon who gives them very large… tracts of land, in balloon form. They go back to their respective males and perform successfully, to the indignation of the third girl, who gets in a catfight, popping balloons. One balloon floats away, and the chauvinist chases after it.
Scoreboard: “Can you say… SILICON?”
Announcer: In this age of weight consciousness and healthy eating, the number zero has become significant when comparing food labels. The MOB would like to recommend to the people of Houston &mdash America’s fattest city…
MOB: “We’re number one! We’re number one!”
Announcer: …the next time you visit McDonald’s, remember to order a zero-calorie Diet Coke when you super-size your French fries.
Formation: The McDonald’s&trade Arches
Music: Vehicle
Action: Ronald McDonald waves to the crowd as a McDonald’s is wheeled onto the field. He welcomes a tall, thin man to the establishment and walks away. The man orders a super-size fries from the cashier, who produces an extremely large container of fries. The man walks into the McD’s, eating. From the other end, he emerges chomping a long fry. He also emerges… fat! The horror! He yells at the cashier, who produces a giant diet Coke. The man drinks the Coke and enters the establishment… and emerges thin again! Joy! Meanwhile, Ronald McDonald has a heart attack. That is, he is attacked. By a heart.
Scoreboard: Cheeseburger
+ Diet Coke
Zero Calories

Much of the Enron debacle would be impossible to express without our friend the zero.

Need more money?
Zero can help! Add a few zeroes to the books!

Need a place to hide a bad deal?
Zero is your partner. Just subtract a few zeroes from the books.

Need help when called to testify?
Zero is how much you have to say, thanks to you other friend, The Fifth.

[NOTE: “Operation Spotted Owl” was an effort set up on coogfans.com to fly two airplanes with banners over the game one banner said, “MOB = Movement Of Bowels GED This!” and the other said, “Hey MOB, do us all a favor &mdash disband!” We discovered these banners at the game, and the following was inserted into the show in response.]

The MOB appreciates the ingenuity of “Operation Spotted owl,” and reminds Cougar fans that regular movement is an important element to any healthy lifestyle As for “disbanding,” The MOB is delighted to dis your band any time.

I’m so happy with the UH show!

1) Well done, SAs! The parking gates had the student section cheering before we even started our show!

2) We got some good reactions to our middle segments, (courtesy of the UH band laugh track) &mdash did anyone else notice they had to be conducted to laugh? I guess they don’t trust their members’ senses of humor to know when the punchline has been hit.

3) We brought down the house with our closing joke &mdash great announcer timing by Jonathan and coordinated moving from chaos to 0-11 formation by the band members. The UH crowd actually started cheering when Jonathan hit his opening lines about UH’s perfection, and our student section was on its feet cheering when we snapped to 0-11.

Great job, kudos to everyone, and I’m looking forward to a strong and fun rest of the year.

One proud alum,
Chip Aucion

After the halftime show (which I thought went splendidly, barring the rudeness from the endzone…), Joanna and I, being the events coordinators, did our ‘thang’ and went upstairs to concessions to get more ice for the band water coolers. Joanna went first up the stairs. At the top of the steps, a U of H fan stood waiting for us. He asked, bitingly, “Thirsty? Would ya like a Coke?” and without waiting for a response, dumped the full cup of Coke and ice down Joanna’s front and tossed the cup onto the ground. As the two of us stood there in shocked disbelief (well, disbelief-shock for me, perhaps icy-Coke-shock for Joanna…), the dumb coward sprinted off in the opposite direction, dodging fans right and left. (Question: Are Joanna and I particularly intimidating? Why the heck did he run away so fast?) Appalled, we got the ice from concessions and nervously laughed our way back to the stands, keeping our eyes peeled for any more trouble. A bit before the game had ended, we collected trash from the band. Generally, we take the trash up to the concessions area. We decided that this time, we’d take someone with us, so we asked the nearest guy, which happened to be Andrew. Andrew took his fedora off and led the way. When we got to the top of the stairs, as luck would have it, the same stupid idiot was there waiting for us! With another cup of Coke! Which he dumped over Andrew’s *head*!! Anyone who has been to a BOB game knows that Andrew [is]… animated. This time, the guy got chased. Joanna and I must’ve run the entire length of the field along the concourse of the stadium before we finally were able to call Andrew off. So! A note to Cooger High fans everywhere: no more Coke already. We’re setting up a goon squad, and your kneecaps would make nice knicknacks.

Rice vs. Michigan State University

Spartan Stadium &mdash East Lansing, MISeptember 7, 2002

Pregame Show

MOB: Gathered on sidelines with percussion, tubas, and electronics pre-set on the field.
Music: Turnin’ It Loose
Announcer: Goo afternoon ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Spartan Stadium. Here it is, the year 2002 and much of the music we hear today is pre-programmed electronic disco we rarely get the chance to hear a master blues band practice their craft. By the year 2006, the music known as “the blues” will be found only in the classical records section of your local public library. So, while we still can, please welcome the blues band of South Main &mdash the Blues Owl Band!
Action: The MOB enters in four separate groups, eventually forming…
Formation: M O B
Formation: A “marchingbandesque” block formation
Music: Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey
Announcer: [over music] In the beginning there was football. And the Lord said, “I shall divide football games into halves.” And between those halves there was a void, without form or entertainment. So the Lord said, “Let there be Marching Bands!” And it was good. But a second void formed, in the minds of the fans, for they were bored. And lo, in 1970, there appeared a special group of entertainers to fill this void. The group was called [pause] The MOB.
Announcer: At this point in our pregame, we usually play the National Anthem. But since the Spartan Marching Band is prepared to accept that responsibility, The MOB has prepared a brief salute to your great state. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the playing of the State Song of Michigan.
Formation: Rice Pregame Shield
Music: O’ Canada
Action: Show Assistants unfurl a Canadian flag midfield.
Announcer: And now, please remain standing for the playing of the Rice University alma mater, Rice’s Honor.
Music: Rice’s Honor
Bonnet
Action: Leave the field.

“Michigan is a Pretty Crazy Place”

Ladies and gentlemen, Michiganders and Michigeese, for our final segment today, the MOB is proud to present its tribute to the 2001 Michigan/Michigan State football game.

Uh-oh, folks. It looks like we’ve run out of time for our halftime performance. Non, no, wait! The officials say we still have one more second! Hit it, MOB!

To make this short, most people didn’t have a whole lot to say about this show or trip in general. We arrived at the MSU stadium early enough to catch the end of the MSU Spartan Band rehearsal, which was a treat &mdash especially for MOBsters who hadn’t ever seen a marching band rehearse before. After practicing in the early morning sun, we moved inside the stadium (which we had to ourselves for a time) and waited for lunch while slowly crawling to higher and higher bleachers to avoid the sun creeping over the wall of the stadium. When the crowd arrived we realized that we were sitting near (or in?) the MSU student section. Personally, I found their behavior to be very discourteous and simply rude, but we managed.

The show went well, but we were definitely stretched in the musician department and probably came across weaker than usual. It was enough, though, because Dan Phillips shared this comment: “One guy told me that he has been going to MSU games for 20 years, and out of the 50 or so bands he’s seen, The MOB was the most entertaining.” Dan also regretted that none of the MSU tailgaters offered him any beer like those at the UM game two years prior.

If you’re interested in what MSU fans thought, read these comments:

Comments from MSU Fans

If you don’t believe us, read what these people had to say:

I was in attendance at Saturday’s MSU-Rice football game. I just wanted to say how wonderful I thought your band was. Their performance was both unique and clever. It was such a nice change from the majority of bands I have seen. From their non-traditional uniforms to their various MSU-related performances (where they made us laugh at ourselves), it was so well done. I give “two thumbs up” to The MOB!

Harlan Goodrich
Michigan State University, Class of 2000

I just wanted to you to know that we loved you’re halftime show at Saturday’s game with MSU. We don’t get enough opportunities to see bands from other universities and it was great to see The MOB perform. Hope you enjoyed your visit to East Lansing &mdash you’re welcome anytime!

Dear MOB members and Staff,

Just want to say thanks for coming to East Lansing and putting on a great show this past weekend. It was nice to take a break from the traditional marching bands (although I enjoy them all) and have some fun with your band. The show was awesome and a good time. As a Spartan alum and fan, I will apologize for the few that did not find the humor in your show, but oh well, I am sure you have to deal with some of those wherever you go. Hope you didn’t notice them too much. I know that the majority of Spartan fans, and all of the ones I have talked to, enjoyed the MOB and appreciated you making the long trip here. Again, great show and thanks for coming to Michigan State University. Hope you enjoyed our campus and East Lansing. Good luck the rest of the season.

Your Friend,
Andrew Midgley
Michigan State University

I attended the MSU-Rice game this past Saturday and was able to see your performance. I would like to offer a few suggestions for your band.

  1. It is hard to hear your show when I am laughing so hard. Please refrain from bringing the Snowman as I would like to hear the opening number next time.
  2. Please ask the strings to stop overpowering the rest of the band. The brass, woodwinds, and percussion were tryin very hard but they just could not keep up.

I thoroughly enjoyed your show. I look forward to the opportunity to see your group again. Congratulations.

I attended the MSU-Rice football game yesterday, and I was amused by your aggressive and amusing participation in pre-game, halftime, and post-game festivities. I looked up your website and, holy cow, you’re even goofier than I thought. I am sure that a large percentage of the audience did know what to make of you, and some thought they had been insulted but weren’t sure. It’s part of that insecure Scandinavian heritage I imagine.

At any rate I was entertained by the energy, enthusiasm, audacity, and corny humor you provided. Love the suits, I hope Uncle Guido got you a really good deal. You can never go wrong with a non-marching accordion player, I always say. (Although my friend Lena would disagree.)

P.S. Good rendition of the state song, eh?

GREAT SHOW!!
We loved your show and band philosophy. While we do appreciate the Big Ten traditional band show… an “alternative” as well done as yours is a treat. Thanks for your travel and efforts.

I am primarily a football fan and attend games to cheer on MSU’s football team. Half time is usually just a time to stretch out the kinks in my back and other joints. The half time performance by the Rice MOB, was with out question, one of the most entertaining I have ever attended. Thank you for taking the extra effort of sending your “MOB” to MSU.

Thanks guys for an extremely entertaining half-time show today. We’ve been to a lot of football games, but never has a band been so in tune with the goings on on the MSU campus. We especially liked the spoof on the jacuzzi at Shaw Hall. Way to go rice! You made an unbearably hot day much ore fun.

Maureen Dykstra
MSU Alumni

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

Reliant Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 5, 2002

“What do we do with Astrodome?”

The SAs’ fake boy-band, *NASA, performs on the field while the “real” NASA personnel attach booster rockets to the Astrodome. Shortly after launch, the boy-band is strapped to the stadium-turned-rocket. It takes off with a blast of CO2 and starts to ‘fly’ across the field.

[In an unscripted-but-entertaining disaster, the Astrodome crashes midway, causing the loss of a few boy-band members.]

Duke University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 8, 2001

The “Dr. Gillis’ Evil Clone’s Evil Plan” Show or… “This is really just an excuse for the SAs to dress-up like Smurfs”

Since coming here from Duke University, Dr. Malcolm Gillis has strived to improve Rice &mdash building buildings, sheltering homeless undergrads, and rescuing kittens from treetops. But The MOB has learned that Duke, jealous of Rice’s larger endowment, higher SAT scores, and success at football, has kidnapped Dr. Gillis and replaced him with an EEEVIL clone, bent on turning Rice into Duke!

The help Mini-G in his evil plan, our beloved mascot, Sammy the Owl, will be replaced by a gang of EVIL Blue Devils &mdash The Smurfs!

[helium-inhaling sound] “I’ll get you, I’ll get all of you, if it’s the last thing I ever do!”

Only one thing stands in the way of Mini-G’s EVIL plan &mdash The MOB. Now he must stop us. As we speak, Mini-G’s EVIL Smurfs are planning to change The MOB into the Duke University Marching Band.

[in a “Dr. Evil”-style voice] “I will call it… DUMB!”

Tuition at Rice is cheap compared to schools of a similar caliber. But according to Mini-G’s EVIL plans, tuition at Rice will be raised to that of Duke.

[in a “Dr. Evil”-style voice] “I’m going to raise tuition to… one-MEEEEEELION dollars!”

There’s still time to save the real Dr. Gillis and thwart Mini-G’s EVIL plan!

Swim in Gillis’s pool!
Run Baker 13!
Run Baker 13 into Gillis’s pool.
Join The MOB.
Join The MOB as they run Baker 13 and play “Louie, Louie” from Gillis’s pool.

A drum minor in full uniform (or an SA producer in naked clothes and shaving cream) grabs a lightsaber and slays the EVIL Dr. Gillis Clone. Finally, the real Dr. Gillis is freed, and everybody is happy and does the Louie Dance.

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 2, 2000

Summer Recap

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: It’s the year 2000, and that means another Presidential election. The conventions were on every network, but nobody bothered to watch. If they want to boost their ratings, they should take a cue from “Survivor.” Wouldn’t you tune in to see George Dubya and Al Gore eat rats?
Formation: B O R E
Music: Cheesburger in Paradise
Action: George W. Bush and Al Gore, wearing bibs and brandishing large forks, chase rats around the field. Other SAs engage in other Survivor-type activities. Some SAs should be carrying political signs. Rats will be eaten.
Announcer: Internet startup companies fueled a huge boom in the stock market this year. Dot-com CEOs became billionaires overnight. But, the boom came to a crashing halt when investigators figured out that most dot-coms don’t actually do anything. Nowadays, when you hear a dot-com CEO, he’s probably asking “Would you like fries with that?”
Formation: A first-quadrant graph, with a sharply-downward-sloping line
Music: Money for Nothing [at fast section]
Action: Dot-com CEO works away at giant computer, with sign saying www.coogarhigh.com, playing with his huge money, when suddenly people come and take away his computer and money, hand him a MickeyD’s uniform and giant french fries.
Announcer: It’s been a rough year for the airlines. Passengers are increasingly unhappy as cancellations, delays, and full flights have made the skies a lot less friendly. The airlines hope to win people back with lower fares. Seems they got a good deal on some Firestone tires…
Formation: Airplane
Music: Airplane Medley [fast section at the end]
Action: Motionless plane waits on runway (for variety’s sake, don’t make it a box on wheels, since it won’t have to move except to be carried onto the field. Try to capture a more non-boxy airplane shape). Passengers sit around sadly beneath a GIGANTIC, TICKING CLOCK with a red segment saying “Hours waited so far.” Passengers are vividly bored (yes it is possible. Synchronized elbow-leaning works well). Pilots play cards and occasionally sneer at the waiting passengers. Toward end of song, sign drops over clock saying “Flight Cancelled.” A massive riot ensues in which the clock, plane and pilots are all utterly destroyed by outraged passengers.
Announcer: It’s been an exciting summer for local sports. The Comets won their fourth WNBA title. The Bellaire All-Stars are the national Little League champs. And the Astros, despite the bells and whistles of a new stadium, well, let’s just say they wouldn’t have even qualified for the Little League championships.
Formation: Baseball diamond
Music: Take Me Out to the Ballgame
Action: The Bellaire team will be on the field and will help drive the train, running over astros players in the process
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Rice people and Rice money built Rice Stadium. No taxes, no referenda, and no Robert Eckels. With alumni donations and George R. Brown, Rice Stadium was built in only one year. And on its 50th birthday, it’s still the best place in Houston for watching football.

Rice vs. University of MIchigan

Michigan Stadium &mdash Ann Arbor, MISeptember 7, 2000

Pregame

Music: Turning it Loose
Action: Turning it Loose stuff. MOB enters from four corners, etc.
Formation: M O B
Announcer: In the beginning there was football. And the Lord said, “I shall divide football games into halves.” And between those halves there was a void, without form or entertainment. So the Lord said, “Let there be Marching Bands!” And it was good.
Formation: Indecipherable Scattering of MOBsters, gradually forming lines during announcing. Clear marching-bandesque lines are formed by the end of the announcing segment.
Music: 2001
Announcer: Well, the years and the band marched by. A second void formed, in the minds of the fans, for they were bored. And lo, in 1970, there appeared a special group of entertainers to fill this void. The group was called the MOB. And there was much rejoicing.
Formation: H I
MOB: “yaaaaay.”
Announcer: The Marching Owl Band is pleased to have been invited to your frightening stadium. Yeah, it’s real impressive… Be a shame if somethin was to *happen* to it… You treat us right, we’ll treat you right, and there won’t be any problem with da boys outside building a big neon pink halo above your stadium…
Formation: M I (with halo)
Music: Hallelujah Tag
Action: SAs pull big paint brushes out our cello cases and paint things
Announcer: At this point in our pregame, we usually play the national anthem. But since the fabulous Michigan Marching Band is prepared to accept that responsibility, the MOB has prepared a brief salute to your great state. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the playing o the State Song of Michigan, under the direction of Dr. Robert Cesario, director of Rice University bands.
Formation: Pre-game shield thingy
Music: O Canada
Announcer: And now, please remain standing for the playing of the Rice University alma mater, Rice’s Honor.
Music: Rice’s Honor
Music: Bonnet
Action: Exeunt all

Halftime

This went incredibly well. The audience was attentive and enthusiastic, thanks in part to an excellent University of Michigan sound system. The Michigan audience fell for the Canada bit, standing for “O Canada” and laughing and cheering at the trick we played on them. At halftime, we won them over early, getting big cheers for our MSU and OSU digs. “We couldn’t all go to Rice” got some good-natured boos, just like it should. All told, wonderful crowd response.

Formations worked rather well. The torso was shaped correctly, but with a thin (

University of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 16, 2000

What Rhymes with Duck?

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Formation: Duck
Announcer: Some people have complained that MOB shows seem incoherent. Those people are idiots. How could anyone miss the clear themes that for the basis for all MOB shows? Take today’s theme: words that rhyme with “duck.” [quack] Change the “D” to a “B” and you get “buck.”
MOB: “Buck!”
Formation: $
Announcer: These days, people will do anything for a buck. They’re willing to get married, eat rats, what’s next? The MOB predicts that Americans will soon sell their own body parts for cold hard cash on “Who Wants To Be A Kidney Donor?”
Music: I Feel Good
Action: People selling their arms, legs, heads, etc.
Announcer: What other words rhyme with “duck”? Hmm… how about “cluck”?
MOB: “Cluck!”
Formation: C K
Announcer: “Cluck” is the noise that a chicken makes. Of course, your chicken dinner should never cluck, but, with Central Kitchen, you can never be to sure.
Music: Chicken Dance
Action: Students’ food comes to life and starts running around and doing the chicken dance
Announcer: You would probably think that food that clucks sucks! If you did, you’d have found another word that rhymes with “duck”&mdash”suck”!
MOB: “Suck! Suck-suck-suck-suck”
Formation: Vacuum cleaner
Announcer: Of course, there are other things that suck. Vacuum cleaners, Black holes, Tulsa’s mascot, is a hurricane. It sucks, because hurricanes have the lowest atmospheric pressure on earth.
Music: Wipe-Out
Action: Signs representing various things that suck (“Astros season,” “U of H,” etc.) get sucked up the MOB vacuum cleaner. Vacuum cleaner bag expands.
Announcer: Tulsa. Anyone stuck there is obviously out of luck. That’s another word that rhymes with “duck”&mdash”luck”!
MOB: “Luck!”
Formation: Female symbol
Announcer: Frank Sinatra sang “Luck be a lady tonight” as if luck being a lady was a good thing. But what would the world be like if luck really was a lady? We need only show you a nun, a stripper, and a blonde to remind you there is good luck, bad luck, and dumb luck.
Music: Luck Be a Lady
Action: A nun, a street walker and blonde try valiantly to change a lightbulb
Announcer: And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the most important of all the words that rhyme with “duck.”
Music: drum roll
Announcer: The MOB is proud to present its favorite activity: running amok.
Action: Everybody runs around like crazy, cue cowbell…
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Leave
Announcer: No chickens, ducks, hurricanes, or women were harmed in the making of this halftime show. Well, maybe the chickens… It’s time to adjust my medication again, isn’t it?

California State University, Fresno vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 5, 2000

The Freshling Show

More recently, the MOB wreaked havoc upon the Russian Space Program. We secretly replaced their vodka with genuine, dark, rich Folger’s coffee crystals to see if they would notice a difference. Recent communications with Mir Cosmonauts included the following exchange:

Mir&mdashgood til it last drops

University of Hawaii vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 21, 2000

Announcer: This is “Join The MOB Day.” Please welcome the thirty brave souls who have joined us on the field today. If we look or sound better than usual&mdashit’s probably their fault.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: The MOB offers a warm Houston welcome to the University of Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors… wait a second! What’s that you say? The dropped the rainbow? I guess they didn’t want people thinking they were, well, happy. The Hawai’i Warriors have made it clear that they are not happy&mdashnot that there’s anything wrong with that.
Formation: Happy face
Music: Rainbow Intro
Action: Near beginning of song, smile is turned upside-down. SA warriors scare rainbow people away or turn them into mean warrior people.
Announcer: Well, happy or not, the MOB is always glad to see the Hawai’ian Warriors. We’d really like to see them at the game next year&mdashin Hawai’i!
MOB: “A-LOOO-HA!”
Announcer: Unfortunately, the MOB’s financial situation is so bad…
MOB: “How bad is it?!”
Announcer: It’s so bad, we can’t even afford to put a joke here!
Drums: ba-DUM [crash]
Announcer: Hmm… maybe we could collect some insurance money by blowing up the bandhall! And if we get caught… well, we can just say it was a jack on Hanszen.
Formation: Bomb
Music: Mission Impossible
Action: At beginning of song, wick on bomb shortens. During music, SAs sneak up and blow up instruments and get money and stuff.
Announcer: We never get caught. Ever.
Announcer: How else could the MOB find funds to go to Hawaii? Suppose we kidnapped the Camachos and held them hostage?
[on the field, using a cordless mike]
AC: Hey, look, Carol! The MOB is playing “kidnappers”! Aren’t they cute?
Action: SAs start to tie them up
ZC: Oh my God, honey! They’ve actually kidnapped us!
CC: Well, what did you expect? They are the MOB.
Announcer: [in the style of Dr. Evil] Dear Rice administration, We won’t give your Vice President of Student Affairs back unless you pay us [dramatic pause] one hundred THOUSAND dollars!
MOB: Holds finger near head a la Dr. Evil
Formation: Crossroads
Music: What Would You Say
Action: Camachos tied to train tracks. As train is coming to run them over, SA in business suit (“administration”) comes up and pays money and rescues them. After they are released, they exit up into student section and someone on sidelines has a large sign that says “He’s Free!”
Announcer: How else could we find money to go to Hawaii? Maybe we could sell our souls to the Devil! But since thee Lord of Darkness is currently busy with NOD and the upcoming elections, we had to sink even lower, and sold our souls to Fox Sports.
Formation: F O X
Music: Fox Sports Saturday Football theme
Action: Devil won’t pay MOBsters, so business suit guy does. Then they go around and advertise for Fox.
Announcer: Lots of people go to foreign lands for free by joining the Peace Corps and teaching the natives to be Americans. Maybe the MOB could sign up and go to Hawaii! We could teach these “Hawai-i-cans” to use credit cars, eat Big Macs… maybe even play football!
Formation: Peace sign
Music: Volcano
Action: SAs line up in abbreviated football formation and teach stereotypically dressed Hawaiians to run the option. Someone holds up a sign marked “OPTION 1” SA football players drop the ball. “OPTION 2″&mdashquarterback takes the snap, all the players fall down. “OPTION 3″&mdashfullback goes one way, quarterback tosses the other way.
Formation: Block on sideline, 40 yardline to 40 yardline (very quick scatter)
Announcer: We’d like to point out that the Warriors total point output has dropped by more than fifty percent since they dropped the “Rainbow” from their name. Like Samson after his haircut, they’ve lost something. Maybe they needed that Rainbow&mdashwithout it, they’ve cut their chances of scoring in half, too. Still, they’re sooo cute and cuddly they’ll always be Rainbows to us.
Music: Rainbow Finale
Action: SAs raise a whole bunch of helium-filled balloons in a rainbow configuration. Play Louie when we get to sidelines.
Music: Louie, Louie

Rice vs. Texas Christian University

Amon G. Carter Stadium &mdash Fort Worth, TXOctober 28, 2000

Announcer: ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the scariest band in the land&mdashthe Rice University Marching Owl Band! [five second pause] BOO!
Action: Halloween-costume-clad MOB enters
Announcer: Once upon a time, there were eight schools who spent many years playing games among themselves. But when some of the greedier schools decided they weren’t making enough money, the horned frogs were stuck with the mustangs and the owls on an island. But at least they managed to stay away from the Huskers.
Formation: S W C
Music: Ratburger in Paradise
Action: Owl, pony, and purple horned frog are lost and they join various other characters on an island&mdashWAC mascots (a miner, Captain Cone, a bulldog, a Spartan, a “happy” rainbow warrior…). They are followed by large TV cameras. As time permits, other Survivor activities are parodies. Rats are eaten.
Announcer: The owl, the frog, and others had to use a lifeline. They got involved with the WAC, hoping to marry multimillionaires. However, when the money didn’t come through, half of the schools broke it off, saying they needed more exposure.
Formation: Two sets of lines (leaving an “aisle” in the middle)
Music: Wedding March
Action: The mascots gather to get married to a “bride” in a mock ceremony. Halfway through, the bride changes her mind and runs away. She can drop the “wedding gown” to reveal flesh-colored “naked” clothes (like in Michigan) as cameramen swarm around her. The mascots stand there looking lost. SAs throw rice.
Announcer: Not everyone could survive, and the schools met in tribal council to decide who would be kicked off the island. Would it be the pony who couldn’t take his own tests? The spitting bulldog? The rainbow warrior who seemed just a bit too… happy? ahhh… YOU! The purple lizards… You have grown fat and annoying&mdashfeasting on football cupcakes. T-C-U, the tribe has spoken!
Formation: Island
Music: Hit the Road Jack
Action: Tribal council. Purple frog is holding torch which gets extinguished. Sorry, no real fire on the field : ) Gets kicked out of circle. A large sign could be held up saying “Nebraska.” The lizard runs toward it, sees what it says, then runs away from it.
Announcer: The 2000 season marks the end of 87 years of athletic association between Rice and TCU. Too bad. We wish TCU well in its move to Conference USA and its attempt to schedule and eleventh game for next season. Thanks for the competition, thanks for the sportsmanship, and most of all, thanks for the wins.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Leave

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 4, 2000

Pregame (Homecoming, with special Bert Salute)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2000 Rice University Marching Owl Band, tomorrow’s captains of industry and leaders of the free world. We invite you to remain glued to your seats for another great halftime performance…

As The MOB spells out its plan for campaign finance reform&mdashgive that money to US&mdashand we’ll promise to not do a thing about taxes, global warming, or national security.

Give that money to US&mdashand we’ll promise to not do a thing to hurt this nice little country you’ve got here.

Give that money to US&madshand we promise to invest it in ourfuture. At least we’re honest about it.

Halftime

[aside] Wow, that really stunk.

The show appeared to go well, but the sparsity of the crowd diminished any possible audience response. I couldn’t hear anything other than the responses in the PA booth (and they liked it). J. Fred could not be talked into continuing the running gag. It rained off-and-on during the second quarter, with both bands donning raincoats and then removing them. SMU performed in the candy-stripe jackets without raingear (they got all new uniforms this year). The MOB appeared to be half-ponchoed and fedora-less.

Rice vs. University of Houston

Robertson Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 4, 1999

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM GRUNGY—
I’ve done a lot of “epilogues” on the end of the scripts that I’ve saved over the years. But I could hear almost nothing from the press box yesterday. I can say that the formations were really sharp, from the penultimate vantage point and the action was eye-catching. Someone else will have to fill in the crowd reactions and other details.
I can report that virtually every person I’ve run into who saw the sow and talked to me about it&mdashloved it. Usually something like “Wow&mdashthat was a great show! What happened?”
This show worked. I’m impressed…
On the other side of the coin&mdashwe may never see The MOB’s name in print, in the Chronicle, again. The last UH show, in 󈨣, received praise from Neal Farmer for its biting nature. This one was similar and got no ink. The power of the press belongs to those who own the presses…

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM THE GOODNIGHT—
I heard laughs, not boos, in the region of the stadium near where I was standing, for the names/tickets joke, but not much reaction at all to the long sign, which had some wind-tangling problems and was only intermittently visible.
The only time I heard boos was when the “Cooger Hi” sign went up.

United States Naval Academy vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 25, 1999

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: As the year 2000 approaches, concern is mounting about the Y2K bug, which may cause computers after New Year’s to believe it is actually the year 1900. As part of Rice University’s Y2K preparedness plan, the MOB will now test its Y2K-compliance by setting our clocks forward to New Year’s Day, 2000.
Formation: Hourglass
Music: Time Warp
Action: Sand runs down through the hourglass. Modern-looking student sits at a desk with a modern computer. Desk is decorated with lamp, etc. At some suitable point in the song, SA helpers (bugs?) come out and convert to computer to typewrite, decorate desk in Victorian style, dress student in 1900 clothes, etc.
Announcer: Done! It’s now the year two th– SKKRTT! SKRRZZ!
Announcer 2: 1900 and welcome to the first MOB show of the twentieth century! In the news, the Dow Jones average climbed to an astonishing 65 points! Thousands moved to Hollywood seeking rich farmland. And Congress introduced new regulations requiring all horseless carriages to be equipped with steering wheels by the year 1905!
Formation: O L D
Music: Put On Your Old Grey Bonnet
Action: SAs in full period costume enact a pleasant picnic scene that could be found in any impressionist painting. A Model-T car comes careering into the scene, without a steering wheel, turning the cheery scene into a spectacle of hideous carnage.
Announcer 2: The recriminations continued over the recent spy scandal when it was learned that senior naval file clerk Willar Frogmorton had been secretly selling classified Navy steamship blueprints to the dastardly Spaniards for the past 20 years. “This is a severe leak,” a Navy spokesman said, “Since it is impossible that any new invention will ever surpass the mighty power of steam.”
Formation: Sailing ship
Music: Naval Disaster Medley (Anchors Away then Wipeout)
Action: Near the North endzone, two ships do battle. One ship is a Spanish marauder. The other hails from the U.S. The battle is comical, as the ships cannot defeat one another, despite being only yards apart. The U.S. ship is clearly labeled “Old Navy,” part of the “Performance Fleet,” and its occupants dance joyously as their performance fleece allows them added confidence. At some point during the music, a torpedo labeled “New Navy” launches from the tunnel, cruising the length of the field and destroying the Spanish ship.
Announcer 2: This concludes the MOB’s test of its Y-one-point-9-K compliance. We will now return to our normal operation, secure in the knowledge that all systems are GO!
Formation: 1 9 0 0
Music: Power of Love
Action: SAs revert to modern clothing
Announcer: Well, we’re back, and on our way from 1900 we stopped in 1963, when Rice was fun easy-going and free. In 1963 we picked up a blast from the ast&mdashLadies and Gentlemen, will you please rise for the singing of Louie, Louie, under the direction of Dr. Robert Cesario, and featuring our special guests&mdashThe Kingsmen!
Formation: 1 9 6 3
Music: Louie with Kingsmen
Announcer 2: Be sure to return for the MOB’s next performance, a fortnight hence!
Note: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE

San Jose State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 16, 1999

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: San Jose State! [yawn] I’m sorry, that’s all we’ve got? San Jose where? Do you know the waay too easy. It says San Jose C-A. C.A. C.A? The west coast? No! The north coast&mdashnow there’s a place that’s just begging for a MOB hit&mdashCanada!
Formation: E H ?
Music: Rocky & Bullwinkle Tag
Action: Moose wanders onto field
Announcer: O, Canada, our perky little neighbor to the North. They have forests… and fish… and igloos… and penguins. But they don’t have cops! Instead, they have Mounties, who ride horses, wear funny hats and chase moose-es.
Formation: Mountain tops (with snow)
Music: William Tell Overture
Action: Canadian Mounties chase moose
Announcer: Long ago, a bunch of Canadians were sitting around on a bunch of ice, looking for something to do. With no one else to pick on, they decided to beat on each other. Hockey was invented. Leave it to Canadians to combine the Ice Capades and boxing. Of course, the Canadians would probably have kept hockey a secret, had they known that the best hockey teams would some day come from Texas.
Formation: Hockey rink
Music: Far From Over
Action: Boxing meets the ice capades. Zamboni cleans the ice.
Announcer: Of course, Canada has done some bad things. Who could forget the Canadian missile crisis? Or the never-ending battle with the Canadian drug cartel? Well, maybe those are things we can forgive, but Canada, [yelling] KEEP YOUR STINKING BACON OFF OF OUR PIZZA!
Formation: Pizza slice
Music: Come On Eileen
Action: SAs gazilch bacon at a giant pizza
Announcer: Maybe we’ve been a bit too harsh on Canada. After all, where else would we get all of our ice? Besides, Canada is the only thing keeping Alaska from becoming contiguous. To end our show, and as a sign that this is all in fun, we ask: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem.
Formation: Shield (like pregame)
Action: SAs unveil small Canadian flag in center of shield
MOB: “Cinq, six, sept, huit…”
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Texas Christian University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 23, 1999

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Formation: Planet with ring, sign: “Fort Worth”
Music: Star Wars
Announcer: [over music] It is a dark time for the MOB. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the MOB forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. The evil lord Darth Aggie, obsessed with destroying the MOB, has dispatched thousands of Corps Troopers to the planet Fortworth. Finding no signs of intelligence, they decide to turn an army of horned frogs to the dark side…
Action: Storm troopers/Darth Vader/Darth Maul? Give frogs horns, pitchforks, and other assorted instruments of evil
Announcer: News of the dark victory has thrown the federation senate into disarray. The WAC, looking for any excuse to abandon its recent acquisition, TCU, has attempted to use the defection to turn TCU over to the Conference-USA. The C-USA rejects the proposal, and a traditional pod race is used to settle the dispute. We’d have preferred Judge Judy to settle the dispute, but she’s booked solid investigating Janet Reno’s alleged competence.
Formation: Race track
Music: Duel of the Fates
Action: During narration: WAC and C-USA people push TCU guy back and forth. During music: Pod race: WAC and C-USA representatives race in pods. They run around the race track (the MOB) before breaking through the ranks and crashing into Dr. C. on his ladder and being destroyed.
Announcer: Following an inconclusive pod race, the Senate moved to a second test, the Match of Death, to determine responsibility for the team that no one wanted&mdashloser take all.
Formation: T C U
Music: Mortal Kombat
Action: Fight. Use chairs, guns, etc. Fight continues until interruption…
Announcer: Excuse me gentlemen, but it’s come to our attention that you’re using violent themes in your Match of Death, or MOD. To protect your safety, you will no longer be permitted to use decorations of a violent nature, or to actually kill one another at the MOD. You may, however, still wear your costumes.
Formation: T C U becomes C U T
Music: Beat It
Action: Fight shifts to comical stupid weapons: big inflatable mallets, balloons, pillows. WAC eventually wins fight, and C-USA grudgingly accepts TCU.
Announcer: And so the WAC won the Match of pseudo-Death, and got to cut TCU from the conference. Thanks for all the memories, TCU. But especially, thanks for all the wins.
Formation: O U T
Music: Louie, Louie

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 13, 1999

A letter from the Student Association says: “The MOB is too out of touch with the student body here at Rice. Unlike us, you don’t understand the students’ concerns.” We’d like to assure the student council that we are very concerned with students, and point out that the MOBsters themselves are students who par the same $100 tuition that everyone else does.

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 5, 1998

Sport Marketing Show

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Hello and welcome to Operation Sellout II, another fine product from your Sports Marketing Team! Thanks to their tireless efforts, today you can go into any college stadium and enjoy the same familiar, homogenized, least-common-denominator product you expect from network television and fast-food restaurants. Welcome to the age of Professional College Sports!
Formation: $ $
Music: Gigolo (short)
Action: Sports marketers read from large textbooks labelled (obviously) “Sports Marketing” and “How to Be Exactly Like Every Other School.” Consulting these books, they bring out a large, sinister-looking device, the Marketron Sportomizer 1000. Meanwhile, fans in bright colors (real fanatics in face paint and all that stuff) are arriving, carrying school-spirit-related signs.
Announcer: Don’t you just hate it when you go to a game and have to listen to the other school’s fight song over and over again all day long?
Action: MOB trombones briefly play “Wah-wah-wah” in imitation of SMU band
Announcer: No problem&mdashSports Marketing has discovered the way to produce demographically consistent cheering behavior from 62.5% of sports fans using only canned electronic recordings of “We Will Rock You,” the “Hey” song, and classing Seventies disco. So get ready to react without thinking to the new

Northwestern University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXSeptember 19, 1998

Devil with the Purple Suit

This game featured a real Prop Extravaganza. The Titanic, especially, was a masterpiece. It was 28-feet long, almost 10 full yards. It sailed very gracefully across the field.

Can someone fill in the details from the action in the WAC Adventure segment? We sure did a lot there.

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Darrell K. Royal&mdashTexas Memorial Stadium &mdash Austin, TXSeptember 26, 1998

Good Idea/Bad Idea

Hi! We’re back! Didja miss us? We’ve had three years to dream up this show and we had good ideas… and bad ideas.

Good idea: turning the MOB loose at halftime…
Bad idea: introducing us like this: “now farmin’ in north endzone…”

Since our last visit, Darrel K Royal Texas Memorial Stadium /slash/ Jamail Field has grown almost as much as its name.

Good idea: Adding more low-priced seats for the students.
Bad idea: Putting the student section in LaGrange.

Good idea: Using binoculars to see the game better.
Bad idea: Using the Hubble Space Telescope to see the game from the student section.

If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?

Good idea: Add student seating near the field.
Bad idea: Pay Mackovic and McWilliams to not coach.

Good idea: Genetic research to advance the frontiers of human knowledge.
Bad idea: Paying the Aggies to clone a dog.

Are there any good ideas in politics? Sure there are…

Good idea: Clinton seeks medical help for his … problems.
Bad idea: His doctor prescribes Viagra.

The MOB is available for birthdays, wedding, and Bar Mitzvahs. Here’s somethin to hold you over til next year:

Good idea: D’Andre Hardemann cuts upfield.
Bad idea: D’Andre Hardemann cuts… classes.

University of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXOctober 17, 1998

MS MOB 󈨦

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: MOBsters charge on field in standard pin-stripe suits. However, now the MOBsters’ backs bear a large label reading “MS.”
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, we know that you came here expecting to see the MOB, but today we have something better: the all new and improved Microsoft MOB! We at Microsoft, in our continuing quest for world domination, will now provide halftime entertainment here at “Microsoft Stadium,” and soon will be supplying products to fill a variety of other student needs, including textbooks, cafeteria food, and toilet paper. Microsoft: “Where do you want to go today?”
Formation: M S
Music: Start Me Up
Action: SAs run around demonstrating the use of new and wacky MS products such as toilet paper, dishwashing liquid, box fans, etc…
Announcer: MS-MOB is a significant upgrade over the original. It is faster, more feature-packed, and more stable. Plus, it comes bundled with a fully integrated suite of stadium-aware applications including concessions, ticket sales, and game officiating. And thanks to Microsoft’s innovative multi-tasking technology, MS-MOB can perform all these functions with no loss of performance!
Formation: Interlocking, rotating circles surrounded by box
Music: Vehicle
Action: SAs “multitask,” performing stadium operations such as concession and ticket sales on the field beside the band. Some SAs dressed as stadium goers come up and buy MS Hot Dogs and MS Cola from vendors. Demand increases so that the SAs have to borrow more and more blocks of MOBsters from the formation to help them. The SAs continue to gobble up more and more sections until, at the end of the song, only a few trombones are left playing the song. Then, on one of the last notes, the Trombones hang, sputter and then crash. As the band falls to the ground, the SAs pull out a large blue sheet made into a Blue Screen of Death and spread it across the middle of the field.
Announcer: [Ringing, pick up] Hello, Microsoft Technical Support!
Please listen while we diagnose your problem…
If your system has frozen, please restart.
If your display has corrupted, please restart.
If you have upgraded to Windows 98, please restart.
[Phone hangs up]
Music: Announcer plays “Microsoft Sound” from laptop in press box. The band is revived and jump back to their feet.
Formation: Computer base and monitor
Music: Sabre Dance
Action: SAs dressed as colorful Intel “Bunny Men” jive around as they attempt to revive computer through various wacky means. They carry large circuit boards which they slide into various parts of the computer, then scratch their heads and jiggle the connectors, kick the sides, etc. We could also use a giant screwdriver with which they could tool on various parts of the machine. Perhaps they get frustrated and pull out electrical paddles to “jump start” the machine. Every now and then, a tech should stop working, step aside and simply “GET FUNKY.”
Announcer: [Voice in rising anger, frustration, and screams…] So you’ve tried everything to get your MS-MOB halftime to work… installed new percussion drivers… a new sound card, changed the IRQs, called a psychic hotline, testified for Microsoft before the Department of Justice, worked as Bill Gates’ towel boy, read “Windows for Wombats.” It… doesn’t… work… NOTHING’S WORKING. It makes you WANT TO SCREAM, BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS… shout.
Formation: Shout chevrons
Music: Shout
Action: High-tail it off the field
Note: Do not stare directly at this sentence.

University of Nevada, Las Vegas vs. Rice

Rice Stadium &mdash Houston, TXNovember 14, 1998

Homecoming x 8

1958: NASA is born, and the U.S. leaps into the space age. Soon after, President Kennedy comes to Rice, announcing plans to put a man on the moon before the end of the decade.

1998: President Clinton announces plans to put a man on the sun before the end of the millennium. [pause] We think that man might be Ken Starr.

Rice vs. United States Air Force Academy

Falcon Stadium &mdash Colorado Springs, CONovember 21, 1998

Christmas 󈨦

Beanie Babes, Beanie Babes
They are not for kids
Put them on the auction block
and get the highest bids

God rest our senator John Glenn,
He’s gone back into space.
We’ll monitor his sleep tonight,
Hi breating and heart’s pace.

A geriatric home on Mars
Is really NASA’s goal.
And we’ll send all those geezers into space,
Geezers in space,
And we’ll send all those geezers into space.

St. Nick’s still at home, the reindeer are resting
He’s sent out George Gallup, the spirit he’s testing
The results some will say are not controversial
When St. Nicholas find it’s far too commercial

You better not put, you better not cry
For he’ll cancel Christmas, and that ain’t no lie.
So forget about shopping, no Buddy Lee jeans
We have to remember, what it all really means…

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM GRUNGY—
Saw The MOB on TV a lot. “Santa” even got the “magic crayon” treatment, from the sportscasters, criticizing the placement of the beard.

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM THE GOODNIGHT—
I don’t know how long the link is valid, but it is the same as was printed in the local newspaper.
…though the local newspaper referred to a “few boos” not the the thunderous show-drowning roar that actually happened, and failed to mention them throwing things at us, or that their stadium people wouldn’t let the SAs on the sidelines to work on the props despite the fact that we cleared it with them beforehand, or the people shouting “Rice Band Sucks!” from their cars when I went looking for the buses…
…One of the Show Assistants in a space shuttle was hit by a thrown piece of cheese. Apparently the cadets pass cheese around (called “spirit cheese”) during games, but the piece didn’t make it onto the field by accident. There was a hug approving roar of applause when the SA was hit by it…


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